I know I have written of heart aches and sorrows, but this…this is a little different pain I am feeling.
At the start of the New Year I resolved to not make any fucking resolutions. Why? Because I feel that one is one setting themselves up for disappointment. You have 364 (365 during a leap year) other days of the year to make a “fresh” start. Why wait until “the world” is watching you…waiting for your impending failure. This madness makes no sense to me.
But as we know, in spite of all my “High and Mightyness” 😕 I am a hypocrite. So, without ever telling anyone I resolved to try to do better in all aspects of my miserable life. See, since obviously I am doomed to continue to wake up each day I decided to focus on a goal I have. At my 40th birthday I want to do a suspension, so I decided to focus on losing weight. I even joined Weight Watchers, which to me is the most evil thing one could ever do. A bunch of (generally) older fat women sitting around trying to lose enough weight so as not to be placed in a Senior Living facility when they become a burden on their families. And of course there’s the ever so perky Group Leader, who acts like the Program is the Holy Grail or something. I loathe it, but I figured if I was going to hate something I should have some actual info on it….so join I did. I began on the first day of the first snow we had, somehow in retrospect I’m thinking this was an omen. 😕
Nonetheless, I tried as hard as I could. I followed the program and I exercised each & every day (I even went to the gym on my off days). Well they say in the first week is when you lose your largest amount. Know what happened to me? Yep, I gained weight. All that damn eating all day and I actually gained weight. Oh I was beyond reproach, I simply could not understand. Why was I putting myself through this? What was the mother fucking point? I could have done nothing and not gained anything, but instead I had paid some strange-looking woman $100 so I could add on .4 pounds. I know what your thinking…. all this angst for less than half a pound..WTF!!! Please dear reader try to see my point here. I had to pay money (something I am no longer in a position to do) to gain weight. I had to buy groceries (something I am no longer comfortable doing), to gain weight. Fuck, I was already fat. I did not need to do all this just to get fatter.
But I digress…….
I kept going, kept eating all these diet meals and drinking water. Somewhere in there I lost (hell I have forgotten now) 4 pounds {I think}….but here’s where the story takes a drastic turn for the worse.
You know how you have the “feeling” that something is amiss, well I was having this with a vengeance. And I knew it had to be dental, so I call…and I call…and I call. I sit on hold for days (no, not consecutively). Eventually (and I warn you, NEVER do this), I figured I was wrong…so I stopped calling. So I’m minding my own business one day, eating a diet meal and yes…I do break a tooth. And just so you know, I also swallow said tooth.
Now, let’s pause for a moment.
Swallow…. Tooth…. Fucks with you doesn’t it? Yeah me to. 😳
Now I don’t have many teeth, sadly many factors have contributed to this, but as an adult I have “tried” to save what I have, so to have this happen…well it’s a MAJOR blow to my fragile psyche. Well of course I am essentially without a pot to piss in, so off to go work I go at every opportunity I can. This is where I literally go from the frying pan into the fire. 😥
It’s my off day, they call me to work. So off I go. Did I mention it’s snowing. This is The South!! How many snows do we need? Whatever, I’m driving slow…which is killing me, but I am worried about the weather. Well to make a short story, shorter….CRASH!!!! 👿 I hit someone. His truck? Not a scratch. My beloved car? TOTALLED!! Now for some people this is not a cause for concern. As long as you have insurance all is well. I do and it’s not. Lest we forget from previous posts, but I am in bankruptcy so how am I to purchase a bus token (do buses even use these anymore?) let alone a car? I have no money, no hope, nowhere to turn and my only option is “out” (but there’s that damn promise I made), so I am option-less. 😥
I mean really, I have no idea what to do. I call my loving Mother and of course she rushes to my side to help soothe my distress, comfort my spinning head and helps me in the greatest way I need… financially.
Ok! Now that you’ve stopped rolling on the floor laughing :lol:, let’s get back to how it actually went down. Once she had learned I was not injured, she pretty much told me that I had brought it on myself by “giving my own blessings away”. Apparently when you see someone who has less than you and you try to help them, you are misusing what you have been given. Hey these are her words, not mine. According to her, I should not be going without so that others may have. Now granted I am not starving to death, but if I decide to not buy groceries so some elderly people can eat, I see no harm. But apparently I don’t know anything. She continued with she “would never do anything to help married people because that’s why they have each other… lean to on”. Yes I did fail to remind her that she all but breast feeds my brother (his wife & 7 kids), mostly because I didn’t want to know that she probably does. 😯 So I just left it alone, somethings are best left for another time, not when your driving and sobbing in a snow storm on the way to work in a rental car. As usual, all I could do was nod (like she could see me) and mumble something about how I understand what she’s saying.
Meanwhile back at the ranch… 🙄
My fabulous life gets better and better. Since I am without money, pride, self-respect and at this point general clear headedness… I find that I am unable to stop two people from loaning me money. Now I subscribe to the saying “Neither a lender or a borrower be.” So for me to accept anything from anyone disturbs in me in a way that if a naked fat man was rubbing his testicles on me, I wouldn’t even notice… that’s just how our of sorts I already am.
So where am I supposed to find/beg/steal a car from? Who is going to “allow” me to have a car in my “condition”? I see the commercials, “If you have a job and X dollars, we’ll sell you a car.” But really, at what motherfucking costs? Everything has a price and if you’re desperate enough I guess you’ll give them a vital organ if they’ll take it, but damn!! I already promised any usable organs to anyone who helps me in any way, so what am I supposed to give them? 😥 The insurance company had to give my check to the Trustee, who in turn pretty much told me to go to hell and enjoy the walk there.
So here I am having no idea what to do so I turn to “her”. Which of course is all she wanted to hear. This puts her in the position to “save me”, which as we all know from previous posts isn’t going to work at all. Her plan is to stay with me and drive me to & fro, which puts me in the all important “dependent” status. This does not bode well for any hope I may have had for sanity, nor (unbeknownst to her) her safety as we all know how I feel about her. 😈
Ok, so here we are the day I am to return the rental car (limited time since they totalled out my car) and it’s also the day I am to go to dentist. Me… all too tired to even think (working as much as the law will allow, as usual) let alone remember that I never called to check on the costs of the aforementioned rental car, when they call me. I’m laying prostrate in the dental chair so of course I cannot answer. However, many x-rays later I am able to return their call. Now here is where I want you dear reader to know that I smiled for the first time in well…. a long time. They told me that yes I was to return the car, but that if I decided to keep it they would only charge me what they charged the insurance company. Is this standard? I do not know, nor do I care. 😛 This gives me something back…my independence, which as you know “she” was not happy about. Which of course was the cherry on top of my “fuck you, get out of my house sundae.” 
So, while yes I do still owe people tons of money and yes I am still without any prospect of a car at least I know when the nervous breakdown hits (and oh it will), I can make one last drive to the liquor store before I move under the bridge. As long it’s before Friday.
So there!!! 😥
~*~ Arsenic & Apathy *~* 