If your eyes are the window to your soul, then mine must have been boarded up and turned into a crack house because no one recognizes me.

We cannot hope for much in this world. But that do hope for we seek with an intensity akin to the rays of the sun if we were to step foot upon its surface. While yes, we may desire much in the ways of materialism and capitalism…what we truly seek is recognition. We want to be recognized for who we are and what we do. Mostly we want to be recognized for our heart. We seek to find that which we feel is missing…be it our soul mate, our other half, or as Jung stated our anima/animus. In the end all we really want is to have our soul recognized by another complimentary soul and to be joined as one entity.

 

That having been said…I ask why some of us must be cursed to walk the earth alone?

 

Yes, I have loved and yes I have felt love but I have never felt “recognized” by any other soul save one. However that door has been barred from me and upon its holy ground I shall never again roam, nor shall I feel it’s warmth radiate within me. A crime I still, many years later, cannot be pardoned from, nor can my heart ask for redemption.

 

But today, a day like most…full of despair and pain, is when  I was shown that not only do I walk alone but when I rest it is not in the company of “friends”. See friends are those people who are there for you as you are for them. They are the people who know you when you forget who you are. They are the people you look to when you are in need because you know they have only your best interests at heart.

 

“She” as we all know has never had my best “anything” for any reason…never concerned about my well-being, my state of mind, or most importantly “she” has never recognized anything within me. And today further proved that when she asked me if I wanted to go to church with her. 

 

I always say I cannot be offended, but that….well that offended my very core and she still cannot understand why. 

 

I have always said “she” only loves “the idea” of me and not the real me, but mother fuck! Now I have to ask has “she” ever even looked at me? Has she ever heard the pain in my heart when I talk about my Ex and how she is a bible toting church going christian who probably bathes in holy water to purge her soul of me? Has she ever heard the fire spew from my soul when I speak of my own childhood in the church and the hypocrisy that I still taste in the back of my throat each and every Sunday?

 

Obviously “she” has not and would not, even if it meant I would pledge my undying love for her…which I would never do, that is sooooooooooooooooooo out of the question!  

 

Also since clearly hell has reserved a front row seat for me, I do hope to not meet her in “purgatory” trying to tell me that if I just gone to church I could have saved my soul or some such bullshit…but oh wait I’ve already established that I am currently in hell because my life is already bathed in the smell of sulfur and my heart is already rotting at my feet like the flesh of the millions of “sinners” who came before me. Maybe then someone would look at me and recognize me…..I won’t hold my breath though.

 

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Words I REALLY needed to hear (read)……..now if I could just stop crying

Posted By: Chris Youngblood
To: Members in To Write Love on Her Arms.
You matter very much.
i hope you know you’re not the only one who feels the way you feel. You are not the only one who struggles. You are not the only one with questions. You are not crazy. You deserve to be heard, to be known. You deserve love.

You deserve love.

You deserve a place that feels like home. You deserve some hands to hold. Hands to pull you past the broken moments, hands to catch you when you fall. Eyes to see you. To say you’re there, that you exist, that you change a room, that your presence is significant. Ears to hear you – hear your stories, hear you laugh. Ears to hear your questions and to say they matter.

Your questions matter.

Maybe call a friend today or invite someone to coffee. Tell someone they matter or tell someone you could use a conversation. Write a letter or ask someone how they’re doing. Like a song too much. Feel the drums or get lost in the chorus. It means that you’re alive.

It’s good that you’re alive. Who else could play your part?

i hope you get to a place, wake to a day, where that feels true. You deserve to know it’s true.

To Write Love on Her Arms is a community of people with questions and struggles. It is for broken people and it is led by broken people. Life is heavy and light. Life is both. Beauty and pain, aches and dreams… We are saying that it’s okay to talk about those things. We are saying that we need to. We are choosing to believe that stories deserve better endings. That hope is real, that help is real, that people need other people.

You are not alone today. You matter very much.

Peace to you.
jamie

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What do you do if you are on the ledge but you have to save someone else who is also on the same ledge?

 

Lately this question has been appearing more often that not in my life and personally I can no longer handle it. An Optimist would say that I am there to see that my problems aren’t as consuming as I thought. That I do have a greater purpose in life, as evident by my being there when someone else is in need. Blah…Blah…Blah. A Pessimist would say that I am there because misery loves company and boy am I miserable.  A realist would say “Who gives a fuck…are you going to jump or not, you’re holding up the line?”

I’m siding with my Realist nature. With each twist of life’s unending roads another pot hole awaits. Everyone is dying a little more each day and some of us are just wasting space… I am just wasting space. 

All I ever wanted was happiness. Never planned on the American Dream of a house, a husband (?), 2.3 kids and a dog… just happiness. A feeling which is just like trying to catch fire flies. See I’m afraid of all things which crawl (yes that includes babies…hahahahhaha). Anyway in my entire life I have never been able to catch one like other children, I’ve always hide in terror. For me happiness is just like that…I can see but I just can’t catch it.

Guess somethings were just never meant to be. So if you meet me on a ledge, just ignore me and deal with your own problems, ok? I’ll try not to hold up the line.

 

http://www.last.fm/music/Simply+Red/_/Holding+Back+The+Years

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What if Cinderella never got to go to the ball?

Sometimes I get lost in my reverie and I think of oh so many things to “talk” about. 

I feel the need to continue with The Christmas Vixen. Or to delve into the spiral of heart ache my brother is going through. Or to speak on how my own heart hurts from longing. But instead I shall tell you of the sequin gown.

 

My mother used to work at the Main Post Office when I was little. This was the hub of all things postal and was the largest building I had ever seen. There were so many sorting machines and package handlers, so many tubs of letters and bags and boxes of all sorts. To me it was like being in a giant toy factory…it held all the wonders of a small girl with an extremely vivid imagination. I was in heaven.

My Mother would tell me all these stories of people I would never meet and of things I could never understand. She would tell me of all the “characters” she worked with and I would imagine they were truly wonderful people. I would hear of the card games they played while sorting mail and the practical jokes they played on supervisors. She would tell me of the drinking that was done on window ledges with the bright lights of the city dancing around their drunken haze.  I knew who was having affairs with who and who was pregnant as a result.

Yes, I was but a little girl but I was also my Mother’s confidant. She told me all the things she never had anyone else to tell. Then one day she told me of this one woman who would wear sequin gowns and high heels, just to sit on a stool and sort mail for 12 hours a night. No one ever asked her why and she remains an anomaly to this day.

As I grew older, my Mother would continue to share the strange tales of the night and the players would often change but I always wondered about the woman and her sequin gown.

 

Well one day recently I begin to understand why she probably thought it made sense to wear her fancy dresses to a dusty warehouse in the middle of the night.  She felt as I do…where else would she go? I think that she too, felt like life held no joy… no love… no amusing times. So she gave in to her loneliness and donned her fancy dresses for the only party she knew…work.

To this end, I too have decided to wear my best clothes whenever I can. I have all these dresses I bought to go places I never go, with someone I do not know.  I have things with tags still attached, some are years old, hanging around collecting more dust than memories.  So I too shall wear my “sequined gowns” and maybe one day someone shall tell their child the story of me…I can only hope I remembered by someone… somewhere.

 

http://www.last.fm/music/Corinne+Bailey+Rae/_/Till+It+Happens+to+You

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What happens in Vegas, does kind of stay in Vegas……unfortunately.

It just sort of came to me. I wasn’t looking for it, but there it was… the meaning of life. And yet, now my life has no meaning at all.

I shall explain.

{As a loyal reader I’m sure you remember the characters at play… as such I shall not explain them.}

The Ex and I were headed to our very 1st (and my only) real vacation. One that we had planned & saved for. We were going to Vegas. Unfortunately for me I spent the week before in bed sick as all out hell. Did I go to the doctor? If you’ve ever read any of my musings before… you already know the answer. Anyway, if you also recall (I think I have mentioned it before), for some peculiar reason I am very prone to untreated ear infections. {aside: Did you know they can drive you insane?}Well during the time I was ill with like the flu or something I also developed an ear infection. But I was determined I was not missing my vacation. Ever flown with an ear infection? DO NOT DO IT!!! You will die… I think I did.

Well anyway, we made it to Vegas and we were having the best time ever.  As it happened one night she went to sleep (and as she snores like a wild beast), I could not. So I sat there in the dark, with the curtains fully open staring at the lights from the strip and watching the dancing waters of the Bellagio. I had had no alcohol, no drugs of any sort and while watching my beloved (*sigh*) sleep…the meaning of life came to me.

I came to understand that “this” is what we all seek…completion. No, I’m not saying that everyone needs someone to “complete” them. What I am saying is that we all seek a certain degree of oneness. It may come in the form of education, religion, children, marriage, enlightenment, conservation or simply via career choice. For me this was it.

While I fully admit I was never the “jumping up & down” type of happy, in my relationship I was as happy as I thought I could ever hope to be. For me, she was my equal if in no other way…mentally which I have truly come to miss more than I can explain.  Yeah I may have been hallucinating from my illness, jet lag & lack of sleep, but I still remember looking at her sleeping form and crying because I finally understood what true love was and I knew I could love anyone or anything as much as I loved her.

 

You so can imagine the dismay I still hold to this day at being shown that this was not the case. These days she has resorted fully back to her old ways of church and small town upbringing. She speaks differently now, in style and inflection. It’s like the past two years that we have been apart have completely erased the previous 11 years we spent together. It’s like I was a Svengali and she but a willing participant. I must have held some mystical power over her that forced her to change everything, things she was not willing to change but was nonetheless compelled to.

There are simply no words to impart upon to you the sadness this brings me. I prided myself on always allowing one to be as they are. But alas, pride cometh before the fall and trust that my fall was not without injury, if but to my heart.

 

Have you ever seen a dead body up close?

Me either.

But I imagine the look I see in her eyes now is like looking into the eyes of the dead. They cannot recognize you…for they are no longer there.

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A pause from your regularly scheduled programming……

You know what’s the most horrible part?

 

Having no one in your life that you can talk to.

 

Yes people always talk to me… tell me all their problems, issues, concerns, wants, needs, etc. But no one ever stops to actually listen to me. Whenever I try to tell anyone about how I feel or what’s going on with me, they somehow turn it around to them.

Yeah, I let them.

I figure what’s the point in fighting them.

But my lonliness is a demon I simply am too tired to fight. I wake up everyday and put on my “happy face” and I just go about the motions and as long as I do, no one even notices my pain… no one even cares.

What do I expect from them?  I don’t expect anything I guess…I just want to know that if I stopped putting on my “happy face”, someone might notice.

 

I honestly don’t think anyone every would.

 

I guess it’s like I always tell Mama…people have their own problems and they simply have no room to see other people’s.

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Let us begin where we ended………

It was a dark day… Christmas.

While the rest of the world was huddled with the warmth of their family, I was alone.

I was as alone as one can be. No one to care for my where abouts, no one to even care if I was alive or dead. But still I carried on. I did not know what else to do. I was tired physically, emotionally and my soul cried as it is want to do.

The world was ensconced in the bright, flickering lights of happiness and love. But I was encased in the dark matter that is my own private world. Each step I took, merely a memory my body held on to in the hopes of finally being comfortable in the rut my path had become.

It was the Holidays…but there wasn’t even a lump of coal for me to lament over. No one remebered me and the happiness I thought I had once given so freely to them. I was just…there. My heart too weak to muster a mornful wail…but still I carried on.

My mind was lost in the pity party my heart was giving that it wasn’t invited to and I wandered in to “her”. As the world moved around me like the snow in a Winter Wonderland snow globe…”she” brought me into focus.

There before me was a voice…talking to me.
To me?
As I stood there, the voice continued to engage me… wait…. engage….ME?
Yes, “she” was talking to me and I peered out from the Lost and Found box that is my life…to actually see “her”.

I was like toys in Salvation Army bin…hoping for someone to want me but expecting to just be shelved and dust covered until deposed. But there, from the twinkle covered world, “she” stood…talking to me.

“Her” smile like water to my dried heart…refreshing, “her” voice a song my soul never knew…but longed to never forget, “her” eyes smoldering like the embers of a passion my body longed for…but believed never possible.

I could still hear “her” in my dreams but I knew “she” would never sing for me . “She” brought to me the longing of a dying woman… “she” made me ache with the need of her but I knew “she” was gone from me and on to another more deserving soul…

“She” was hope and I am just a hopeless romantic seeking a hopeful one….and “she” is not seeking me…………………………….

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Whatever……..

Somewhere since my last post I got older. Mostly it went by unnoticed, my birthday dinner was a cheeseburger and a slice of carrot cake and I slept most of it away. I got a few cards from my Mother and my ex gave my a movie and an electric blanket (everyone knows I keep it cold in my house 😦 ) and few people at work cared enough to surprise me with a cake 🙂 . I was glad to know that someone remembered me for a change…it actually made me feel special. 🙂

But I was quickly brought back to reality. 😥

In previous posts I stated how I had no choice but to file bankruptcy. Well before my birthday I had gone to do just that. It did not go as I had hoped. In fact the lawyer I met with turned out to be the most racist bastard I had ever had the misfortune to encounter. Now I am an advocate for people not liking everyone… people have the right not to agree with everything…it’s OK. However, when one is in a position to work with different people, especially in this capacity one should be able to put their preferences aside…I guess that was asking too much. 😦

Well anyway so I way faced with really having no idea of what to do. “She” was of no help to me, because in essence she didn’t think it was worth it to help me in spite of all I had done for her. There is still part of a tree in my front yard that she was cutting down for me and now I have a half finished bathroom floor she was doing for me. I guess it’s just too much to hope that someone will do for me as I would do for them. So whatever…karma will take care of her. 👿

Then I again asked my ex if she would move in with me. She, too declined, I guess her reasons are still the same: lack of trust, lack of concern, and just general moving on with her life.  I mean it’s not like we had a history together or anything, it’s not like I thought we had that kind of “The Notebook” love or anything…whatever I guess this is my karma. 😥

 

Well today I go to speak to another lawyer, this time I am going alone, which is how I learned I must travel. See I have decided to make a New Year’s resolution for myself. Since being with me is worse than eating broken malaria infested glass, I have decided that I will try my best not to care…I doubt anyone will notice.

 

We’ll see how this works out… 😥

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I never wanted a white picket fence..and I never got one either.

I very long time ago I  knew a woman, I use the term woman loosely because she had aspirations of becoming a FTM, even then no one referred to him as a a “she”.  😡 He was a lot older than I and had lived quite a life before I met him. He wasn’t the most stable person around and illegal substances were his method of coping. I wanted to learn more about him… find out what him who he was. He knew how to keep a secret, something few people can do effectively these days…yes even me.  😕 But he had dreams of owning a BMW and becoming a Security Guard, dreams I couldn’t understand or even fathom. 😯

A Security Guard…dream? This made no sense to me. 🙄

Here I was thinking I was going to be the next Dr. Ruth or something and I had goals of having a loving family, a large home, multiple pets and driving a Jaguar. 😀 I went to College for heaven’s sake (several in fact)…he didn’t even have a GED.  He spoke of past jail time and I spoke of past vacations. He told of wine, women & song and I talked of the sex I’d read about volumes of literature. His past was dark like the secrets he hid in his closet…cold and away from peering eyes. 8) My future was a bright as my view of the world…open & new. 😮

In my world there were never two more different people than us. I considered him a failure… even his “dreams” were beneath me. 😳

Now fast forward the more than 15 years it has been since I last saw him.

Our lives, I’m quite sure took extremely different paths. I even saw him once or twice in a crowd at a gay club and he was still the same as I remembered. You know, the “loner type”, wouldn’t even make eye contact, but I knew he saw me… watched me even. 😉

Many years later I wondered what became of him. Did he ever get that job or that car? Did he succumb to the drugs he loved so much? 😈

I never found out. But you can rest assured, he held on tight to his dreams no matter what ever happened…wish I could have said the same.

Oh how wish I could have said the same. 😥

http://www.last.fm/music/Simply+Red/_/A+Song+for+You

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You are just as unique as everyone else…and like them, you will die alone

Yeah it’s been a minute…. 😕

I hope you had at least the chance to see some turkey for Thanksgiving…maybe even had the chance to share some time with those you care about and/or love dearly. I spent it where I spend all my days. No, not laying on my living room floor crying…I was at work crying (so there 😛 ).

See this year Thanksgiving fell on a pay week. “HOORAY, you say…you can go Christmas shopping!!!” 😀 NOPE, I say!! Besides I don’t “do” Christmas {look it up….it’s in March..for goodness sakes}, I had so little money I had to take all the money out of my “piggy bank” and my meager Savings account and there are still bills that will go unpaid. 😳   {Did I mention we got a raise on this check?} Also it’s my ex and my Mother’s birthdays next week. So things just keep getting better! 😦   I know most people don’t see the problem here, but for me this is a MAJOR problem. I may forget to pay something, but I never purposely “forget” to pay something. I mean I’ve had nothing but change (less than $1.00) in the bank before but that was always after all my bills had been paid and I had food to eat. Not this time. 😥

[The irony? My mother always said I was the responsible one. I never shirked my responsibilities, and look where it got me? Alone and broke.]

Whatever………………………………… 👿

 

Thanksgiving much like every other holiday of late…………sucked maggot infested roadkill on the sunny side of the street. 😡  My mother spared about 3 minutes to tell me I was working too much and should enjoy life, while simultaneously telling me about all the people who wanted to spend the holiday with her. I was too drunk and too busy crying myself into a coma to really even care. Oddly some people at work offered to bring me food since I didn’t have a family. Not surprisingly, no one came through (except my Ladybug..we ate Subway sandwiches 🙂 ). I didn’t expect anyone to bring me anything anyway….every time they offered I would say “Well I don’t want you going out of your way or anything…if you happen to remember me I’d appreciate anything you brought me” and they would say “Oh it’s no trouble, I’m eating too, so I’ll bring you something”. Well I guess they ate everything….no one thought about me. My ex, didn’t even offer…guess she too could have cared less.

Whatever…………………………………………………… 👿

 

And “her”? Well technically she’s MIA. She’s been missing from work and no one knows where she is. I do know she was still alive as of yesterday…she sent me a text.  Her usual ramblings of madness & mayhem. She went to see her family, who if I am interpreting her message correctly (one never knows with her) weren’t so thrilled to see her. Personally I don’t blame them, but still it was a holiday and she is their sister….but I don’t know, And right now, I don’t care. 😐

Whatever……………………………………………………………………… 👿

 

So it has been decided. Life has finally beaten me to within an inch of my life. I am officially going to figure out how to file bankruptcy and try to at least get it started while I’m off for my birthday. This December marks my 20 year anniversary since I got my very first credit card. I’ve had lots of ups & downs since then. I’ve been unemployed many many times, gone through a couple surgeries, a couple of exes and now after all this time of constantly trying to beat the statistics of Black people with bad credit… I am done….I am just another face of the masses.

Whatever……………………………………………………………………………………………………………… 😈

 

http://www.last.fm/music/Coldplay

*I remember when I used to rule the world……….”*

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I do live across from The Lake…But is this a Cape Fear re-make? If so…no autographs, please!

I haven’t been writing for many reasons, but mostly because the people I care about, no longer wish to hear me whine (and yes, in so many words…they said so). So I funneled my pain into poetry (for better or worse). 😥 I used to fancy myself a budding poet, but the meds took my creativity away…my pain, however, was too deep and bleed through the pills, so I wrote. 😳

 

Well anyway some things are different now…so again I post. 😐

 

“She” is gone. No not again…but for the last time. Things are different now….now I am afraid, so she will never return. Why, you may wonder? 😕

 

I shall explain.

 

If you recall from previous posts (assuming you have read them), you recall “the engineer”. Well when things went south and strange people started to show up at my door I was “shaken”, not so much afraid as I was worried.  😯 I turned to the only person I felt could relieve me of my apprehension (?)…”him”.  He knew these people, he could stop them. Boy, was I wrong. Nonetheless they went away.  😡

 

Then when I became afraid of him, I thought my ex would help me. But again, I was assuming and we all know what happens there. Well she never asked me what happened, but “she” did. So I placed my trust in “her” to protect me from him should I need it. 🙄

 

But who would save me from “her”? Honestly I never thought I would need it….but like Life Insurance, you never do until it’s too late. Well in the time I have known “her” there have been numerous times I thought, “Man you are insane!” But it never crossed my mind that one day I would become one of the women she spoke of who “hit the floor, when they saw her truck pass by”. Now I kind of am. 😦

 

No, she hasn’t “done” anything to warrant this. Other than constantly use my worse fears and severe low self-esteem to foster me constantly taking her back, then emotionally abusing me to the point I feel my vital essences seeping out my ears like earthworms after a fresh rain.  😕 But now, based on a variety of seemingly off-handed things she has said, I have become paranoid. Yesterday morning, I had to go home alone after she was supposed to have taken her things and left. Alone. 😮 I say this again because it’s important. I had no idea of the state of my home when I arrived. I had no idea if she would still be there or not. Based on things she said, I had every thought that she would be there, just not “there” (if you see where I’m going). I fully expected to walk into a “war zone”. I asked my ex to go with me, but then I thought about it. I felt bad for expecting her to be there for me, so I told her never mind…I would go alone. I guess I just wanted her to “want” to be there for me. I wanted her to see that if I asked…obviously I was afraid.  😯

 

Of course, she didn’t…so I went alone. Yes, I was terrified, but it was then I knew without a doubt that I can only count on myself (just like I always said, but never wanted to accept). So after shakingly {yes, a new word…feel free to use it 😀 } buying new locks I made it home, and much to my surprise everything was intact and she was completely gone. I then changed the locks on my house and after working briefly, I spent all last night constantly checking & re-checking every door and window making sure they were locked.  Yes I do have an alarm…not the point at all. 😦

 

Fear is a powerful entity and her nails dig deep… 👿 … but she is all I have now. 😥

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The Haunted House

I hear strange sounds, “maybe it’s just the wind”

But I can hear the moaning and the creaking floor boards of the pacing foot steps,

Someone is in here.

“Hello?”, no one answers back.

But I can still hear the faint sobbing,

It sounds like it’s coming from the walls.

“Maybe there is an animal stuck, maybe I should call someone.”

I walk all around, it seems to be following me.

“How does it know where I’m going?”

“It must be behind me!” I turn quickly…but there’s nothing there.

But the crying is unmistakable and the room feels cold.

I pass by a mirror and catch a glimpse of it.

“What was it?”  “Where did it go?”

“Hello, is someone there?”, I say again into the dark abyss.

“I am no one and nothing”, a voice answers back.

“I am no longer alive as my days have long passed.”

“Do not fear me, I can no longer harm you”, a weakened voice says.

“Why are you here?”, I ask, frightened by this presence.

“I have no where else to go. I have no one who needed me, no one who loved me…no one who misses me.”

The tears start to pour forth like lava from a volcano, heavy and hot.

They fall from my face and become steam even in the cold room.

Now I know who my ghost is….

I do not need to look at it to know it’s name.

The sounds of lost love echo from wall to wall, the pain resonates like a jack hammer… constant and piercing.

I have been haunting my own house,

A house where love no longer lives

Where pain has taken up residence

And suffering is my only companion.

If you listen quietly, you too can hear the sounds of my Haunted House.

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Lost and Found

I get in the car, slam the door shut.

Where am I going?

No one knows…no one cares.

I’m speeding thru turns, racing over hills.

I’m looking for her…

The one who knows my hopes & dreams,

The one who loves me for me.

I lost her on a Tuesday

Or maybe it was a Friday.

I can’t remember when,

But I remember her kiss

I remember her eyes,

And I remember her tears……

She has someone else,

Someone else is learning her eyes,

Learning her kiss.

Why was I searching for her again?

She doesn’t wish to be found.

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With My Heart In My Hand

Once there was a girl I loved more than life itself.
 I will never know if she loved me the same way,
I think the universe never had the plan that we would die still together.
 But I love her still the same.
One day she went on with her life
She never looked back…
She knew I would be standing there…………
Still waiting….
With my heart in my hand.

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House for sale…fully furnished, must take whining ghost as well….cheap!

OK, yes I am still posting. If they come get me, then at I’ll finally have someone to talk too. 😛

Yesterday, several things came to me…

• I can’t complain that no one ever calls me if I never call anyone.
• People suck.
• Once a blood thirsty leech…always a blood thirsty leech and said leech will feed even without blood.

I needed someone to talk to so I called “her”. I tried to sound caring, concerned, interested in her well being. Do you know what she said to me? “Why are you being nice to me all of a sudden?” I would have punched a hole in the wall, if it wouldn’t have just cost me money I don’t have. WTF?! So fine. No more calling her. 👿

Then I call my ex. Not much better. She too sounded annoyed that I called. She too, was quick to get off the phone, so no more calling her either. 😥

Then “she” tells me her lease is up. “Is there any reason she shouldn’t renew?” WTF! Why even ask such a stupid question? In the year since I put her out, nothing is any different. I’m still the one she blames for her miserable existence and no matter how nice I try to be it’s never right. She will always find a way to ruin it.  😡

Now here’s the worse part. I have a friend who lives alone 😦 , I live alone 😥 , “she” lives alone 😈 , my ex lives alone 🙄 . Yet none of us can live together. 😳

So of course “she” wants to live with me again. Do I dare? 😯

Honestly I’m not sure. I mean have given up life really…so I guess I view it as a “push”. I’m miserable with her and I’m miserable alone. So either way I’m dying. The only good thing is if I let her move in…my ex won’t have to worry about me leaning to her. 😕  She deserves a stable person anyway…guess that’s why she doesn’t talk to me.

Wonder if it’s like dog hearing? She can’t even hear me anymore. 😐

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Because in the end…it doesn’t really matter

The other day a guy at work asked me what it would take for me to be happy.

WTF!? 😯

What kind of question is that? Happy? Me?

The worse part is that I can not answer that…I have no idea. 😦 He then asked me what I did for fun? So of course I’m thinking, “What is this the Spanish Inquisition or something?” 8)

Fun? I don’t have time for fun! 😡 I’m always at work! Fun is for the youth…the hopeful…the happy people in the world. It is not for the damaged and broken, indebted and lost….not for me. 😐

As it is my Halloween won’t even be what I wanted. I’ve spent all this money foolishly and my Mama can’t come like I’d hoped. I simply don’t have the time or money to go get her & take her back and she can’t afford to get her truck fixed and then drive all the way here. I guess sometimes I live in some fantasy world where things will just work out…but they never do. Hell, I don’t even have the ability to use my off days to put up my decorations, instead I’ll have to do it a little at a time when I get off every morning. 😐 Right now I have to work as much as I can since I am off Halloween weekend. So I just send her her costume, some candy and the money I would have spent on gas (she could use it anyway).

Really? What’s point anyway? 😕

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You can NEVER go home again

Have you ever studied yourself while looking into a broken mirror?

No?

Everyone should. It sort of gives you a different perspective…a sort of look into your soul as it were. While I have never done this myself, I have an idea that it wouldn’t show me anything I didn’t already see. My soul is just as broken as my heart…nothing new there.

 

I have been wondering… when does life actually begin? I’m not talking about the physics of it or even the logistics of it…but the spiritual aspects of it. See I can always see the end of it..but not the beginning of it.

My ex used to say “call me when you get home, so I know You made it safely”, since I am without a cellphone. I often wondered whether it was out of obligation or concern. So sometimes I would call, sometimes I would not. She used to say, “I love you” whenever we parted but one day she just stopped. She used to come by my house to see me, then abruptly this too stopped. Now she barely says two words to me, so I sent her an email saying I understand, maybe she just can’t talk to me anymore. Maybe she’s afraid to hear just how broken I really am, so I don’t blame her for no longer speaking to me…it’s just that way it has to be I guess. So I while I do wonder when the end actuially came, I can see it has come.  Her heart is officially closed to me and with this I am forced to carry the guilt forever.

 

So when will life begin anew? Anyone? An answer?

Yeah I thought so………for me, a person who has to work constantly….this is my life, nothing new here.  😥

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4 Days can feel like an eternity if you’re in a coma

If a Lady knows when to leave what does that make me? Hmmmm… OK, so we already know I am not a Lady…. Ladies are delicate yet strong. Ladies are pampered yet not fussy. Ladies are adored not abhorred. So we see I am definitely not a Lady. 😥

 

To this end…I have returned. Hiatus over. 😐

 

OK so you will recall from previous posts that “she” and I are no longer speaking. Well of course she is trying to wear me down again, but dear reader it shall not happen this time. 😕  She walked around here moping for days because I no longer spoke or even acknowledged her presence. Well then she would stop by my desk, say a word or two while I looked at her like she was lost or something. Then she would send me an email, to which I wouldn’t respond. Then she left me some ice cream (caramel…my fave), I thanked her for her kindness but offered nothing more. 😛  So she resorted to calling. I no longer answer my phone so she leaves message after message of her “undying love for me”, “Oh I’m still so in love with you”, blah blah. “Life’s too short for me not to let you know how I feel”, like I didn’t know. Whatever! 👿 Like I really care anymore. I tried and tried and tried. I no longer try. There are only so many times a dog can be kicked before it turns around a bites you. 😮

 

Oh wait there’s more……. 😳

 

So I finally call my Mama. I’ve been avoiding calling her because I don’t want her to hear my voice. See I can tell people what they want to hear all day. I can wake up put on my make-up, get dressed and go on like everything is wonderful and unless you really pay attention, things may seem OK at least. But when I talk, I can’t hide it. The pain just oozes from me like the festering, infected sore it is. Well anyway, she could tell I was fading. She just kept tell me to hang on…”wait another day, things will get better. I promise” (her famous words). 🙄  And as per proper protocol, I said “OK Mama, I’ll try.” She told me I should try to have fun, stop worrying so much. This almost caused me to let go of the rope I’ve been using to hang on while teetering on the edge. Have fun? What? Is she insane? Like I really have a choice in the matter. 😥

 

But still….it gets better…….wait for it…. 😳

 

So I had this room that I kind of thought of was a symbol of my marriage (which now that I think about it, it actually was literally more than figuratively). 😦 It had lots of pictures of my ex and I. It held all these framed words of love and commitment. It also held our Marriage Certificate. There were lots of Eiffel Towers, we got married in Paris (Tennessee). It was pink, with leopard print and pink roses. Yes, I know sounds crazy, but trust me….it worked very well. Anyway, I had already gotten rid of the leopard print linens long ago. I gave all pink roses, pink pillows, pink curtains and pink blanket away.  I’ve started giving away the art, next will be the Eiffel Towers. But nonetheless, I decided to paint the room. Now keep in mind, I have no money so of course I didn’t buy any new paint. I’m using paint I still had from when I painted the upstairs bathroom cabinets over a year ago. Sadly it will be the room most uncharacteristic of me, but whatever. OK, there’s a point here….stick with me. 😐

 So, it’s early this morning and I’m just painting away. I covered in paint speckles and sweat. 80 When my doorbell rings…. Yes, you read right. It’s like 730 in the freaking morning, I am pouring sweat and the door bell rings. Now anyone familiar with my story knows this is not a good thing and most definitely not at 730am. So begrudgingly I drag downstairs, leer into the peephole and what (notice not whom) do I see? At first I am not sure, but as I stare at the what is pacing on my porch I wish my paintbrush was a gun. Because on my porch at 730 in the morning was “him”. The tried to rape me “him”. The “him” I have had absolutely no contact with since early spring. The “him” that was the catalyst for me changing my phone numbers so many times I can’t even remember it anymore. 😡 Before you ask, NO I did not open the door and “accidentally” pour paint all over him…although I wish I had thought of it at the time (Darn it! 👿 ). I was FAR too pissed that he would dare step one foot on my property. I simply watched him pace back & forth first on the porch then in the parking lot, stare at all the open windows of my house and finally leave. Now here is why this is more madness than you realize. Before I was so disgustingly interrupted from my laboring at placing a band-aid on my broken heart, I was listening to my Ipod. The current song was Send Me Someone to Love and I was just saying if I believed in wishing, I wish I did have someone of my own to love. And then the doorbell rings. I thought I would vomit when I saw what it was.

 

So let me tell you, dear reader whomever you believe is your Creator…She/He has a wicked sense of humor. 😈  And believe me when I saw I was most assuredly not laughing….:?

http://www.last.fm/music/Erykah+Badu/_/A+Child+With+the+Blues

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To have a mid-life crisis, do you need a life first?

As my reader I know you probably hope that one day I’ll write something happy and uplifting. Well if you are hoping such nonsense….what the heck are you doing here?  😉

I mean really…hope? Is that anything like dropping pennies in a wishing well? 😕

OK, now that that hilarity is over….. back to the morose. 😐

Yesterday my ex told me her parents separated. I’m not sure if this is permanent or just a bump in the road, but it really got me thinking. See, now her & her mother are staying with her cousin. And my ex says she’s saving for an apartment…further solidifying that she is never coming back. 😦 All the while I keep having the thought that now is the time she’s going to move to Mecca (Mecca being Atlanta for all you not in the life). She has always wanted to live there, although I’ll never understand why. Traffic at 2:15am on a Wednesday? No thank you!

But I’m figuring now is the time for her to make her move. I mean it’s not like she has anything here. She has lots of family there, she has her Master’s and now her Mother is free (which is all she stayed here for anyway). Granted she is my one and only actual friend but even that’s different now and besides it’s not about me. It’s about her & what she needs and wants.

Which evidently isn’t me….. 😥

I guess it’s obvilous to all, that I am not over her like I say. I just figured a lie is better than the truth, you know. I mean it’s been over a year. So I should be over her, right? 😕 In this case the truth shall not set me free. I’ve  been truthful all along and look what that’s gotten me….a bucket full of loneliness, a handful of bitterness and a heart full of pain. 😦

She used to say it was “me and you against the universe”. Now it’s just…well you know…….

 I guess some things are just unforgivable…. You know the statement “You can never go home again”? I guess that’s true in more ways than one can imagine.  😳

http://www.last.fm/music/Marlena+Shaw/_/Will+I+Find+My+Love+Today%3F

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This house is not a home…but my only family lives here.

Yesterday my supervisor was fired.

After having worked here for over twenty years… she’s gone. One of the few managers I’ve ever had that actually cared about her people. We could talk about anything…and have. She may not have understood me fully, but she was actually willing to try. When I was upset with her, she would constantly try to find the root of it, so we could be friends again. I will miss her more than I can explain. I know she’ll be OK…actually this is what she needed. But that doesn’t make it better…that doesn’t make it right. (Now is just not the time I needed to lose anyone else.) But she…like so many others is gone……… 😥

There was no ample justification given, simply “Management decided blah, blah, blah”. On top of this “they” decided to close part of our company and send it off shore. Off-shore? With the state of our country being as it is… 👿

So is with extreme caution that the rest of us tread. We are so very worried about of state of employment, that it is hard to function. I mean I’ve been here over ten years, there is nothing else I can do. This is a town of call centers and factories, so if they release us….most of us have no where to go. Well, actually I have somewhere to go but I won’t say here. If you’ve ever read any of my posts, then you know where I’d go. Facing my possible unemployment further cemented an idea…a mantra if you will, that resonates deep in my heart/soul/mind.

I have nothing.   

These words move me to tears,makes me shake, and my blood run cold. These are words that no one likes to face, but if the truth shall set you free….no one is as free as me. 😥

I sometimes ponder the thought…”Do people think I say these things for attention?” I look into their eyes and in them I see a hope that I am, but I am not. I do not seek attention…I do seek understanding. I seek companionship. I seek unconditional love. I know me above all others, and I know that unless I completely and totally relinquish my soul, I will never find these things. 😥

http://www.last.fm/music/Luther+Vandross/_/A+House+Is+Not+a+Home

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Irony is a dish best served with a nice Chianti and some Fava beans….

Let’s talk IRONY, shall we…… 😕 *

 

I once had a wife who wouldn’t talk to me or have sex with me. Then I had a wife with whom I could talk about anything but wouldn’t touch me. Then “she” came along and all she wanted was sex and we couldn’t talk about anything. Now I have no one to talk to or share any sort of intimacy with…. 😥

 

I was always the President of the Man Haters Club. I got older and realized maybe I was being unfair, maybe men have their purpose.  🙄 Then I met a man with whom I thought I could be friends. He introduced to me to many people I would never have otherwise met. He took me took me to parties, I had never been to parties, ever. It turned out as is the way with this things, he only wanted to “convert me”. After he tried to rape me and yet profess his undying adoration, of course we are no longer friends… 👿

 

That man introduced me to a woman wanting only an affair. She was as Butch as they come. We could talk for hours. The sex was wonderful on both our parts (or so she said) 😉 . She was being physically & emotionally abused by her wife, I tried to show her a better way. She became protective of me and fell in love with me (after nine days), but still had a wife and 5 kids. Her wife left town, took most of the family money, so I gave her money to feed the kids (yeah, I am THAT kind of sucker 😯  ), saw the pictures so I know she fed them at least. She brought “minions” to my house to threaten me because she told her wife about me. Now they are no longer together, but I am afraid of drama. Of course I changed all my numbers and we never spoke again… 😳

 

I’ve mentioned my cell phone issue before, but let’s refresh. My ex & i used to share a plan, worked out great. When “she” came into the picture I added her to our plan to lower everyone’s bill (yes my ex knew). It worked for a second. ❗  Then there was the divorce 😥 . Everyone went their separate cell phone ways. Since I am single now I could not afford to keep mine. They both have their own and neither cares whether I do or not. Guess it doesn’t matter…if I had one an I had an emergency, who would I call anyway… 👿

 

I always tried to make sure I keep & cooked whatever foods my ex & “her” wanted when we were together. I was raised that you show your love through your food. 🙂 I have cook books and expensive olive oils. I have all manners of waffle maker, sandwich press, 2 sets of cookware, many sets of dishes, a couple of blenders, ramekins, fancy glasses, demitasse cups and a heart shaped muffin pan even. I have no one to cook for anymore. Now I eat whatever frost-bitten and expired foods I still have because I can’t afford to throw anything away… 😥

 

I try to only buy gas when I get paid, which is every two weeks. I don’t let it get below half because I’m always afraid I won’t have the money for more than that. I have noticed a great conspiracy at my favorite station, whenever I buy gas the prices will go down the same day. 😐 Usually it’s only a cent, at the most three. Madness, you say.  🙄  OK, I’m a researcher so I will conduct a study. I watched the prices fall all around my neighborhood, but I still refused to buy gas. Ever vigilant, I watch the board of “my” station in comparison. My standard 2 weeks pass, still they remain at 3.45/gal. I do not budge, I wait. My tank dips a little below half…I start to get nervous, but I wait. 3 weeks…no change…a little further below half.  OK, funding for research pulled (OK, so there was no funding) . I by buy gas at 3.45/gal from “my” station. What happens? Wait for it……………………..the price drops to 3.36/gal….the same day. 👿

 

I don’t smoke, rarely drink (except here lately, until it’s gone), I don’t shop anymore (see previous posts). All I had left was my “fancy nails”. 😉 They weren’t much, I mean nothing to even talk about, but they were the only thing I had left just for me. These nails have been the source of many arguments over the years, but still I managed to keep them (my entire female family has paper thin nails). Growing my own is not an option, besides I’ve always been a nail biter except when I got them done. 🙄 Did I ever tell you about my jewelry? I wear more than most women. I wear lots of rings. I feel like, without my fancy nails, my fingers look like over cooked sausage links. I will not be wearing my rings anymore… 😦

 

After thinking about it. Hemming and Hawing over it, I finally decided to turn off my cable and Internet (only had the “lightening fast” service for 2 months after 10 years of dial up 😡 ). They were supposed to wait a few days so I could move all my saved emails to one of my free addresses, they didn’t. I have lost all my important emails, passwords & addresses. Then “THEY” reinstated OT at work (at least for this week). My email address was nothing_fancy@ XXXXXXXX.XXX, but since I no longer have it I guess that proves I really am less than nothing…. 😥

 

I saved all my Amex points for a fancy dinner was going to go on with my ex before she was my ex. 😳 Then I kept them. I was going to go out with “her”:, but we never went anywhere.  👿 So I kept them. Then I was going to use them towards a vacation, yeah I was dreaming there for a second. 😯 So I kept them. Then I heard about a concert I wanted to go to. I had missed so many over the past year. If I used my points it would be pretty close to free 😮 . I have said tickets, I have no one to go with and even when I tried to sell them, no one would buy them…. 😐

 

Before the OT was taken away, I worked as much as I could. People were staying,”Oh you’re going to have a heart attack before you know it.” “Yeah whatever” I said, ” “I’m not that lucky.” When I got the call it had been reinstated, as I finally laid down to try to salvage at least a couple of hours of sleep before I went in, I swear I believe I had a mild heart attack. No, I’m not being dramatic. (I have read the signs, I believed I had one once before.) 😳 All the stress, of my loveless life, my debts, no money, and loosing the last thing that made me feel well…fancy (my nails) I guess finally pushed me over. Too bad it wasn’t over a cliff…… 😈

 

I spent all these years trying to make my “house” a home and now I am constantly trying to fight to maintain it with no money and on one there on my side. At my address resides nothing but lost hope, broken promises and tear stained sheets…

 

 http://www.filestube.com/a65c4d5d3146008603e9/details.html

*{disclaimer: Sorry if I repeated previous posts, became oh-so long winded, seemed whiny, or otherwise morose. Welcome to my world!  If you don’t like it, you can leave just like they all do!😛 )

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If I knew how to spell, I’d send out an SOS…but for what?

Every day is a new day… every breath, a chance to live life anew. But what about those for whom every day is simply a rehashing of the day before? What about those for whom the act of taking another breath is just another knife in their back? 😐

I’m an extremist…either things are or they’re not. And trust me, I know when they are not…right now in this time…in this place…they are not!  😡

See there are people who would rather I be happy, these people are “savers”. They think if I just “wait one more day, things will be different”. They say you deserve to be happy and one day you will find happiness. They just don’t see that in waiting one more day, things are different…worse, but different. I don’t feel I am the kind of person who deserves “the happy ending”.  😕 What have I done, that is even moderately worthy? I am no great person, apparently I am selfish (even my mother says so), I really not nice, I am very controlling, I’m very critical (in case you hadn’t noticed) and I am very opinionated. I’ve seen me naked and clothed and trust me, there’s nothing to see here. I never finished anything…I couldn’t even finish a 6-week Hoop class. So really what am I waiting for? 😥

Yesterday I went through and paid my bills for the next two weeks , as this is the last OT check. Yesterday I was really upset, yesterday I was beyond consoling (not that there was anyone who would have noticed). But today I am different….today I am lost, completely and totally. Today I realized that without the OT I’m so used to having, there is absolutely no way I will be able to function upon next pay day (in 2 weeks). It’s way beyond me trying to protect my credit rating, it’s beyond me trying not to burst into tears (like that ever solved anything)…it’s beyond anything at this point. If I can’t afford to pay all I owe, how am I supposed to be able to afford all the late fees I will undoubtedly incur? The short and only answer is that I can’t! And honestly I have no idea what I am going to do. Tomorrow, I’ll be looking into turning off more things, but I really don’t have anything left to disconnect. I tried to sell things and that only ended up costing me, so that’s out. And now I am seriously contemplating taking a long long walk….and forgetting all of this. 😯

By the by (yes, yes, I know– I just like the saying, OK?), I was talking to “her” yesterday and as usual she failed to see my point. I was trying once again to impart unto her the importance of relying solely on herself. I tried to point out that I too am in need and I cannot be there for her. I tried to get her to see she needs grief counseling and even as she said she could use me and I pointed out to her I will not do it, do you know she still couldn’t see how she was trying to force this upon me? I swear it’s like talking to a ….well I’m not sure because even if I say a rock, one can build upon them and she is no where near as useful. So let’s just say, it was yet another wasted commentary on my part. My I sure like to beat a dead horse, don’t I? Jeez!! 😳

http://www.last.fm/music/Kelly+Sweet/_/Dream+on

**Sing with me, sing for the years
**Sing for the laughter and sing for the tears
**Sing with me, if its just for today
**Maybe tomorrow the good lord will take you away

http://www.last.fm/music/Aerosmith/_/Dream+On

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“Knock down three balls…win a prize!”, but the game is rigged.

I know I am no prized catch….trust me. I mean I would like to think I am, but my reality says otherwise. And we all know I simply don’t do hopes & dreams………..so I am what I am. But I can’t help but wonder why no one loves me like I dreamed they would (when I was little)?

I hear of people who are in love with each other until they die (of natural causes 😉 ). Maybe “true love” is a myth (like pants…F.O.P reference ). Everyone I have ever loved, is gone in one way of another. The only one who truly loved me as I am, was my ex, and well I guess that time has passed. She has moved on, and I’m still here…alone. 😥 I think of all the people whom I have loved or who said they loved me and my ex was the only one who I think actually meant it.

Oh well why did I wake up today, again? Yeah, I figured you didn’t know either……….

 

http://www.last.fm/music/Rose+Royce

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Goodbye……….

OK, so I am done. I simply have no more to give, no more kindness, no more love, no more anything. I was already hopeless, but now I am just too tired to even try anymore. 😡

I spent the last few days with “her”. And I have learned that all my effort has been useless… wasted. Foolishly I tried to be there for her in her hour of need, but I should never have made an effort. See I have learned that I have a major problem saying “NO” and standing by it. I am a people pleaser even when that means I will suffer, but that will happen no longer. I must focus on sticking to my word, which we know is not one of my strong points. 😦

From previous posts, you know I never take off and never spend money. But for “her” I did, I tried to be there for her, help her through her mother’s death. But even I have limits. You can’t keep acting like an ass and think I’m going to just write it off as “she’s in pain…let it go.” She said some pretty hurtful things to me, pushed my buttons, forced my hand and in the end she blamed it all on me and the next day blamed it on the alcohol. Well, I subscribe to the idea that alcohol won’t let you do things that you wouldn’t normally do sober…it just removes your inhibitions. So obviously what she said, she felt she needed to say and now she will have to live with those consequences. See what she forgets is that I don’t need her…it is she who needs me. I never ask for anything, she is constantly asking me for everything. She has never made a promise to me and kept it. Never offered to help me in anyway, never listened when I just needed to talk. But all I get from her is what she needs, what she wants, “all I want to do is love you.” Well whatever! I am done. 👿

Why have I put up with her for so long, you may be wondering. Well obviously you too, aren’t listening (reading). I truly feel that this is it for me, I will die alone (my greatest fear in the universe). See, one can handle all tragedy eventually. But being alone & lonely…well you never learn to accept that. I mean, yeah you can accept it for a while…you can even say you’re better for it. But all that gets old as you get old, and trust me, I’m getting old. So I put up with her because I kept thinking she was all I was ever going to have, but now I’m thinking alone will just have to do.  😥

 

http://www.last.fm/music/A+Fine+Frenzy/_/Almost+Lover

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Do you feel lucky, punk? Well…do you?

Today I was an innocent by-stander of a conversation between two young women who recently had babies. Periodically they would include me in their exchange although I had no experience in the whole area of childbirth, pregnancy, boyfriends…well you get my point. 🙄 Anyway, they got around to talking about how insensitive their respective “Baby Daddies” are and how I should be glad that I’m a lesbian because “most men aren’t worth it” blah blah blah. But what really got me was when they said, “You should be glad you don’t have any kids, you are so lucky.”

Lucky? Me? 😯

So it got me to thinking…”Am I lucky that I don’t have any kids?”

On the surface, I guess so. I mean I don’t have any other mouths to not feed, I don’t have someone else not to take to the doctor. No school trips, no school clothes, no PTAs, no bullies, no permission slips….. But deep down…well not so deep really… I’m far from lucky. I have no one to shield from the world. No one to teach how to be subversive. No one to love me unconditionally. No one to hold when they cry. No one to watch become an adult and hide from the world like I do. No one to care for me when I’m feeble and lost in my own kitchen.  In essence I have no one.

So no, I am not lucky. Far far from it actually…………… 😥

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Why………

Some could say, “Why ask why?” But these days that is my only question. I try not to ask “why me?” , because I know everyone cannot be perfect…some of us are in fact here to suffer something. There are things we must go through to learn whatever it is we must know, but I still wonder “why”.

Why am I alone? Is it because I ask too much? Do I want more than I deserve? I am willing to provide for someone all that I ask of them and nothing more or less. I don’t ask for extravagance nor do I ask for any sort of rise in status. I am no longer seeking a “knight in shining armor to rescue me”, these are the whims of children and the Manic 🙄 . I know that if I expect someone to work hard, I must as well.

Gone are the days where I dreamt of a life as a housewife (yes, yes I know not the Feminist thing to say)…you know like in “Little Shop of Horrors” where Audrey wanted the house just like in Better Homes & Gardens?  Well I wanted one too….but I don’t any longer. Mostly because I no longer dream & hope for such silly things. OK so I no longer dream & hope for anything.

When I was a teenager, my Mother used always tell me she didn’t want me to get a job like all my other friends. She told me I would always be taken care of and supported. I knew it was because she had always worked, always supported herself, and never had the chance to enjoy life. She wanted better for me, she wanted me to be spoiled, loved, adored. As I grew up I learned quickly my Mother was insane. I know me better than anyone ever could and I knew no one would ever come along to do these things, no matter how much I wanted to believe in her pipe dreams. I used to resent that she never taught me how to me my own woman, never taught me how to face the world and demand what I wanted, never taught me to be “that woman”. But now I know, she did what she thought was best. She meant no harm, she just didn’t want me to become her, always working and never stopping…never having someone in my life who would worship me and cherish me…never wanted me to be alone. But like all extremes, no matter which way you push them they will also have to swing back with the same force. So I am just like her and I know it kills her to know that. Hell, it kills me too.

I think of all her husbands and how they went on to do more, become better men because of her. And it reminds of all my exes, and they too have become better without me. Yet here I am, wondering how to make it from day to day.

Wait, what was my point with today’s post? I have forgotten, my brain is starting to drown in my tears again. Never mind. 😦

http://www.last.fm/music/Annie+Lennox/_/Why

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There, but by the grace of God, go I…

Originally I started writing today’s blog about my newly discovered flaws, of which granted I have many…but apparently I have some I was not aware of. But I realized (yet another) error on my part, so I will not speak of such things today. 😦

Instead I will focus on those things which stop me from sleeping…my debts. I do my best to not complain to others about them. I’m an adult and I have made my choices good or bad (a lot of bad), so the way I see it these are my responsibilities and I must face them. Does that make me feel any better? Does it comfort me when my chest hurts and my stomach burns and the hives start? NO! No, it does not. 😦

I read article after article about bankruptcy and debt consolidation and personally I feel like I am more lost & confused than I am broke, and let me say I AM beyond broke, so that is saying a lot. Filing bankruptcy is most assuredly not what I want to do…odd for me the Goddess of Acquiescence. But I value my credit rating, most people have some form of credit issue and while mine is definitely not A+, I like to think of it as pretty decent. 😐 If I file then I am saying, “hey you were right, I can’t afford to have a house. And yes, they should restart debtors prison just for people like me who care not for the consequences of their lack of actions.” These are not the ways that I think though. I give in when it’s not worth trying or when whatever I am fighting for doesn’t wish to be had by me. So in this, I go on working…I’m now trying to see how many consecutive days I can work before someone has to die. 😐 (We’re now on day 10. 😦 ) It may not seem hard, but when you think of it as 9 of those were 12 hour days in a Customer Service position, you then realize it becomes important to to able to Google “How to make a shank out of your own keyboard”.

The other night I was listening to a call-in talk show on the radio and this guy was talking about taking care of his mother. He’s only 18 and works 2 jobs to help support his mother. According to him, she works (the same place as one of his jobs), but has had a hard life and a few divorces, the last of which caused her to have to leave her last job. Supposedly at this last job she made quite a bit of money according to the son which was $X per hour. As if I needed any more of a reminder of just how bad my life sucks….I had to hear this! I make more than she did and I eat peanut butter (I really do not like peanut butter). I lay in bed sweating because I can’t afford to cool my house (I live in the oven of the country…the south). I eat almost anything that someone offers me, because I can’t afford to buy grocery. I do try to remember to take my meds everyday, but if I forget 😉 I don’t rush to take them…they cost too much. The only thing I have, which I actually enjoy is my Hoop class (I registered for it in a fit of Mania), and of course I cannot afford to take the second part of the class. Hell I am even being forced to try and sell my Wii (a combo fit of Christmas/Birthday Mania & S.A.D), because I need the money. And now this freaking sad radio caller is making me cry because my life should be so much better and I am powerless to do anything about it.

God Bless America….I suck.

http://www.last.fm/music/Lyfe+Jennings/_/Must+Be+Nice

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I am what I am…….

I was never one to think of myself as unique. I’m just as “different” as every other sheep out there. I know there is nothing special about me, I struggle, I hate, I hope, I manage…just like every one else. But you know, people have never really made an effort to understand me. Now granted people and the things they do/say baffle me every day but part of my desire to be a Psychologist was to study the human emotion/mind.  I wanted to not necessarily “fix” people like so many others try to do. I just wanted others to have someone to whom they could turn to who truly understood their plight…no matter how unlike my own it may be. But in all my years no one has ever tried to know what my plight really was.

I know life is no fairy tale…it’s not like it is on TV (unless you only watch CNN, in which case it is). I only ever wanted to be wanted.  Do you have any idea of what it’s like to have your own mother tell you (from the time I was little) how she never wanted me. To have her tell me I ruined her dreams of becoming a nurse. To have her tell me that my grandparents were constantly telling her to give me up for adoption. Do you know what it’s like to have your own father not only chose your little brother over you, but go so far as to steal him in the night and your mother use you as a trade to get him back? Chances are you don’t…I’m sure you know your own brand of pain.

But all of this just set the scene for the years of neglect that would proceed. Now absolutely no one wants to be bothered with me. I have no friends, even my ex would rather spend her time emailing others & playing Internet games. So personally I’m thinking if I just could disappear the only one who would notice would be … well actually I can’t think of anyone. 😦

Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying any of this for any form of sympathy….it just is what it is.

I know who and what I amand I know that my life experiences are what shaped me into the person I have become…….. and that person, my friends (?) sucks.

http://www.last.fm/music/Melody+Gardot/_/Worrisome+Heart

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Scarlet was wrong, tomorrow is NOT another day…it’s all the same

Today my mother called me, twice. She just felt that something was wrong and wanted to know what was going on. How could I tell her that my only thought is dying? How could I tell her that all the hope she has pinned to me, will never be fruitful? How can I tell my mother that her oldest child is so desperate that she envies people killed in random incidents…..not for the fame, but for the end of her suffering? (why am I writing in the 3rd person? oh well…)

I can’t…so I didn’t. I told her as I always do, “I’m making it…nothing to report, nothing else to say”. After she hung up the first time I cried so much I couldn’t breathe, coughing blood, you know the whole nine……then she called again. She made me promise her I’d be OK, wouldn’t “do anything”. We both knew what she meant even though the words were never said. She told me I don’t have to carry my burdens alone, she’s here for me. But how can I place my troubles on her? Yeah, she’s my mother but she has her own problems…she has my unless brother constantly worrying her, stressing her, using her…I could never add to that. My burdens are mine alone, I am getting exactly what I deserve.

 She still asks, “why won’t (my ex) come back?” Oddly, she never asked why she left in the first place. I would love yo say,”Mama, I think she thinks I’m too good for her…she wants me to happy and she felt she was holding me back.” Ha, that’s pretty funny… someone saying I’m too good for them (I’d laugh aloud, if it weren’t for the tears). Truth be told it’s more like, “Mama, I have no idea…I guess her resentment is stronger than I can fathom.” Of course after the last call, all I could do was sob for hours. Not just because of my situation, but because of course I feel selfish for even being upset when so many people go without even the basic necessities of life, and mostly because I see my mother’s life mirrored in my own more and more everyday.  😐

I remember a time when all my mother did was work (3rd shift no less), and her only outlet…alcohol, just like mine. Now granted she drank heavier and more ofter than I can even afford, but in what I do drink (coolers), for my system… I drink a lot of them. {And no I don’t recycle all that glass…fuck it!) Of course as all parents do, she wanted a better life for me….but well…that is not to be which is further proof I could never tell her. I’m even seriously considering starting to work 7 days a week (I’ll have no choice soon…might as well start  preparing myself now). 😦

Today someone said to me, “you know…when I see you (which is rare) it brightens my day. But I’ve noticed you don’t smile like you used to, can I help?” I guess for a better person, they would have felt good in that, but all I could think about was that even in that slight gesture of not smiling anymore, I was letting someone else down and my pain was getting harder to hide. They asked, “do you not have anything positive in your life to make you smile?” Me being me, I was honest, “no”, I said and then “she” got all bent out of shape.. guess I was supposed to say “her”. I tried to explain to “her”, when the negative over shadows your life, a few positive aspects are not enough. Of course this did not bode well with “her”, but well she’s a simpleton who thinks love will conquer all. Hell if that were true, I wouldn’t be in the situation I’m in now. Every woman I’ve been in a relationship with who promised to take care of me & love me no matter what, would still be doing so.

Just like Scarlet, they all lied…maybe I should switch sides…find a man….at least I expect them to lie.

On second thought…..that is worse than death…never mind. 😯

http://www.last.fm/music/India.Arie/_/Ready+for+Love

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These bags (under my eyes), don’t mean I’m vacationing

I face life everyday with the feeling that it is truly pointless. No little kid dreams of  being a failure and yet some of us still turn out that way.

I know a woman who spent years trapped in a cocoon she created to protect herself from harm. She walled herself up in layers of flesh and used food to save herself from rejection and pain. However as these things go, she realized just how lonely she had become so she resolved to change. She had gastric bypass in the hopes she would be more appealing and eventually she married the first man to ask. And I honestly believe she felt she would then be happy…….she is not. Since marriage; she has filed bankruptcy, moved away from her elderly parents with whom she is close, worked copious amounts of overtime and while she still smiles…you can see the pain in her eyes. All of this so she would not be alone.

Well I say all of that to say that I was married, financially stable (?), went to the movies, went out to eat, left town a time or two…hell I could actually buy grocery then. But I was married to someone who would not touch me…I’m still not sure which of us was the issue, but my “perfect relationship” lacked intimacy.  It was because of this, “she” managed to intercept our tight circle. But now here I am……as lonely as one can possibly be and still have a heartbeat. All because I wanted to have someone touch me, kiss me, hug, me…love me.

Now I’m facing the idea of bankruptcy, I work so much most of the time I have no idea where I even am. I cry now more than I ever have before. Hell just thinking about it, is making me teary. I try to remain strong, I try not to show just how broken I am…I mean I have no right to….I still have it better than so many others. I try to steel my resolve…but whenever someone touches me in passing, I feel as though I will crumble to the floor. I tried to talk to my mother about it today, well without actually saying anything, I’d hoped she could hear it in me…she did not. I guess that’s good, I can’t burden her with my problems. They are mine and mine alone to shoulder. She raised two children with a lot less………who am I to complain? Hell, it’s not even been a year yet and if I already feel like this how can I make it?

 

“You are so sweet”, “such a nice person”, “so loving and giving”…and yet obviously not because if this was all so true….why did I grow up to be a failure? 😦

 

http://www.last.fm/music/John+Legend/_/Stay+With+You

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Tomorrow is just Today in the witness protection program…

Not that I think anyone is really listening (reading) but when you have no one to turn to…who you turn to? I mean those religious types would say “turn to GOD, he is always listening.” But to that I say, “so are the voices in my head but they are no good at helping me when I need a shoulder to cry on.” It’s not that I could ever ask anyone for anything, I don’t think I have the right to…it’s just that sometimes I need to talk and I NEED someone to listen. I used to have a therapist listen to me for an hour once a month, but we both knew that wasn’t enough and now I can no longer afford even that. I guess I just wish I had someone I could talk to that I didn’t have to pay, but if there was such a person I know I’d feel bad about monopolizing their time with my ramblings. I need someone who genuinely cares enough to “want” to listen…and that’s the rub indeed. So sadly I turn to the Internet…the coldest, most obscure place possible. 

I can’t even talk to my mother about my life. She lives in a world where if you have a job, you should be giving praise everyday “because there are people worse off than you.” This does not bode well in a mind where guilt has taken up permanent residence. I know I am blessed, yeah yeah whatever. But I still have needs… I still have pains…I still cry out to no one in my empty house. But she doesn’t need to here those things.

I work so much now, I no longer try to remember the days anymore. I just look at the calendar and mark off another day down. Hell I even have to mark when I take my meds because otherwise I’ll forget if I took them or not and I most definitely can’t afford to double dose. I feel like I’m working for nothing though. I mean most (ok, some) people work an unholy amount of hours because they’re planning a vacation or a major purchase. I work because I have massive amounts of debt and I’m divorced. There was a time, ages ago it seems, when there were two people paying these bills…but now it’s just me…more punishment I guess. Can I see an end? Hell NO!! As it is I spend the rest of my brain (most is being used to find a viable means to an end), trying to figure out how to sell most of what I own. My house used to be my home, now it’s just a warehouse of memories and things I’ll never finish paying for.

I walk around there sometimes and I touch the walls and think ” I remember when we painted this”, or  “I remember when we put up these pictures, these curtains, etc.” It all seems so long ago…she’s been gone almost a year now…but to me it will always seem like hours ago…the pain is still so fresh. I look at pictures of us, and I wonder where it all went. To know I’ll never get any of it back, just cuts deeper than any blade.

Anyone got any Arsenic?

http://www.last.fm/music/Robin+Thicke/_/Complicated

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More tears……

OK, so of course it’s my off day and of course I am at work.  I haven’t even started yet and I am already very much ready to go home. 😦 But I have made some progress in the ways of my life. I have sort of reached a turning point (could be because I haven’t taken my meds in a couple of days). I have decided to let my ex go…I feel as though I have no choice actually. I love her so very much but I know she is gone from me and doesn’t wish to return so I have to stop being selfish and let her go. You know “they” (who are “they” anyway?)…”they” say if you love something set it free, if it’s yours it’ll come back to you. Well I guess, I’ll have to see… but somehow I don’t think “they” know what the hell “they” are talking about.

Anyway to this end I actually went out and bought her a bible. I know she has been trying to read it (cover to cover), to no avail. So I found a women’s version and it’s written in a really beautiful  script by different women of color because I figured if you’re going to read the bible, it might as well be a good version. I am trying to be supportive… I am trying to let her do what she feels is right for her…I am trying to be her friend…when what I want is to be her wife.

But we don’t always get what we want…do we? 😦

http://www.last.fm/music/Chaka+Khan/_/My+Funny+Valentine

http://www.last.fm/music/Me%27Shell+Ndeg%C3%A9Ocello

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Another day…..another tear

So here I am, another day spent at work for 12.5 hours. Each day I ponder the question…”Why am I even getting up?” Sadly the only reason I can find is so that “they” won’t come to forcibly discard me in the gutter like so much waste. I’d rather not be resigned to the side of the road like squished squirrels and run-over raccoons. But honestly I really do only get up so my mother doesn’t have to deal with my demise. So see, it’s purely for selfish reasons that I go on.

I look at my life and all I can see is failure and emptiness. I live alone in my own world of quiet desperation. I have no friends to speak of….by that I mean people to whom I could turn to. I do “talk” to people I work with, telling them only what they want to hear….because trust me when I tell them the truth, they can’t handle it.

There is my ex, who has moved into becoming religious in the whole holy roller style; going to church, reading the bible and other Christian lit, and who I think is becoming another “straight girl” (rainbow sticker still present, but the sperm references are more than unsettling 😦 ). When we were together she wasn’t that person, but she did used to be, so I guess it was meant that she would return to what she knows. We used to be able to talk but that now seems like an eternity ago. Now she has new friends, different interests, and then of  course there’s the hatred she holds for me in heart. She says it’s not there, but since what is done can never be undone, I know it festers there…but I cannot blame her.

There is the one who is obsessed with me, she drives me insane and not in a good way. While I do love her, it’s like how one loves the sun…yeah it’s great for a while, but eventually you get cancer and your corneas are burnt, know what I mean? 😐

Maybe more later……. in the meanwhile listen to this:

http://www.last.fm/music/Duffy/_/Hanging%20On%20Too%20Long

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Expresses my love sick heart

Love Me Like a River Does

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