A long story made unnecessarily long (and probably boring to boot)……….

I know I have written of heart aches and sorrows, but this…this is a little different pain I am feeling.

At the start of the New Year I resolved to not make any fucking resolutions. Why? Because I feel that one is one setting themselves up for disappointment. You have 364 (365 during a leap year) other days of the year to make a “fresh” start. Why wait until “the world” is watching you…waiting for your impending failure.  This madness makes no sense to me.

But as we know, in spite of all my “High and Mightyness” 😕 I am a hypocrite. So, without ever telling anyone I resolved to try to do better in all aspects of my miserable life.  See, since obviously I am doomed to continue to wake up each day I decided to focus on a goal I have. At my 40th birthday I want to do a suspension, so I decided to focus on losing weight. I even joined Weight Watchers, which to me is the most evil thing one could ever do. A bunch of (generally) older fat women sitting around trying to lose enough weight so as not to be placed in a Senior Living facility when they become a burden on their families.  And of course there’s the ever so perky Group Leader, who acts like the Program is the Holy Grail or something. I loathe it, but I figured if I was going to hate something I should have some actual info on it….so join I did. I began on the first day of the first snow we had, somehow in retrospect I’m thinking this was an omen. 😕

Nonetheless, I tried as hard as I could. I followed the program and I exercised each & every day (I even went to the gym on my off days). Well they say in the first week is when you lose your largest amount. Know what happened to me? Yep, I gained weight. All that damn eating all day and I actually gained weight. Oh I was beyond reproach, I simply could not understand. Why was I putting myself through this? What was the mother fucking point? I could have done nothing and not gained anything, but instead I had paid some strange-looking woman $100 so I could add on .4 pounds.  I know what your thinking…. all this angst for less than half a pound..WTF!!!  Please dear reader try to see my point here. I had to pay money (something I am no longer in a position to do) to gain weight. I had to buy groceries (something I am no longer comfortable doing), to gain weight. Fuck, I was already fat. I did not need to do all this just to get fatter.

But I digress…….

I kept going, kept eating all these diet meals and drinking water. Somewhere in there I lost (hell I have forgotten now) 4 pounds {I think}….but here’s where the story takes a drastic turn for the worse.

You know how you have the “feeling” that something is amiss, well I was having this with a vengeance. And I knew it had to be dental, so I call…and I call…and I call. I sit on hold for days (no, not consecutively).  Eventually (and I warn you, NEVER do this), I figured I was wrong…so I stopped calling. So I’m minding my own business one day, eating a diet meal and yes…I do break a tooth. And just so you know, I also swallow said tooth.

Now, let’s pause for a moment.

Swallow….     Tooth….   Fucks with you doesn’t it? Yeah me to. 😳

Now I don’t have many teeth, sadly many factors have contributed to this, but as an adult I have “tried” to save what I have, so to have this happen…well it’s a MAJOR blow to my fragile psyche. Well of course I am essentially without a pot to piss in, so off to go work I go at every opportunity I can. This is where I literally go from the frying pan into the fire. 😥

It’s my off day, they call me to work. So off I go. Did I mention it’s snowing. This is The South!! How many snows do we need? Whatever, I’m driving slow…which is killing me, but I am worried about the weather.  Well to make a short story, shorter….CRASH!!!! 👿 I hit someone. His truck? Not a scratch. My beloved car? TOTALLED!! Now for some people this is not a cause for concern. As long as you have insurance all is well. I do and it’s not. Lest we forget from previous posts, but I am in bankruptcy so how am I to purchase a bus token (do buses even use these anymore?) let alone a car? I have no money, no hope, nowhere to turn and my only option is “out” (but there’s that damn promise I made), so I am option-less. 😥

I mean really, I have no idea what to do. I call my loving Mother and of course she rushes to my side to help soothe my distress, comfort my spinning head and helps me in the greatest way I need… financially. 

Ok! Now that you’ve stopped rolling on the floor laughing :lol:, let’s get back to how it actually went down. Once she had learned I was not injured, she pretty much told me that I had brought it on myself by “giving my own blessings away”. Apparently when you see someone who has less than you and you try to help them, you are misusing what you have been given. Hey these are her words, not mine.  According to her, I should not be going without so that others may have. Now granted I am not starving to death, but if I decide to not buy groceries so some elderly people can eat, I see no harm. But apparently I don’t know anything. She continued with she “would never do anything to help married people because that’s why they have each other… lean to on”. Yes I did fail to remind her that she all but breast feeds my brother (his wife & 7 kids), mostly because I didn’t want to know that she probably does. 😯 So I just left it alone, somethings are best left for another time, not when your driving and sobbing in a snow storm on the way to work in a rental car. As usual, all I could do was nod (like she could see me) and mumble something about how I understand what she’s saying.

Meanwhile back at the ranch… 🙄

My fabulous life gets better and better. Since I am without money, pride, self-respect and at this point general clear headedness… I find that I am unable to stop two people from loaning me money. Now I subscribe to the saying “Neither a lender or a borrower be.” So for me to accept anything from anyone disturbs in me in a way that if a naked fat man was rubbing his testicles on me, I wouldn’t even notice… that’s just how our of sorts I already am. 

So where am I supposed to find/beg/steal a car from? Who is going to “allow” me to have a car in my “condition”? I see the commercials, “If you have a job and X dollars, we’ll sell you a car.” But really, at what motherfucking costs? Everything has a price and if you’re desperate enough I guess you’ll give them a vital organ if they’ll take it, but damn!! I already promised any usable organs to anyone who helps me in any way, so what am I supposed to give them? 😥 The insurance company had to give my check to the Trustee, who in turn pretty much told me to go to hell and enjoy the walk there. 

So here I am having no idea what to do so I turn to “her”. Which of course is all she wanted to hear. This puts her in the position to “save me”, which as we all know from previous posts isn’t going to work at all. Her plan is to stay with me and drive me to & fro, which puts me in the all important “dependent” status. This does not bode well for any hope I may have had for sanity, nor (unbeknownst to her) her safety as we all know how I feel about her. 😈 

Ok, so here we are the day I am to return the rental car (limited time since they totalled out my car) and it’s also the day I am to go to dentist. Me… all too tired to even think (working as much as the law will allow, as usual) let alone remember that I never called to check on the costs of the aforementioned rental car, when they call me. I’m laying prostrate in the dental chair so of course I cannot answer. However, many x-rays later I am able to return their call. Now here is where I want you dear reader to know that I smiled for the first time in well…. a long time. They told me that yes I was to return the car, but that if I decided to keep it they would only charge me what they charged the insurance company. Is this standard? I do not know, nor do I care. 😛 This gives me something back…my independence, which as you know “she” was not happy about. Which of course was the cherry on top of my “fuck you, get out of my house sundae.”

So, while yes I do still owe people tons of money and yes I am still without any prospect of a car at least I know when the nervous breakdown hits (and oh it will), I can make one last drive to the liquor store before I move under the bridge. As long it’s before Friday.

So there!!! 😥

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But I’m A Repulicrat…Damn It! Where’s MY bailout?

Today I peered into the mouth of the Beast…and it was not good. Not good at all. 😈

Remember those housewives of the fifties? They were stoic, with impeccable taste they held their perfectly coifed heads high. Their lipstick was never smudged as they made a family each and every day as perfect as the day before. If you remember them, then you also knew they were a as real as their tinsel Christmas trees in their Ranch style homes with the station wagon in the driveway. They smiled to the world while they took all sorts of barbiturates behind closed doors. Their husbands drank and had mistresses and their children were budding anarchists and killers in the making. In essence, these women did what they thought they had to. 😦

I was to do the same. 😥

I am a reader, of people and of words … and neither one very well. I knew bankruptcy was my only option but as I was still fighting the inevitable I tried one last stand. After reading many stories of people in similar situations and speaking with those who had experience where I had only questions…I came to a decision. I would attempt to impart unto “her” that we were long past what I wanted in a relationship. We had reached what I needed in a relationship…and what I needed was money. 😡

I had resided myself to do what I had to do to survive. I knew that meant giving up who and what I was, to become who and what I needed to be. I was going to have to become as those fifties housewives….amiable to her whims and ignorant of my own. I was going to have to learn to accept my fate, such as it is and deal with whatever madness she threw at me. I had to…my livelihood…my house was is at stake. 😯

I gathered up my reserves and asked her to move in with me. I explained my financial status and why I had waited so long. She knew I was not the type to arbitrarily ask for help, so if I asked I was long past needing it. Well as is with such things, she was willing but she had just signed her new lease after much delay. Here I was trying to save myself and ask for someone to throw me a rope and apparently all the ropes had been burned up in a fire. 👿

Oh well, it won’t be so bad, right? 😳

I mean when they come to take my house I can always move in with my Mother. Plenty of forty year olds live with their parents, right? There is no shame in that. What a joyous day that will be? Hooray, maybe we could get Food Stamps too. 😕

http://www.last.fm/music/Nina+Simone/_/I+Wish+I+Knew+How+It+Would+Feel+to+Be+Free

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Irony

I always said I would never fight for anyone,

Never force anyone to stay with me if they wanted to go.

I think people thought I was unfeeling,

That I never loved them, but this wasn’t so.

 

I just wanted to be the one they fought for

I just wanted to be the one they would never forsake

No one ever fought for me however,

I guess they just thought loving me was their mistake.

 

To this day I have many regrets

Me, who said I would never have any.

There was one great love I should have fought for

She was the only one of whom love, I will always have plenty.

 

Each time I see her my heart breaks a little more

When she speaks to me I try to memorize her every word.

I know she is gone from me forever,

Nothing can ever fill this void caused by pain’s sword.

 

All I have now are memories

Of  a love that can no longer be.

All I have are scars from the fight I never fought

Oh, what irony.

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One day someone will listen…just not to me, for as I have nothing else to say.

There are few people in the world that I really love enough to like. Trust me, I could count them on one hand. I’m just one of those kind of people. You know how people go around saying “this person” is my friend and “that person” is my friend? I don’t even do that… never have. Friends have always been closer to me than family, so I do not take them lightly. Just because you know my name and I may speak, doesn’t make us friends. Friends are people I would give both kidneys to without hesitation. Well today a woman whose opinion of things I value…one of my friends, told me that I should try to make it work with “her”.

For a millisecond I was stunned…what the hell? How could she say that? Why would she say that? 😕

 

Then like the rains during Ike………I was flooded.

I guess a brick wall did have to fall on me, but suddenly I understood exactly what she was saying.  😦

 

I speak about whining and my utter hatred of it, but that’s all I do. I hate, despise, loathe, and pity “her”…. but I do nothing about it. My lack of a spine and powerlessness has led to complacency and I guess just plain ol’ whining.

I guess she had reached her limit. I guess she could take no more of it… wanted to hear no more of my drama… no more of the insanity. I realized this because of the way she kept going on about “obviously there’s something there”. She said she had been really thinking about this all day. And then I realized that I had done the one thing I never in a trillion years wanted….I had burdened someone else with my problems.

 

Funny thing is I always say “I hate drama”, but apparently without it all I have is work…and they are working on taking that away from me.  I guess in that I am again just like my Mama. She always says she has to have drama “otherwise it’s no longer exciting”. I find no excitement… but whatever, as I’ve said before nothing matters anyway. So this in fact my last post, dear reader. I never wanted to be a problem for anyone, I just needed someone to listen to me for a change.

 

But oh well guess I’ll go back to doing what I used to……

What?

Trust me, even that doesn’t matter.

 

http://www.last.fm/music/George+Michael/_/You+Have+Been+Loved

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House for sale…fully furnished, must take whining ghost as well….cheap!

OK, yes I am still posting. If they come get me, then at I’ll finally have someone to talk too. 😛

Yesterday, several things came to me…

• I can’t complain that no one ever calls me if I never call anyone.
• People suck.
• Once a blood thirsty leech…always a blood thirsty leech and said leech will feed even without blood.

I needed someone to talk to so I called “her”. I tried to sound caring, concerned, interested in her well being. Do you know what she said to me? “Why are you being nice to me all of a sudden?” I would have punched a hole in the wall, if it wouldn’t have just cost me money I don’t have. WTF?! So fine. No more calling her. 👿

Then I call my ex. Not much better. She too sounded annoyed that I called. She too, was quick to get off the phone, so no more calling her either. 😥

Then “she” tells me her lease is up. “Is there any reason she shouldn’t renew?” WTF! Why even ask such a stupid question? In the year since I put her out, nothing is any different. I’m still the one she blames for her miserable existence and no matter how nice I try to be it’s never right. She will always find a way to ruin it.  😡

Now here’s the worse part. I have a friend who lives alone 😦 , I live alone 😥 , “she” lives alone 😈 , my ex lives alone 🙄 . Yet none of us can live together. 😳

So of course “she” wants to live with me again. Do I dare? 😯

Honestly I’m not sure. I mean have given up life really…so I guess I view it as a “push”. I’m miserable with her and I’m miserable alone. So either way I’m dying. The only good thing is if I let her move in…my ex won’t have to worry about me leaning to her. 😕  She deserves a stable person anyway…guess that’s why she doesn’t talk to me.

Wonder if it’s like dog hearing? She can’t even hear me anymore. 😐

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I wish I knew how to quit you…….

Yesterday Two days ago while sitting on the table, wearing my paper attire at the Gynecologist’s office…..it all dawned on me. I truly am a mean, control freak. 😡

It started when I looked at her toes. I used to say that a woman should never go out with unpolished toes, I tried to keep hers polished. But now they were naked. It was my Mama that told her 11 years ago to cut her hair and it was me that told her not to do dreads. But now she has dreads and they are approaching shoulder length. In the beginning she wore no jewelry, then I gave her all this stuff, now she’s back to not wearing any. So it suddenly dawned on me, I created in her what I wanted, not necessarily who is wanted to become. I never wanted to change her, I just wanted to give her confidence in herself. Guess I just pushed her. Maybe she was never happy with me and would have sacrificed her soul to be shed of me. 😦

 

As I was sitting there sweating (it was sweltering in there), with my ex next to me (same appt. date), not a word was being said. I realized that after almost 11 years together she no longer has anything to say to me. 😐

 Why didn’t I say anything? 😕

What could I say? “My life sucks more everyday, I’m thinking about ending it all…please come back.”I knew that wasn’t happening, besides that would never be fair to her. I couldn’t stop my eyes from tearing up as I wondered where it all went. We used to talk so much about so many things but now I feel forced to remain quite for fear of saying just what I’m thinking and since she doesn’t say anything…it only fuels my pain.

I guess it’s just one of those things I can’t get used to. 😥

 

http://www.last.fm/music/Sin%C3%A9ad+O%27Connor

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You can NEVER go home again

Have you ever studied yourself while looking into a broken mirror?

No?

Everyone should. It sort of gives you a different perspective…a sort of look into your soul as it were. While I have never done this myself, I have an idea that it wouldn’t show me anything I didn’t already see. My soul is just as broken as my heart…nothing new there.

 

I have been wondering… when does life actually begin? I’m not talking about the physics of it or even the logistics of it…but the spiritual aspects of it. See I can always see the end of it..but not the beginning of it.

My ex used to say “call me when you get home, so I know You made it safely”, since I am without a cellphone. I often wondered whether it was out of obligation or concern. So sometimes I would call, sometimes I would not. She used to say, “I love you” whenever we parted but one day she just stopped. She used to come by my house to see me, then abruptly this too stopped. Now she barely says two words to me, so I sent her an email saying I understand, maybe she just can’t talk to me anymore. Maybe she’s afraid to hear just how broken I really am, so I don’t blame her for no longer speaking to me…it’s just that way it has to be I guess. So I while I do wonder when the end actuially came, I can see it has come.  Her heart is officially closed to me and with this I am forced to carry the guilt forever.

 

So when will life begin anew? Anyone? An answer?

Yeah I thought so………for me, a person who has to work constantly….this is my life, nothing new here.  😥

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If I knew how to spell, I’d send out an SOS…but for what?

Every day is a new day… every breath, a chance to live life anew. But what about those for whom every day is simply a rehashing of the day before? What about those for whom the act of taking another breath is just another knife in their back? 😐

I’m an extremist…either things are or they’re not. And trust me, I know when they are not…right now in this time…in this place…they are not!  😡

See there are people who would rather I be happy, these people are “savers”. They think if I just “wait one more day, things will be different”. They say you deserve to be happy and one day you will find happiness. They just don’t see that in waiting one more day, things are different…worse, but different. I don’t feel I am the kind of person who deserves “the happy ending”.  😕 What have I done, that is even moderately worthy? I am no great person, apparently I am selfish (even my mother says so), I really not nice, I am very controlling, I’m very critical (in case you hadn’t noticed) and I am very opinionated. I’ve seen me naked and clothed and trust me, there’s nothing to see here. I never finished anything…I couldn’t even finish a 6-week Hoop class. So really what am I waiting for? 😥

Yesterday I went through and paid my bills for the next two weeks , as this is the last OT check. Yesterday I was really upset, yesterday I was beyond consoling (not that there was anyone who would have noticed). But today I am different….today I am lost, completely and totally. Today I realized that without the OT I’m so used to having, there is absolutely no way I will be able to function upon next pay day (in 2 weeks). It’s way beyond me trying to protect my credit rating, it’s beyond me trying not to burst into tears (like that ever solved anything)…it’s beyond anything at this point. If I can’t afford to pay all I owe, how am I supposed to be able to afford all the late fees I will undoubtedly incur? The short and only answer is that I can’t! And honestly I have no idea what I am going to do. Tomorrow, I’ll be looking into turning off more things, but I really don’t have anything left to disconnect. I tried to sell things and that only ended up costing me, so that’s out. And now I am seriously contemplating taking a long long walk….and forgetting all of this. 😯

By the by (yes, yes, I know– I just like the saying, OK?), I was talking to “her” yesterday and as usual she failed to see my point. I was trying once again to impart unto her the importance of relying solely on herself. I tried to point out that I too am in need and I cannot be there for her. I tried to get her to see she needs grief counseling and even as she said she could use me and I pointed out to her I will not do it, do you know she still couldn’t see how she was trying to force this upon me? I swear it’s like talking to a ….well I’m not sure because even if I say a rock, one can build upon them and she is no where near as useful. So let’s just say, it was yet another wasted commentary on my part. My I sure like to beat a dead horse, don’t I? Jeez!! 😳

http://www.last.fm/music/Kelly+Sweet/_/Dream+on

**Sing with me, sing for the years
**Sing for the laughter and sing for the tears
**Sing with me, if its just for today
**Maybe tomorrow the good lord will take you away

http://www.last.fm/music/Aerosmith/_/Dream+On

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Why………

Some could say, “Why ask why?” But these days that is my only question. I try not to ask “why me?” , because I know everyone cannot be perfect…some of us are in fact here to suffer something. There are things we must go through to learn whatever it is we must know, but I still wonder “why”.

Why am I alone? Is it because I ask too much? Do I want more than I deserve? I am willing to provide for someone all that I ask of them and nothing more or less. I don’t ask for extravagance nor do I ask for any sort of rise in status. I am no longer seeking a “knight in shining armor to rescue me”, these are the whims of children and the Manic 🙄 . I know that if I expect someone to work hard, I must as well.

Gone are the days where I dreamt of a life as a housewife (yes, yes I know not the Feminist thing to say)…you know like in “Little Shop of Horrors” where Audrey wanted the house just like in Better Homes & Gardens?  Well I wanted one too….but I don’t any longer. Mostly because I no longer dream & hope for such silly things. OK so I no longer dream & hope for anything.

When I was a teenager, my Mother used always tell me she didn’t want me to get a job like all my other friends. She told me I would always be taken care of and supported. I knew it was because she had always worked, always supported herself, and never had the chance to enjoy life. She wanted better for me, she wanted me to be spoiled, loved, adored. As I grew up I learned quickly my Mother was insane. I know me better than anyone ever could and I knew no one would ever come along to do these things, no matter how much I wanted to believe in her pipe dreams. I used to resent that she never taught me how to me my own woman, never taught me how to face the world and demand what I wanted, never taught me to be “that woman”. But now I know, she did what she thought was best. She meant no harm, she just didn’t want me to become her, always working and never stopping…never having someone in my life who would worship me and cherish me…never wanted me to be alone. But like all extremes, no matter which way you push them they will also have to swing back with the same force. So I am just like her and I know it kills her to know that. Hell, it kills me too.

I think of all her husbands and how they went on to do more, become better men because of her. And it reminds of all my exes, and they too have become better without me. Yet here I am, wondering how to make it from day to day.

Wait, what was my point with today’s post? I have forgotten, my brain is starting to drown in my tears again. Never mind. 😦

http://www.last.fm/music/Annie+Lennox/_/Why

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These bags (under my eyes), don’t mean I’m vacationing

I face life everyday with the feeling that it is truly pointless. No little kid dreams of  being a failure and yet some of us still turn out that way.

I know a woman who spent years trapped in a cocoon she created to protect herself from harm. She walled herself up in layers of flesh and used food to save herself from rejection and pain. However as these things go, she realized just how lonely she had become so she resolved to change. She had gastric bypass in the hopes she would be more appealing and eventually she married the first man to ask. And I honestly believe she felt she would then be happy…….she is not. Since marriage; she has filed bankruptcy, moved away from her elderly parents with whom she is close, worked copious amounts of overtime and while she still smiles…you can see the pain in her eyes. All of this so she would not be alone.

Well I say all of that to say that I was married, financially stable (?), went to the movies, went out to eat, left town a time or two…hell I could actually buy grocery then. But I was married to someone who would not touch me…I’m still not sure which of us was the issue, but my “perfect relationship” lacked intimacy.  It was because of this, “she” managed to intercept our tight circle. But now here I am……as lonely as one can possibly be and still have a heartbeat. All because I wanted to have someone touch me, kiss me, hug, me…love me.

Now I’m facing the idea of bankruptcy, I work so much most of the time I have no idea where I even am. I cry now more than I ever have before. Hell just thinking about it, is making me teary. I try to remain strong, I try not to show just how broken I am…I mean I have no right to….I still have it better than so many others. I try to steel my resolve…but whenever someone touches me in passing, I feel as though I will crumble to the floor. I tried to talk to my mother about it today, well without actually saying anything, I’d hoped she could hear it in me…she did not. I guess that’s good, I can’t burden her with my problems. They are mine and mine alone to shoulder. She raised two children with a lot less………who am I to complain? Hell, it’s not even been a year yet and if I already feel like this how can I make it?

 

“You are so sweet”, “such a nice person”, “so loving and giving”…and yet obviously not because if this was all so true….why did I grow up to be a failure? 😦

 

http://www.last.fm/music/John+Legend/_/Stay+With+You

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