I haven’t been writing for many reasons, but mostly because the people I care about, no longer wish to hear me whine (and yes, in so many words…they said so). So I funneled my pain into poetry (for better or worse). 😥 I used to fancy myself a budding poet, but the meds took my creativity away…my pain, however, was too deep and bleed through the pills, so I wrote. 😳
Well anyway some things are different now…so again I post. 😐
“She” is gone. No not again…but for the last time. Things are different now….now I am afraid, so she will never return. Why, you may wonder? 😕
I shall explain.
If you recall from previous posts (assuming you have read them), you recall “the engineer”. Well when things went south and strange people started to show up at my door I was “shaken”, not so much afraid as I was worried. 😯 I turned to the only person I felt could relieve me of my apprehension (?)…”him”. He knew these people, he could stop them. Boy, was I wrong. Nonetheless they went away. 😡
Then when I became afraid of him, I thought my ex would help me. But again, I was assuming and we all know what happens there. Well she never asked me what happened, but “she” did. So I placed my trust in “her” to protect me from him should I need it. 🙄
But who would save me from “her”? Honestly I never thought I would need it….but like Life Insurance, you never do until it’s too late. Well in the time I have known “her” there have been numerous times I thought, “Man you are insane!” But it never crossed my mind that one day I would become one of the women she spoke of who “hit the floor, when they saw her truck pass by”. Now I kind of am. 😦
No, she hasn’t “done” anything to warrant this. Other than constantly use my worse fears and severe low self-esteem to foster me constantly taking her back, then emotionally abusing me to the point I feel my vital essences seeping out my ears like earthworms after a fresh rain. 😕 But now, based on a variety of seemingly off-handed things she has said, I have become paranoid. Yesterday morning, I had to go home alone after she was supposed to have taken her things and left. Alone. 😮 I say this again because it’s important. I had no idea of the state of my home when I arrived. I had no idea if she would still be there or not. Based on things she said, I had every thought that she would be there, just not “there” (if you see where I’m going). I fully expected to walk into a “war zone”. I asked my ex to go with me, but then I thought about it. I felt bad for expecting her to be there for me, so I told her never mind…I would go alone. I guess I just wanted her to “want” to be there for me. I wanted her to see that if I asked…obviously I was afraid. 😯
Of course, she didn’t…so I went alone. Yes, I was terrified, but it was then I knew without a doubt that I can only count on myself (just like I always said, but never wanted to accept). So after shakingly {yes, a new word…feel free to use it 😀 } buying new locks I made it home, and much to my surprise everything was intact and she was completely gone. I then changed the locks on my house and after working briefly, I spent all last night constantly checking & re-checking every door and window making sure they were locked. Yes I do have an alarm…not the point at all. 😦
Fear is a powerful entity and her nails dig deep… 👿 … but she is all I have now. 😥
~*~ Arsenic & Apathy *~* 