Things could always be worse…and for someone, it probably is.

Another year has rolled by and I am alone as usual. I digress, I am not just alone…but I am lonely. 😥 Funny thing is, one day last week a woman at work was talking about those of us who live alone. According to her logic, by living alone “we learn more about ourselves…we have time to think”. 😐

Well here’s what I have learned… I have learned that the longer I am alone, the more critical I become of others. While I used to talk about people, it was with my ex and we would laugh as we said crazy things..well since I have no one to talk to, my comments are being more mean and less amusing.  I no longer envy people with their “loved ones”, now I see them as wasteful heathens with blatant disregard for anyone but themselves. 😡  I have learned that having someone to talk to is not important if the TV works, besides they would probably not want to hear about whatever I’m whining about today. 😦  I have learned that if given enough time, I could in fact pluck every single hair from my body. Trust me, on this one….I’ve tried and there is never enough time. 😳 I have learned that I eat an exorbitant amount of cereal… I think I single-handedly keep soy bean farmers afloat. 🙄 I have learned that the things I have learned are stupid….I would rather live with someone who loved me as I loved them, with all my heart and soul. But since they do not exist…I have learned that my life still sucks. 👿

 

 I have, however, started the wheels of my bankruptcy in motion. No, I am still not ok with it..but it’s not like I have a choice. The nice lady I spoke with made it seem like all would be right in my world soon, but 5 years is a long time….so we’ll see. 😕
As is standard, I will be at work for the Holidays instead of with my loving family. Oh wait, what loving family? Hell, for that matter what family? 😥 Don’t get me wrong. I know I am blessed (as I’ve stated many posts before). Right now there are so many millions without jobs or homes or a prayer. Right here where I work, there so many people without any sort of “good” in their lives that it would break my heart if I still had one. There is a woman who just found out she may have colon cancer,  another woman whose husband may be dying, a woman who used to work here is currently in the hospital, and of course “her” father is dying (again). 😐  So I understand that my problems are minuscule in the grand scheme of problems, but nonetheless they are still there, so whatever.

 http://www.last.fm/music/The+Emotions/_/What+Do+the+Lonely+Do+at+Christmas

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You are just as unique as everyone else…and like them, you will die alone

Yeah it’s been a minute…. 😕

I hope you had at least the chance to see some turkey for Thanksgiving…maybe even had the chance to share some time with those you care about and/or love dearly. I spent it where I spend all my days. No, not laying on my living room floor crying…I was at work crying (so there 😛 ).

See this year Thanksgiving fell on a pay week. “HOORAY, you say…you can go Christmas shopping!!!” 😀 NOPE, I say!! Besides I don’t “do” Christmas {look it up….it’s in March..for goodness sakes}, I had so little money I had to take all the money out of my “piggy bank” and my meager Savings account and there are still bills that will go unpaid. 😳   {Did I mention we got a raise on this check?} Also it’s my ex and my Mother’s birthdays next week. So things just keep getting better! 😦   I know most people don’t see the problem here, but for me this is a MAJOR problem. I may forget to pay something, but I never purposely “forget” to pay something. I mean I’ve had nothing but change (less than $1.00) in the bank before but that was always after all my bills had been paid and I had food to eat. Not this time. 😥

[The irony? My mother always said I was the responsible one. I never shirked my responsibilities, and look where it got me? Alone and broke.]

Whatever………………………………… 👿

 

Thanksgiving much like every other holiday of late…………sucked maggot infested roadkill on the sunny side of the street. 😡  My mother spared about 3 minutes to tell me I was working too much and should enjoy life, while simultaneously telling me about all the people who wanted to spend the holiday with her. I was too drunk and too busy crying myself into a coma to really even care. Oddly some people at work offered to bring me food since I didn’t have a family. Not surprisingly, no one came through (except my Ladybug..we ate Subway sandwiches 🙂 ). I didn’t expect anyone to bring me anything anyway….every time they offered I would say “Well I don’t want you going out of your way or anything…if you happen to remember me I’d appreciate anything you brought me” and they would say “Oh it’s no trouble, I’m eating too, so I’ll bring you something”. Well I guess they ate everything….no one thought about me. My ex, didn’t even offer…guess she too could have cared less.

Whatever…………………………………………………… 👿

 

And “her”? Well technically she’s MIA. She’s been missing from work and no one knows where she is. I do know she was still alive as of yesterday…she sent me a text.  Her usual ramblings of madness & mayhem. She went to see her family, who if I am interpreting her message correctly (one never knows with her) weren’t so thrilled to see her. Personally I don’t blame them, but still it was a holiday and she is their sister….but I don’t know, And right now, I don’t care. 😐

Whatever……………………………………………………………………… 👿

 

So it has been decided. Life has finally beaten me to within an inch of my life. I am officially going to figure out how to file bankruptcy and try to at least get it started while I’m off for my birthday. This December marks my 20 year anniversary since I got my very first credit card. I’ve had lots of ups & downs since then. I’ve been unemployed many many times, gone through a couple surgeries, a couple of exes and now after all this time of constantly trying to beat the statistics of Black people with bad credit… I am done….I am just another face of the masses.

Whatever……………………………………………………………………………………………………………… 😈

 

http://www.last.fm/music/Coldplay

*I remember when I used to rule the world……….”*

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Tomorrow is just Today in the witness protection program…

Not that I think anyone is really listening (reading) but when you have no one to turn to…who you turn to? I mean those religious types would say “turn to GOD, he is always listening.” But to that I say, “so are the voices in my head but they are no good at helping me when I need a shoulder to cry on.” It’s not that I could ever ask anyone for anything, I don’t think I have the right to…it’s just that sometimes I need to talk and I NEED someone to listen. I used to have a therapist listen to me for an hour once a month, but we both knew that wasn’t enough and now I can no longer afford even that. I guess I just wish I had someone I could talk to that I didn’t have to pay, but if there was such a person I know I’d feel bad about monopolizing their time with my ramblings. I need someone who genuinely cares enough to “want” to listen…and that’s the rub indeed. So sadly I turn to the Internet…the coldest, most obscure place possible. 

I can’t even talk to my mother about my life. She lives in a world where if you have a job, you should be giving praise everyday “because there are people worse off than you.” This does not bode well in a mind where guilt has taken up permanent residence. I know I am blessed, yeah yeah whatever. But I still have needs… I still have pains…I still cry out to no one in my empty house. But she doesn’t need to here those things.

I work so much now, I no longer try to remember the days anymore. I just look at the calendar and mark off another day down. Hell I even have to mark when I take my meds because otherwise I’ll forget if I took them or not and I most definitely can’t afford to double dose. I feel like I’m working for nothing though. I mean most (ok, some) people work an unholy amount of hours because they’re planning a vacation or a major purchase. I work because I have massive amounts of debt and I’m divorced. There was a time, ages ago it seems, when there were two people paying these bills…but now it’s just me…more punishment I guess. Can I see an end? Hell NO!! As it is I spend the rest of my brain (most is being used to find a viable means to an end), trying to figure out how to sell most of what I own. My house used to be my home, now it’s just a warehouse of memories and things I’ll never finish paying for.

I walk around there sometimes and I touch the walls and think ” I remember when we painted this”, or  “I remember when we put up these pictures, these curtains, etc.” It all seems so long ago…she’s been gone almost a year now…but to me it will always seem like hours ago…the pain is still so fresh. I look at pictures of us, and I wonder where it all went. To know I’ll never get any of it back, just cuts deeper than any blade.

Anyone got any Arsenic?

http://www.last.fm/music/Robin+Thicke/_/Complicated

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