Today my mother called me, twice. She just felt that something was wrong and wanted to know what was going on. How could I tell her that my only thought is dying? How could I tell her that all the hope she has pinned to me, will never be fruitful? How can I tell my mother that her oldest child is so desperate that she envies people killed in random incidents…..not for the fame, but for the end of her suffering? (why am I writing in the 3rd person? oh well…)
I can’t…so I didn’t. I told her as I always do, “I’m making it…nothing to report, nothing else to say”. After she hung up the first time I cried so much I couldn’t breathe, coughing blood, you know the whole nine……then she called again. She made me promise her I’d be OK, wouldn’t “do anything”. We both knew what she meant even though the words were never said. She told me I don’t have to carry my burdens alone, she’s here for me. But how can I place my troubles on her? Yeah, she’s my mother but she has her own problems…she has my unless brother constantly worrying her, stressing her, using her…I could never add to that. My burdens are mine alone, I am getting exactly what I deserve.
She still asks, “why won’t (my ex) come back?” Oddly, she never asked why she left in the first place. I would love yo say,”Mama, I think she thinks I’m too good for her…she wants me to happy and she felt she was holding me back.” Ha, that’s pretty funny… someone saying I’m too good for them (I’d laugh aloud, if it weren’t for the tears). Truth be told it’s more like, “Mama, I have no idea…I guess her resentment is stronger than I can fathom.” Of course after the last call, all I could do was sob for hours. Not just because of my situation, but because of course I feel selfish for even being upset when so many people go without even the basic necessities of life, and mostly because I see my mother’s life mirrored in my own more and more everyday. 😐
I remember a time when all my mother did was work (3rd shift no less), and her only outlet…alcohol, just like mine. Now granted she drank heavier and more ofter than I can even afford, but in what I do drink (coolers), for my system… I drink a lot of them. {And no I don’t recycle all that glass…fuck it!) Of course as all parents do, she wanted a better life for me….but well…that is not to be which is further proof I could never tell her. I’m even seriously considering starting to work 7 days a week (I’ll have no choice soon…might as well start preparing myself now). 😦
Today someone said to me, “you know…when I see you (which is rare) it brightens my day. But I’ve noticed you don’t smile like you used to, can I help?” I guess for a better person, they would have felt good in that, but all I could think about was that even in that slight gesture of not smiling anymore, I was letting someone else down and my pain was getting harder to hide. They asked, “do you not have anything positive in your life to make you smile?” Me being me, I was honest, “no”, I said and then “she” got all bent out of shape.. guess I was supposed to say “her”. I tried to explain to “her”, when the negative over shadows your life, a few positive aspects are not enough. Of course this did not bode well with “her”, but well she’s a simpleton who thinks love will conquer all. Hell if that were true, I wouldn’t be in the situation I’m in now. Every woman I’ve been in a relationship with who promised to take care of me & love me no matter what, would still be doing so.
Just like Scarlet, they all lied…maybe I should switch sides…find a man….at least I expect them to lie.
On second thought…..that is worse than death…never mind. 😯
http://www.last.fm/music/India.Arie/_/Ready+for+Love
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). Everyone I have ever loved, is gone in one way of another. The only one who truly loved me as I am, was my ex, and well I guess that time has passed. She has moved on, and I’m still here…alone. 😥 I think of all the people whom I have loved or who said they loved me and my ex was the only one who I think actually meant it.
~*~ Arsenic & Apathy *~* 