Did you know that ear infections can cause Insanity? Too bad…I’m already there.

As my horrible day progressed I have come to realize a few things:

1. People are selfish
2. My Aunt is one of the few women who actually does love me unconditionally
3. Apparently people think I complain too much
4. No matter how much they beckon you, staples are not for eating

Now I know what you’re thinking and I know I will not explain….OK OK stop brow beating me…I’ll explain. 8)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am no martyr…far from it actually. But if someone is in need and I have any ability to give, I will. It doesn’t matter what the situation, who the person is, or even if I can’t logically afford to give…I will… freely and without a further thought, unless it’s my time you want/need. When I give my time, you better really need it and not waste it. Money can be replaced, but time cannot. I have seen people almost throw money away rather than give it to a person in need, this is insane to me. But this is not my point here. My point is that since I never ask anyone until I am beyond a simple need, when I do ask….it amazes me when people can’t be there for me.  😡

{case in point} Today– I needed someone just to be there…listen to me. There was no one, but when “she” called, I tried to explain to her why I was upset. Of course she was as obtuse as one can be and still have a pulse, so she didn’t understand. She asked me to come over and I soul screamed no, but somehow that translated into “OK”, over the blasted phone line. Well we all know how it went down. She whined, I ignored her. I tried to sleep, she kept talking. Then I did to her what she does to me. Every question she asked I said whatever she wanted to hear, then…. (that’s right…I did it) I blamed it all on the alcohol. I recanted all statements I made. I apologized for any misunderstanding that may have resulted. I reaffirmed that we are only friends and nothing more. HAHAHAHAHA! Aren’t you proud…for once I stood by my word! Of course despite all my apologizing, she broke down and left work crying. Whatever, I cry all the freaking time and she has never so much as sincerely apologized to me for anything. She knew I was upset and all she could see was a way to manipulate me into giving in to her insanity…well poo on her. It did not happen. 😈

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have always loved women. I used to tell people there is no such thing as an ugly woman. She may not be appealing to you, but to someone she is a GODDESS.  🙂 I preached it and I believed it. Well life  stole my rose-colored glasses and I learned women can be as ugly as all the Seven Deadly Sins. I used to applaud women who had the ability to manipulate a man, a situation, hell even a phrase and own it. But no longer. Now I am jaded and women with that particular skill set are just perfumed grifters, only looking for the next big score. Except for a few, one of whom is one of my Aunts. 😉

{case in point} Recently one of my Aunts’ house was broken into and a lot of things stolen. Now she has always been my favorite Aunt. She used to keep me back when I still an only child and we would listen to all the Carol King, Joni Mitchell, Hendrix, Joan Baez and songs (back when they were new), she was a peaceful militant. You know giant Afro with the “Fist” pick stuck in the back. She would talk to the little 4 year old me like I was an adult. We would go all sorts of place together and she let me be me…dressed anyway I wanted. I loved her. Went grew apart, she moved out west…I grew up. Well she came back and as these things go, I still loved her but now we were different. She had married a few times and now had a son. She always seem to carry a sadness I never understood, but I wanted to fix. Oddly I think she always thought the same about me. Well as I was saying, her house was broken into and apparently it was the last straw in a list of otherwise deplorable situations that had recently befallen her. We had emailing back and forth about this when I off handedly mentioned my singledom. She was unaware of this. I gave her the gist of my situation and do you know what she said? She of course told me to stop crying, but she was genuinely upset that after all these time I am still upset by the whole situation. Then get this… She said she will try to help me out financially. What? Your house was destroyed by some cowardly fool without a conscience and you are trying to help me? When I read this response from her, I could not stop crying….hard since I was (like now) at work.  This is the same Aunt who gave me money to have Lasik done, because she loved it so much and she knew I had always hated my glasses. The same Aunt who gave me money to help pay back taxes I owed last year. She is also the only family anywhere who gave me a house warming present when I bough my first & only house. I have never asked her for anything. Yeah, so I remember her birthday every year and sometimes I send her flowers just because…she still is so awesome to me, there are no words to describe it. 😳

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I try to keep to myself. I can’t be bothered with all the socializing people do at work….too much talking. Jeez! Don’t you people ever shut up? Well of course this wins me no popularity points with the Cube Citizens of Workerbeesville, let me just say. Sometimes I try to put up a brave front, I try not to have my life show on my face. Sometimes, however, I just don’t give a flying Fig Newton. When people ask, what’s wrong, I try to smile and say nothing. For some, this works. For others….well they know not to ask.

{case in point} Today– I had not slept much (see above, in case you forgot 😕 ) and with the removal of my last outlet (TV) I was just fed-up. Someone asked my “ex” to fix whatever is wrong with me. She said she didn’t know what was wrong. Then she turned to me, “what’s wrong, the usual?” The usual? Have my problems,issues, and pain become so common place that they are now viewed as “the usual”? :o. Well these just beats all. It made me realize that I talk too much and I’m not putting on the front I should. So from now on when someone ask, “what’s wrong?” I’m going to say, “Why thank you for asking, but it is the most glorious of given days. How could anything be wrong?” Oh never mind, that’s just too much to say…I’m sticking with “nothing”, until they leave me alone. 😐

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pica is one of my most favorite Psychological disorders. It is the compulsion to eat non edible objects. People will eat anything; utensils, hair, matches, needles, scissors, glass…anything. They can’t seem to stop themselves. When I was little I loved to eat paper. Specially not book paper. I’m still not sure why but thankfully I grew out of it. Good thing too since I also swallowed a lot of gum if you catch what I’m saying here. 😯 But this is not my point here. My point is Staples are a menace.

{case in point} While I have never eaten one nor placed one anywhere near my mouth, I do have a deep inner ear pain. So I’m thinking either I have been unconsciously eating staples as a snack or I just have another undiagnosed ear infection. Well there’s no money to go to the doctor, so I’m blaming the staples…that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 😛

http://www.last.fm/music/Herbie+Hancock

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There’s no such thing as a free lunch…unless you’re rich

You ever see those commercials where people are looking through their sofa cushions for money? Where do these people live?  😯 I have never had so much money it just pours out of my pockets. I mean people look through their clothes, luggage, old purses, even books looking for any money they may have left there. 😕

 

Know where I look? 😡

 

My jewelry box. 😥 I have been reduced to searching all the places where I may have taken off a ring or misplaced a broken bracelet. The saddest part is that in some cases the item may not be broken or missing stones, I just may no longer wear it for whatever reason.

 

Oh yeah, things could be worse. What if I didn’t have my only possessions worth anything to sell? What if I have to go sell plasma instead? 👿

 

What if I just slapped the next person who tells me “it could always be worse”? Who says this to an obviously broken person? Is this supposed to make it all better now? “Oh, you know you are right. It could always be worse. I could have been born with craniopagus parasiticus”.  {Look it up…I’m not feeling nice enough to tell you today}  😈

 

Why can’t people ever understand? 😕

 

No one ever considers how things could and should be better. I understand the need to be able to look down and think “well at least I’m not that person”, but still…. 😦

http://www.last.fm/music/Melissa+Etheridge/_/Bring+Me+Some+Water

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It’s a Wonderful Life……… think I could donate it to science?

Well….today is the day.  😮

 No not the first day of the rest of my life….because if it is I am seriously in trouble. 😯

Today is the day they turn off my cable and I loose my Internet at home. 😦  I have no idea how my life got so miserable, but let me say it is. 😡

I overheard a conversion today between two guys at work, one was asking about a video for some new song and the other guy was like “Man, I don’t have cable.” I thought the first guy was only to pass out on the floor. He was genuinely stunned that in this day and age there was a person without cable. I almost broke out into tears yet again.  I mean here I am with a giant flat screen plasma and no cable. 😳   Yeah, life is freaking awesome. It’s not like I was watching TV much anyway. There are a few shows I like, but I guess I’ll learn what it is that the pilgrims did or something.

Is it too late to invent fire? 😕 Maybe I’ll make shadow puppets or learn transcendental meditation? OK, OK…I know shadow puppets need a audience and with the Dali Llama in the hospital who’ll guide me through the time space continuum of my inner sanctum. OK, so maybe I’ll just do what I did when I had cable…lay on the floor and cry. 😥

 

http://www.last.fm/music/Ani+DiFranco

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Pride cometh before the fall…usually in the summer.

I will not accept hand-outs. 😮

 

There, I said it. It’s out there for all the world (OK, my few sweet readers) to see. 😯

 

It’s not about Pride, it’s about being deserving. 😕

 

Let me explain….

Once when I was little we went to visit a property that my Mother was given. The entire neighborhood knew my family from years ago and there was a woman close to some members of the family who owned a store across the street. Now this was way before kids were tattooed with “DO NOT TAKE CANDY FROM STRANGERS!” on their brains. 8)  Well this lady offered me a soda of my choice from her store. Now me being the kind of kid I was I didn’t take it. See I had been begging Mama for one all day (it was the middle of summer in the South….heat wave city), and she kept saying “No”. Well when this lady offered me one, of course I couldn’t take it. My Mama wouldn’t let me have one so I figured I better not take it from this woman either. Well, we all know what happened…. yep, I got a whipping. 😦

 

Apparently, you’re supposed to accept what people offer you….to this day I have never learned this lesson. 😳

 

There for a time my step-father used to get Food Stamps. He was a war veteran (re: guaranteed a job upon his return), back when that meant something other than coming home only to stand by the expressway with a cardboard sign. Well anyway for whatever reason we had food stamps, I hated them. Not just because I’m kind of a Republocrat, but because we didn’t need them. 👿 There were families that could have really used them, so it was always a major bone of contention in our house. You know, me against the establishment… my parents & their government subsidies. 👿 Well anyway Mama, used to yell at me all the time back then, “Blah blah, he served his country. Blah blah, it’s the least they could do.” Still I maintained, we did not deserve them. 👿

 

I had ovarian cancer. 😯  Yep, at 21…found out just the day after I think (things are a blur from then). I had surgery and chemo. My doctor said Mama & I should go to the American Cancer Society to find out about support groups. We went. We were given a tour, more pamphlets than should be printed and several cases of Ensure. The counselor there said I probably wouldn’t be able to eat once the chemo got started and what I could eat probably wouldn’t stay down anyway. She said the Ensure would help me feel a little better. I didn’t want it. I knew why this was happening, and feeling better was not what I deserved. Always being the same person I am now, I felt that life was not for me. When I was little I used to offer myself to whatever forces would end my suffering, but I still woke up everyday. 👿  I felt that this cancer was what I deserved…it was after all what I had in essence asked for, for so many years. I didn’t take the Ensure, but Mama did go back and get them. It’s what Mother’s do. I still didn’t deserve them.

 

I say all this because everyone who has ever met me knows I wear lots of jewelry and while I may say “Yeah but I need to get them re-done”, my nails have  been “fancy” for years. Well with my new found brokeness (yes I love creating words 😛 ), I’m in day 2 of being fancy-less. A young woman, who has known me for many years saw my hands yesterday. The first thing she said was “Oh my God, what happened to your nails. I’ve never seen you without them.” Yes being the Old Faithful equivalent of a tear factory, I got all teary eyed.  😥  I tried to explain in a low calm voice that I could no longer afford them, while wishing my hands would just fall off at this very moment. {Yes yes, I know all trivial to you, but not to me.} Well anyway after she realized that I was truly upset by my latest loss, she offered to give me the money to have them done. What?  😥   Of course the tears stopped back by my eyes. She is a young mother, there was no way I would dare take money from her. Absolutely no way!! But wow, she offered. The people that I thought loved me would never have done that and here she is, without hesitation offering to give me her much needed money. It broke my heart…what little there still is. 😳

 

So see my pride has nothing to do with who I am. If I don’t deserve it, I won’t take it. I don’t do things to be nice to other people, I do things because that’s also who I am. I feel there is a lot I have done wrong in my life and I will always being trying to pay my penance. You would think I was Catholic or something….I do love Rosaries though, it’s just that whole anti-gay thing thing….. 😆

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Irony is a dish best served with a nice Chianti and some Fava beans….

Let’s talk IRONY, shall we…… 😕 *

 

I once had a wife who wouldn’t talk to me or have sex with me. Then I had a wife with whom I could talk about anything but wouldn’t touch me. Then “she” came along and all she wanted was sex and we couldn’t talk about anything. Now I have no one to talk to or share any sort of intimacy with…. 😥

 

I was always the President of the Man Haters Club. I got older and realized maybe I was being unfair, maybe men have their purpose.  🙄 Then I met a man with whom I thought I could be friends. He introduced to me to many people I would never have otherwise met. He took me took me to parties, I had never been to parties, ever. It turned out as is the way with this things, he only wanted to “convert me”. After he tried to rape me and yet profess his undying adoration, of course we are no longer friends… 👿

 

That man introduced me to a woman wanting only an affair. She was as Butch as they come. We could talk for hours. The sex was wonderful on both our parts (or so she said) 😉 . She was being physically & emotionally abused by her wife, I tried to show her a better way. She became protective of me and fell in love with me (after nine days), but still had a wife and 5 kids. Her wife left town, took most of the family money, so I gave her money to feed the kids (yeah, I am THAT kind of sucker 😯  ), saw the pictures so I know she fed them at least. She brought “minions” to my house to threaten me because she told her wife about me. Now they are no longer together, but I am afraid of drama. Of course I changed all my numbers and we never spoke again… 😳

 

I’ve mentioned my cell phone issue before, but let’s refresh. My ex & i used to share a plan, worked out great. When “she” came into the picture I added her to our plan to lower everyone’s bill (yes my ex knew). It worked for a second. ❗  Then there was the divorce 😥 . Everyone went their separate cell phone ways. Since I am single now I could not afford to keep mine. They both have their own and neither cares whether I do or not. Guess it doesn’t matter…if I had one an I had an emergency, who would I call anyway… 👿

 

I always tried to make sure I keep & cooked whatever foods my ex & “her” wanted when we were together. I was raised that you show your love through your food. 🙂 I have cook books and expensive olive oils. I have all manners of waffle maker, sandwich press, 2 sets of cookware, many sets of dishes, a couple of blenders, ramekins, fancy glasses, demitasse cups and a heart shaped muffin pan even. I have no one to cook for anymore. Now I eat whatever frost-bitten and expired foods I still have because I can’t afford to throw anything away… 😥

 

I try to only buy gas when I get paid, which is every two weeks. I don’t let it get below half because I’m always afraid I won’t have the money for more than that. I have noticed a great conspiracy at my favorite station, whenever I buy gas the prices will go down the same day. 😐 Usually it’s only a cent, at the most three. Madness, you say.  🙄  OK, I’m a researcher so I will conduct a study. I watched the prices fall all around my neighborhood, but I still refused to buy gas. Ever vigilant, I watch the board of “my” station in comparison. My standard 2 weeks pass, still they remain at 3.45/gal. I do not budge, I wait. My tank dips a little below half…I start to get nervous, but I wait. 3 weeks…no change…a little further below half.  OK, funding for research pulled (OK, so there was no funding) . I by buy gas at 3.45/gal from “my” station. What happens? Wait for it……………………..the price drops to 3.36/gal….the same day. 👿

 

I don’t smoke, rarely drink (except here lately, until it’s gone), I don’t shop anymore (see previous posts). All I had left was my “fancy nails”. 😉 They weren’t much, I mean nothing to even talk about, but they were the only thing I had left just for me. These nails have been the source of many arguments over the years, but still I managed to keep them (my entire female family has paper thin nails). Growing my own is not an option, besides I’ve always been a nail biter except when I got them done. 🙄 Did I ever tell you about my jewelry? I wear more than most women. I wear lots of rings. I feel like, without my fancy nails, my fingers look like over cooked sausage links. I will not be wearing my rings anymore… 😦

 

After thinking about it. Hemming and Hawing over it, I finally decided to turn off my cable and Internet (only had the “lightening fast” service for 2 months after 10 years of dial up 😡 ). They were supposed to wait a few days so I could move all my saved emails to one of my free addresses, they didn’t. I have lost all my important emails, passwords & addresses. Then “THEY” reinstated OT at work (at least for this week). My email address was nothing_fancy@ XXXXXXXX.XXX, but since I no longer have it I guess that proves I really am less than nothing…. 😥

 

I saved all my Amex points for a fancy dinner was going to go on with my ex before she was my ex. 😳 Then I kept them. I was going to go out with “her”:, but we never went anywhere.  👿 So I kept them. Then I was going to use them towards a vacation, yeah I was dreaming there for a second. 😯 So I kept them. Then I heard about a concert I wanted to go to. I had missed so many over the past year. If I used my points it would be pretty close to free 😮 . I have said tickets, I have no one to go with and even when I tried to sell them, no one would buy them…. 😐

 

Before the OT was taken away, I worked as much as I could. People were staying,”Oh you’re going to have a heart attack before you know it.” “Yeah whatever” I said, ” “I’m not that lucky.” When I got the call it had been reinstated, as I finally laid down to try to salvage at least a couple of hours of sleep before I went in, I swear I believe I had a mild heart attack. No, I’m not being dramatic. (I have read the signs, I believed I had one once before.) 😳 All the stress, of my loveless life, my debts, no money, and loosing the last thing that made me feel well…fancy (my nails) I guess finally pushed me over. Too bad it wasn’t over a cliff…… 😈

 

I spent all these years trying to make my “house” a home and now I am constantly trying to fight to maintain it with no money and on one there on my side. At my address resides nothing but lost hope, broken promises and tear stained sheets…

 

 http://www.filestube.com/a65c4d5d3146008603e9/details.html

*{disclaimer: Sorry if I repeated previous posts, became oh-so long winded, seemed whiny, or otherwise morose. Welcome to my world!  If you don’t like it, you can leave just like they all do!😛 )

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If I knew how to spell, I’d send out an SOS…but for what?

Every day is a new day… every breath, a chance to live life anew. But what about those for whom every day is simply a rehashing of the day before? What about those for whom the act of taking another breath is just another knife in their back? 😐

I’m an extremist…either things are or they’re not. And trust me, I know when they are not…right now in this time…in this place…they are not!  😡

See there are people who would rather I be happy, these people are “savers”. They think if I just “wait one more day, things will be different”. They say you deserve to be happy and one day you will find happiness. They just don’t see that in waiting one more day, things are different…worse, but different. I don’t feel I am the kind of person who deserves “the happy ending”.  😕 What have I done, that is even moderately worthy? I am no great person, apparently I am selfish (even my mother says so), I really not nice, I am very controlling, I’m very critical (in case you hadn’t noticed) and I am very opinionated. I’ve seen me naked and clothed and trust me, there’s nothing to see here. I never finished anything…I couldn’t even finish a 6-week Hoop class. So really what am I waiting for? 😥

Yesterday I went through and paid my bills for the next two weeks , as this is the last OT check. Yesterday I was really upset, yesterday I was beyond consoling (not that there was anyone who would have noticed). But today I am different….today I am lost, completely and totally. Today I realized that without the OT I’m so used to having, there is absolutely no way I will be able to function upon next pay day (in 2 weeks). It’s way beyond me trying to protect my credit rating, it’s beyond me trying not to burst into tears (like that ever solved anything)…it’s beyond anything at this point. If I can’t afford to pay all I owe, how am I supposed to be able to afford all the late fees I will undoubtedly incur? The short and only answer is that I can’t! And honestly I have no idea what I am going to do. Tomorrow, I’ll be looking into turning off more things, but I really don’t have anything left to disconnect. I tried to sell things and that only ended up costing me, so that’s out. And now I am seriously contemplating taking a long long walk….and forgetting all of this. 😯

By the by (yes, yes, I know– I just like the saying, OK?), I was talking to “her” yesterday and as usual she failed to see my point. I was trying once again to impart unto her the importance of relying solely on herself. I tried to point out that I too am in need and I cannot be there for her. I tried to get her to see she needs grief counseling and even as she said she could use me and I pointed out to her I will not do it, do you know she still couldn’t see how she was trying to force this upon me? I swear it’s like talking to a ….well I’m not sure because even if I say a rock, one can build upon them and she is no where near as useful. So let’s just say, it was yet another wasted commentary on my part. My I sure like to beat a dead horse, don’t I? Jeez!! 😳

http://www.last.fm/music/Kelly+Sweet/_/Dream+on

**Sing with me, sing for the years
**Sing for the laughter and sing for the tears
**Sing with me, if its just for today
**Maybe tomorrow the good lord will take you away

http://www.last.fm/music/Aerosmith/_/Dream+On

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“Knock down three balls…win a prize!”, but the game is rigged.

I know I am no prized catch….trust me. I mean I would like to think I am, but my reality says otherwise. And we all know I simply don’t do hopes & dreams………..so I am what I am. But I can’t help but wonder why no one loves me like I dreamed they would (when I was little)?

I hear of people who are in love with each other until they die (of natural causes 😉 ). Maybe “true love” is a myth (like pants…F.O.P reference ). Everyone I have ever loved, is gone in one way of another. The only one who truly loved me as I am, was my ex, and well I guess that time has passed. She has moved on, and I’m still here…alone. 😥 I think of all the people whom I have loved or who said they loved me and my ex was the only one who I think actually meant it.

Oh well why did I wake up today, again? Yeah, I figured you didn’t know either……….

 

http://www.last.fm/music/Rose+Royce

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Goodbye……….

OK, so I am done. I simply have no more to give, no more kindness, no more love, no more anything. I was already hopeless, but now I am just too tired to even try anymore. 😡

I spent the last few days with “her”. And I have learned that all my effort has been useless… wasted. Foolishly I tried to be there for her in her hour of need, but I should never have made an effort. See I have learned that I have a major problem saying “NO” and standing by it. I am a people pleaser even when that means I will suffer, but that will happen no longer. I must focus on sticking to my word, which we know is not one of my strong points. 😦

From previous posts, you know I never take off and never spend money. But for “her” I did, I tried to be there for her, help her through her mother’s death. But even I have limits. You can’t keep acting like an ass and think I’m going to just write it off as “she’s in pain…let it go.” She said some pretty hurtful things to me, pushed my buttons, forced my hand and in the end she blamed it all on me and the next day blamed it on the alcohol. Well, I subscribe to the idea that alcohol won’t let you do things that you wouldn’t normally do sober…it just removes your inhibitions. So obviously what she said, she felt she needed to say and now she will have to live with those consequences. See what she forgets is that I don’t need her…it is she who needs me. I never ask for anything, she is constantly asking me for everything. She has never made a promise to me and kept it. Never offered to help me in anyway, never listened when I just needed to talk. But all I get from her is what she needs, what she wants, “all I want to do is love you.” Well whatever! I am done. 👿

Why have I put up with her for so long, you may be wondering. Well obviously you too, aren’t listening (reading). I truly feel that this is it for me, I will die alone (my greatest fear in the universe). See, one can handle all tragedy eventually. But being alone & lonely…well you never learn to accept that. I mean, yeah you can accept it for a while…you can even say you’re better for it. But all that gets old as you get old, and trust me, I’m getting old. So I put up with her because I kept thinking she was all I was ever going to have, but now I’m thinking alone will just have to do.  😥

 

http://www.last.fm/music/A+Fine+Frenzy/_/Almost+Lover

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Forever free…….(I wish)

There have been a lot of bad times in my life…. right now is a prime example of my worst (this even beats my cancer). 😥

 But there have been a lot of good times…even some really awesome times. 😀

But I would give anything….I’d give everything…for just one time to really feel like this song makes me wish I could feel (and to be able to remember it).  

http://link.brightcove.com/services/link/bcpid1578012234/bctid1534505954

It has such life…such hope…such energy. It seems so carefree, like you could really really live every moment like this…that is until reality drops you on your head. 🙄

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Do you feel lucky, punk? Well…do you?

Today I was an innocent by-stander of a conversation between two young women who recently had babies. Periodically they would include me in their exchange although I had no experience in the whole area of childbirth, pregnancy, boyfriends…well you get my point. 🙄 Anyway, they got around to talking about how insensitive their respective “Baby Daddies” are and how I should be glad that I’m a lesbian because “most men aren’t worth it” blah blah blah. But what really got me was when they said, “You should be glad you don’t have any kids, you are so lucky.”

Lucky? Me? 😯

So it got me to thinking…”Am I lucky that I don’t have any kids?”

On the surface, I guess so. I mean I don’t have any other mouths to not feed, I don’t have someone else not to take to the doctor. No school trips, no school clothes, no PTAs, no bullies, no permission slips….. But deep down…well not so deep really… I’m far from lucky. I have no one to shield from the world. No one to teach how to be subversive. No one to love me unconditionally. No one to hold when they cry. No one to watch become an adult and hide from the world like I do. No one to care for me when I’m feeble and lost in my own kitchen.  In essence I have no one.

So no, I am not lucky. Far far from it actually…………… 😥

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What am I do to now?

OK, so what happens now?

“Her” mother died. So she is trying to lead me on a guilt trip for which I have no passport. I refuse to be the support she needs right now. There is just no freaking way I can do it. I told her that before she died and I’m sticking to it after. I may have a degree in Counseling, but I am no therapist and even if I were (1st) it would be unethical for me to treat her, (2nd)  isn’t that unfair of her to assume she could use me in such a manner and (3rd) “Nobody puts Baby in a corner.” {Oh wait, that’s from Dirty Dancing 😆 } I mean, and (3rd) nobody works for free, especially since they’ve removed overtime at work (but I’ll get to that in a moment). I tell people all the time, listen to me… listen to me. OK, so I may not know what I’m talking about, but I have a 50/50 chance of being right soooooooooo what’s the problem? 😉 I know the death came pretty suddenly, but the illness did not. She has been dying for a while now, and the whole time I’ve been saying “you need a support group”. I try not to be an “I told you so”, but jeez Louise…one just can’t assume I’ll forget any of that try to do it anyway. Nope. Not happening. She can take a flying leap as far as I’m concerned. There are people who are skilled in this area and I am most assuredly not one of them. Abuse them before I am forced to…….well this is the Internet, even I’m not that stupid. But just know I mean what I say. 😈

Now the overtime issue. This is a serious problem. 😯

I owe people money and while they are not the Mob kind of people, they may be the knee cap breaking kind of people. In essence, I do not wish to get on their bad side…if you know what I mean 🙄 . Here I am trying to be a responsible adult, accepting the consequences of my actions, and now this happens. It was the very first thing I was told when I walked in to work and of course, I prayed it was just a malicious rumor. Malicious rumors are the fodder of the cubicle world, but not this time. This time I checked my sources, and it was true.

All I can think about are those smug people who never have to work any overtime…just sitting around thinking “ha, that’s what you money hungry fools get!” I need to just go over and poke one of them with a sharp stick. 👿

 Whatever am I to do? I am I have already cut out all frivolous spending. I don’t go to Starbucks unless I really, really need it (like I have no idea how I got to work, need it). I stopped all services, magazine subscriptions, I don’t have a cell phone, I was already contemplating turning off my cable (that’s a definite now 😦 ), I was cutting off my fancy nails, I only buy grocery when it’s a dire need & even then only the barest of basics. I turn off everything in my house, I leave no random things plugged and now this! There is nothing else! Well I guess since Mama told me it;s best if I’m behind on my mortgage & bills before filing bankruptcy, we may just find out now. 😥

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I seek not your sympathy, just your understanding

Today as I struggled to wake up for yet another fabulous 12-hour day at work, it dawned on me…my life bites.

But wait, you say…”you already knew that, you say it all the time.” True, but for some reason it all hit me (again) today. Maybe it’s because I had to choose between buying hair dye (to cover my gray, haven’t dyed in forever) or buying oatmeal (ahh, the wondrous choices 🙄 ). Or maybe it was because I had to sleep on the sofa again where it’s cooler (which for some reason makes my knees swell). Or maybe it’s because a co-worker 10 years my junior, is about to go on a cruise and propose to his girlfriend and the only cruise I have ever known is the cruise control on my car.

Who knows. But what I can say is, “My life bites.” 😥

 

As I was walking in the building today I got to thinking about all my co-workers who are either on vacation or planning to take a vacation. For most of them it is a second or even a third trip this year, and my only trip was to sit beside a dying woman. I look in the mirror at my face (unbelievably, I am quite vain 😆 ), and I see the redness in my eyes, I see the how bad my skin has become, and I see the bags & dark circles under my eyes. I see my youth gone… you know, my Mother used to call me “bubbles” because she said my smile always made her feel happy. Sadly, I never saw what she did and still I know something is missing. I am always so extremely tired and honestly I see no end in sight.

Today one of the women whose opinion I value, told me how I need to take at least my off days and rest. I honestly thought I would cry (OK, so stress makes me a big ol’ sappy girl 😳 ). “I wish I could”, I told her, and I really do. I want to lay around my house among the dust bunnies and watch all the TV I never get to see anymore since I’m never there & I can no longer afford TiVo. 😦 I don’t want to be at work all the freaking time I want, nay, I need to have a life. It just isn’t my destiny.

Here’s a secret. I never completed my Master’s degree, so after much hesitation I decided to reapply. Well it turned out that I had actually waited too long so I had to file an appeal so that I could complete my thesis. I’ve never been good at these things but I filled out my form and mailed it in. Apparently I was supposed to walk it to each Dean and have them consider it and sign it. Know when I found this out? This morning. Know when it has to be completed by? Monday, registration is Wednesday. At first I was more than upset, here I was trying to do right and now this. But then I got to really thinking about it and the reality of it is that I couldn’t do it anyway. I mean the first time, there were two of us paying bills & I thought I would have a nervous break down trying to work on my thesis at the same time (and while we worked OT, it was never like I do now). Eventually my ex went to part-time while I worked OT, so she could work on her’s. But now it’s just me, so I got to thinking…there’s no way I can do this! I mean, when would I have time to do any research? So I decided to simply forgo it all. I mean it’s not like I’ll suddenly be able to get a better job here in this Call Center state.

Oh well…it is what it is! 😕

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It’s not the end, just another beginning

The end has finally come.

After being told she may have 2 months, “her” mother died last night after only a few days. I had been there the day before, but had returned home, so I was not there when she died. I am glad the end finally came, not for my own selfish (didn’t want her to move in with me) needs. But because I had actually sat beside her bed and listened to her “death rattle”, and let me say…there is no sound like it. I’m sure she felt no pain as she was on a Morphine drip…but to watch the family in pain as they watched this, was just too much. As is the way with death; there were far too many spectators, many harsh words, lots of arguments, and very little consoling.  The sisters were even telling each other not to cry as it would upset their father. WTF? Your mother…your only mother is laying there dying and you’re not even allowed to cry about it?  Oh, it was much madness, which I’m sure is far from over. The funeral is tomorrow and of course I cannot be there, I don’t like funerals…it takes a lot for me to go to one and I’m thinking there’s simply no way I could stand it, besides I have to work anyway.

I considered sending flowers, but as feel that’s a waste and actually pretty morbid (why send something that will die to the dead?), I decided I would actually help pay for the tattoo “she” wanted to remember her mother by. I think she’d rather have that anyway…well besides having her actual mother, of course.

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I never promised you a rose garden

So it begins.😯

“She” is preparing to move back in with me. It’s not what I want, but it’s what she needs. The doctors say her mother may have 2 months, but in reality it seems like it may be a lot less, so  she needs to be with her mother right now and this is the only way.  In order for her to take a leave of absence from work, she would need to have less expenses and paying rent would not be possible. Right now we have the issue of what to do with her things. My thought is storage, I may have to put her out again. But my mouth simply says, “I don’t know, maybe storage or FreeCyle.”  She just wants to give it all away.

I feel like I’m being trapped somewhere deeper than the standard 13th recess of hell. 👿

You what’s funny about this entire situation? My mother wants me to take a leave and come home for a while to just get away from all my stress and relax for a bit. Or better yet, she wants me to sell my house and leave Tennessee all together. She says I have nothing left here anymore, so why stay. Sadly I do agree, so I did laugh (in my head), but I cried on the phone (silently).  A leave of absence? Me? Me who is so afraid to take a vacation day because it would adversely affect my overtime. Sell my house, in this market? Ha! Dream on Mama, dream on. She says she can feel I’m in a deep amount of pain & loneliness (Mama, you have no idea 😦 ). She says, I need to enjoy life and try to stop and smell the roses…ironic since the roses in the front of my house are dying (I never have time to tend to them). I just stopped and watered my tree today for the first time in probably months.😳

I feel as though I’m going insane…..I can’t even focus to write today.😥

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Me thinks I see the wanton hours flee & as they pass, turn back & laugh at me

Timing is EVERYTHING!! Remember it…..own it….tattoo it on your body, because THAT is the gospel. I say this because now that I think on it, my timing has always been off. I hate being late for anything, I’d rather be way too early than a minute late. But obviously, this matters not.  Because I always seem to catch life altering events at the wrong time.

When I met my 1st ex, we were in high school. We stayed together a breath under 10 years and in all that time all I knew was her and her promises. Well as these things go, she graduated college, and now I was no longer good enough. Her promises, vows, oaths…meant nothing. She went on to leave the state, buy a house and move to the coast and I’m sure make more money than she knows what to do with (she was never good with money). And I haven’t heard from her since.

My 2nd ex and I have been through a lot together; unemployment, moves, schools, familial changes, and we too had been together a breath under 10 years. And well she too graduated (Master’s degree) and now “we’re no longer the compatible”. She now drives a new car, takes trips, and (get this) has a savings account, and I can’t even save money to buy stamps (and no, I am not being dramatic).  She’s going on with her life without me, kind of like I was never there. We used to talk about everything except what was most important…us. And now she will no longer talk to me like we used to.

Then there’s “her”. All I hear about is her old house here & her old house there. The vacations she has taken, the things she’s seen, the money she used to have for this & that. All her professional friends and their fabulous lives. Blah blah blah.  I have to hear all about the fantastic job she used to have, like I really care. Now her mother is dying and I have to be the strong one. I’m dealing with a lot of stress of my own and I am truly in need of someone to turn to. I have no one and now I have to be the rock for her. I have to be there because her need is stronger, like I even have room for one more issue. I’m even letting her move back in with me, because she needs to be with her mother right now and I’m trying to be a good person (I need all the good karma I can get). And with “her”, there is no talking at all.

I’ll keep the potential ulcers I’m already restarting to myself. I won’t talk about the headaches, the hives, the abdominal bleeding…….I’ll just go on as I always do…praying for an end to the suffering.:cry:

http://www.last.fm/music/U2/_/I+Still+Haven%27t+Found+What+I%27m+Looking+For

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Why………

Some could say, “Why ask why?” But these days that is my only question. I try not to ask “why me?” , because I know everyone cannot be perfect…some of us are in fact here to suffer something. There are things we must go through to learn whatever it is we must know, but I still wonder “why”.

Why am I alone? Is it because I ask too much? Do I want more than I deserve? I am willing to provide for someone all that I ask of them and nothing more or less. I don’t ask for extravagance nor do I ask for any sort of rise in status. I am no longer seeking a “knight in shining armor to rescue me”, these are the whims of children and the Manic 🙄 . I know that if I expect someone to work hard, I must as well.

Gone are the days where I dreamt of a life as a housewife (yes, yes I know not the Feminist thing to say)…you know like in “Little Shop of Horrors” where Audrey wanted the house just like in Better Homes & Gardens?  Well I wanted one too….but I don’t any longer. Mostly because I no longer dream & hope for such silly things. OK so I no longer dream & hope for anything.

When I was a teenager, my Mother used always tell me she didn’t want me to get a job like all my other friends. She told me I would always be taken care of and supported. I knew it was because she had always worked, always supported herself, and never had the chance to enjoy life. She wanted better for me, she wanted me to be spoiled, loved, adored. As I grew up I learned quickly my Mother was insane. I know me better than anyone ever could and I knew no one would ever come along to do these things, no matter how much I wanted to believe in her pipe dreams. I used to resent that she never taught me how to me my own woman, never taught me how to face the world and demand what I wanted, never taught me to be “that woman”. But now I know, she did what she thought was best. She meant no harm, she just didn’t want me to become her, always working and never stopping…never having someone in my life who would worship me and cherish me…never wanted me to be alone. But like all extremes, no matter which way you push them they will also have to swing back with the same force. So I am just like her and I know it kills her to know that. Hell, it kills me too.

I think of all her husbands and how they went on to do more, become better men because of her. And it reminds of all my exes, and they too have become better without me. Yet here I am, wondering how to make it from day to day.

Wait, what was my point with today’s post? I have forgotten, my brain is starting to drown in my tears again. Never mind. 😦

http://www.last.fm/music/Annie+Lennox/_/Why

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There, but by the grace of God, go I…

Originally I started writing today’s blog about my newly discovered flaws, of which granted I have many…but apparently I have some I was not aware of. But I realized (yet another) error on my part, so I will not speak of such things today. 😦

Instead I will focus on those things which stop me from sleeping…my debts. I do my best to not complain to others about them. I’m an adult and I have made my choices good or bad (a lot of bad), so the way I see it these are my responsibilities and I must face them. Does that make me feel any better? Does it comfort me when my chest hurts and my stomach burns and the hives start? NO! No, it does not. 😦

I read article after article about bankruptcy and debt consolidation and personally I feel like I am more lost & confused than I am broke, and let me say I AM beyond broke, so that is saying a lot. Filing bankruptcy is most assuredly not what I want to do…odd for me the Goddess of Acquiescence. But I value my credit rating, most people have some form of credit issue and while mine is definitely not A+, I like to think of it as pretty decent. 😐 If I file then I am saying, “hey you were right, I can’t afford to have a house. And yes, they should restart debtors prison just for people like me who care not for the consequences of their lack of actions.” These are not the ways that I think though. I give in when it’s not worth trying or when whatever I am fighting for doesn’t wish to be had by me. So in this, I go on working…I’m now trying to see how many consecutive days I can work before someone has to die. 😐 (We’re now on day 10. 😦 ) It may not seem hard, but when you think of it as 9 of those were 12 hour days in a Customer Service position, you then realize it becomes important to to able to Google “How to make a shank out of your own keyboard”.

The other night I was listening to a call-in talk show on the radio and this guy was talking about taking care of his mother. He’s only 18 and works 2 jobs to help support his mother. According to him, she works (the same place as one of his jobs), but has had a hard life and a few divorces, the last of which caused her to have to leave her last job. Supposedly at this last job she made quite a bit of money according to the son which was $X per hour. As if I needed any more of a reminder of just how bad my life sucks….I had to hear this! I make more than she did and I eat peanut butter (I really do not like peanut butter). I lay in bed sweating because I can’t afford to cool my house (I live in the oven of the country…the south). I eat almost anything that someone offers me, because I can’t afford to buy grocery. I do try to remember to take my meds everyday, but if I forget 😉 I don’t rush to take them…they cost too much. The only thing I have, which I actually enjoy is my Hoop class (I registered for it in a fit of Mania), and of course I cannot afford to take the second part of the class. Hell I am even being forced to try and sell my Wii (a combo fit of Christmas/Birthday Mania & S.A.D), because I need the money. And now this freaking sad radio caller is making me cry because my life should be so much better and I am powerless to do anything about it.

God Bless America….I suck.

http://www.last.fm/music/Lyfe+Jennings/_/Must+Be+Nice

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This is what I need to say………

Say What You Need To Say

by John Mayer

Take all of your wasted honor.
Every little past frustration.
Take all of your so called problems,
Better put ’em in quotations.

Say what you need to say

Walkin’ like a one man army,
Fightin’ with the shadows in your head.
Livin’ up the same old moment
Knowin’ you’d be better off instead

If you could only…Say what you need to say

Have no fear for givin’ in.
Have no fear for giving over.
You better know that in the end
It’s better to say too much, than never to say what you need to say again.

Even if your hands are shaking,
And your faith is broken.
Even as the eyes are closin’,
Do it with a heart wide open.

Say what you need to say

Say what you need to, Say what you need to…

Say what you need to say.

 

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I am what I am…….

I was never one to think of myself as unique. I’m just as “different” as every other sheep out there. I know there is nothing special about me, I struggle, I hate, I hope, I manage…just like every one else. But you know, people have never really made an effort to understand me. Now granted people and the things they do/say baffle me every day but part of my desire to be a Psychologist was to study the human emotion/mind.  I wanted to not necessarily “fix” people like so many others try to do. I just wanted others to have someone to whom they could turn to who truly understood their plight…no matter how unlike my own it may be. But in all my years no one has ever tried to know what my plight really was.

I know life is no fairy tale…it’s not like it is on TV (unless you only watch CNN, in which case it is). I only ever wanted to be wanted.  Do you have any idea of what it’s like to have your own mother tell you (from the time I was little) how she never wanted me. To have her tell me I ruined her dreams of becoming a nurse. To have her tell me that my grandparents were constantly telling her to give me up for adoption. Do you know what it’s like to have your own father not only chose your little brother over you, but go so far as to steal him in the night and your mother use you as a trade to get him back? Chances are you don’t…I’m sure you know your own brand of pain.

But all of this just set the scene for the years of neglect that would proceed. Now absolutely no one wants to be bothered with me. I have no friends, even my ex would rather spend her time emailing others & playing Internet games. So personally I’m thinking if I just could disappear the only one who would notice would be … well actually I can’t think of anyone. 😦

Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying any of this for any form of sympathy….it just is what it is.

I know who and what I amand I know that my life experiences are what shaped me into the person I have become…….. and that person, my friends (?) sucks.

http://www.last.fm/music/Melody+Gardot/_/Worrisome+Heart

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Scarlet was wrong, tomorrow is NOT another day…it’s all the same

Today my mother called me, twice. She just felt that something was wrong and wanted to know what was going on. How could I tell her that my only thought is dying? How could I tell her that all the hope she has pinned to me, will never be fruitful? How can I tell my mother that her oldest child is so desperate that she envies people killed in random incidents…..not for the fame, but for the end of her suffering? (why am I writing in the 3rd person? oh well…)

I can’t…so I didn’t. I told her as I always do, “I’m making it…nothing to report, nothing else to say”. After she hung up the first time I cried so much I couldn’t breathe, coughing blood, you know the whole nine……then she called again. She made me promise her I’d be OK, wouldn’t “do anything”. We both knew what she meant even though the words were never said. She told me I don’t have to carry my burdens alone, she’s here for me. But how can I place my troubles on her? Yeah, she’s my mother but she has her own problems…she has my unless brother constantly worrying her, stressing her, using her…I could never add to that. My burdens are mine alone, I am getting exactly what I deserve.

 She still asks, “why won’t (my ex) come back?” Oddly, she never asked why she left in the first place. I would love yo say,”Mama, I think she thinks I’m too good for her…she wants me to happy and she felt she was holding me back.” Ha, that’s pretty funny… someone saying I’m too good for them (I’d laugh aloud, if it weren’t for the tears). Truth be told it’s more like, “Mama, I have no idea…I guess her resentment is stronger than I can fathom.” Of course after the last call, all I could do was sob for hours. Not just because of my situation, but because of course I feel selfish for even being upset when so many people go without even the basic necessities of life, and mostly because I see my mother’s life mirrored in my own more and more everyday.  😐

I remember a time when all my mother did was work (3rd shift no less), and her only outlet…alcohol, just like mine. Now granted she drank heavier and more ofter than I can even afford, but in what I do drink (coolers), for my system… I drink a lot of them. {And no I don’t recycle all that glass…fuck it!) Of course as all parents do, she wanted a better life for me….but well…that is not to be which is further proof I could never tell her. I’m even seriously considering starting to work 7 days a week (I’ll have no choice soon…might as well start  preparing myself now). 😦

Today someone said to me, “you know…when I see you (which is rare) it brightens my day. But I’ve noticed you don’t smile like you used to, can I help?” I guess for a better person, they would have felt good in that, but all I could think about was that even in that slight gesture of not smiling anymore, I was letting someone else down and my pain was getting harder to hide. They asked, “do you not have anything positive in your life to make you smile?” Me being me, I was honest, “no”, I said and then “she” got all bent out of shape.. guess I was supposed to say “her”. I tried to explain to “her”, when the negative over shadows your life, a few positive aspects are not enough. Of course this did not bode well with “her”, but well she’s a simpleton who thinks love will conquer all. Hell if that were true, I wouldn’t be in the situation I’m in now. Every woman I’ve been in a relationship with who promised to take care of me & love me no matter what, would still be doing so.

Just like Scarlet, they all lied…maybe I should switch sides…find a man….at least I expect them to lie.

On second thought…..that is worse than death…never mind. 😯

http://www.last.fm/music/India.Arie/_/Ready+for+Love

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These bags (under my eyes), don’t mean I’m vacationing

I face life everyday with the feeling that it is truly pointless. No little kid dreams of  being a failure and yet some of us still turn out that way.

I know a woman who spent years trapped in a cocoon she created to protect herself from harm. She walled herself up in layers of flesh and used food to save herself from rejection and pain. However as these things go, she realized just how lonely she had become so she resolved to change. She had gastric bypass in the hopes she would be more appealing and eventually she married the first man to ask. And I honestly believe she felt she would then be happy…….she is not. Since marriage; she has filed bankruptcy, moved away from her elderly parents with whom she is close, worked copious amounts of overtime and while she still smiles…you can see the pain in her eyes. All of this so she would not be alone.

Well I say all of that to say that I was married, financially stable (?), went to the movies, went out to eat, left town a time or two…hell I could actually buy grocery then. But I was married to someone who would not touch me…I’m still not sure which of us was the issue, but my “perfect relationship” lacked intimacy.  It was because of this, “she” managed to intercept our tight circle. But now here I am……as lonely as one can possibly be and still have a heartbeat. All because I wanted to have someone touch me, kiss me, hug, me…love me.

Now I’m facing the idea of bankruptcy, I work so much most of the time I have no idea where I even am. I cry now more than I ever have before. Hell just thinking about it, is making me teary. I try to remain strong, I try not to show just how broken I am…I mean I have no right to….I still have it better than so many others. I try to steel my resolve…but whenever someone touches me in passing, I feel as though I will crumble to the floor. I tried to talk to my mother about it today, well without actually saying anything, I’d hoped she could hear it in me…she did not. I guess that’s good, I can’t burden her with my problems. They are mine and mine alone to shoulder. She raised two children with a lot less………who am I to complain? Hell, it’s not even been a year yet and if I already feel like this how can I make it?

 

“You are so sweet”, “such a nice person”, “so loving and giving”…and yet obviously not because if this was all so true….why did I grow up to be a failure? 😦

 

http://www.last.fm/music/John+Legend/_/Stay+With+You

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