We cannot hope for much in this world. But that do hope for we seek with an intensity akin to the rays of the sun if we were to step foot upon its surface. While yes, we may desire much in the ways of materialism and capitalism…what we truly seek is recognition. We want to be recognized for who we are and what we do. Mostly we want to be recognized for our heart. We seek to find that which we feel is missing…be it our soul mate, our other half, or as Jung stated our anima/animus. In the end all we really want is to have our soul recognized by another complimentary soul and to be joined as one entity.
That having been said…I ask why some of us must be cursed to walk the earth alone?
Yes, I have loved and yes I have felt love but I have never felt “recognized” by any other soul save one. However that door has been barred from me and upon its holy ground I shall never again roam, nor shall I feel it’s warmth radiate within me. A crime I still, many years later, cannot be pardoned from, nor can my heart ask for redemption.
But today, a day like most…full of despair and pain, is when I was shown that not only do I walk alone but when I rest it is not in the company of “friends”. See friends are those people who are there for you as you are for them. They are the people who know you when you forget who you are. They are the people you look to when you are in need because you know they have only your best interests at heart.
“She” as we all know has never had my best “anything” for any reason…never concerned about my well-being, my state of mind, or most importantly “she” has never recognized anything within me. And today further proved that when she asked me if I wanted to go to church with her.
I always say I cannot be offended, but that….well that offended my very core and she still cannot understand why.
I have always said “she” only loves “the idea” of me and not the real me, but mother fuck! Now I have to ask has “she” ever even looked at me? Has she ever heard the pain in my heart when I talk about my Ex and how she is a bible toting church going christian who probably bathes in holy water to purge her soul of me? Has she ever heard the fire spew from my soul when I speak of my own childhood in the church and the hypocrisy that I still taste in the back of my throat each and every Sunday?
Obviously “she” has not and would not, even if it meant I would pledge my undying love for her…which I would never do, that is sooooooooooooooooooo out of the question!
Also since clearly hell has reserved a front row seat for me, I do hope to not meet her in “purgatory” trying to tell me that if I just gone to church I could have saved my soul or some such bullshit…but oh wait I’ve already established that I am currently in hell because my life is already bathed in the smell of sulfur and my heart is already rotting at my feet like the flesh of the millions of “sinners” who came before me. Maybe then someone would look at me and recognize me…..I won’t hold my breath though.
~*~ Arsenic & Apathy *~* 