The Christmas Vixen

Let me tell you of the vixen I met on last Christmas morning.

To me she was truly something to come out of my fog to see. She was no great beauty, but she had a charisma I had not experienced since I “gave away” my wife. I could tell she was young, maybe that was what drew me to her… I could not be sure. All I knew was that I wanted to know her but I had no idea how.

Well me being me, many many months went by and with only a few precious and fleeting glances betwixt us.  I never let on my intent and she never offered a glimmer of hope. To her I was like any other customer… a series of purchases and nothing more.  However, this was about to change.

I received a voice mail from my Mother one lone night and in it she expressed to me her desire for me to not be alone. As is the way of mothers, she just wanted me to be happy. On this message she said, ” A man who does not take a chance, is a man who does not have a chance.” Normally these drunken ramblings of my Mother mean nothing to me, I am jaded to them now. But something about this one was different… inspiring I might actually say. 

With the statement becoming quite the mantra reverberating in my head, I made my way to the store where I hoped to see my Vixen. My thought was, maybe I’d say something this time…. maybe. I circled the store several times without so much as a hint that she was there. Finally I decided I had loitered long enough, gathered my meager purchases and headed to the register. As I stood, as usual, lost inside my own head, I again heard her voice. This time she wasn’t speaking to me, but was actually on the phone near me and all I could do was stare at her longingly as she ordered a pizza. And when she walked by me, I made no attempt to hide the fact I was mentally filming her every move. (Later it was said that I was watching her like I wanted to have her right then and there.) But I froze, what could I say? So I made my purchases and left. All my way home, I thought of my Mother’s words & how I had probably lost my only chance.

What if I never get another chance? What if she actually like me too? (No she had never actually done anything to make me think so.) I couldn’t let it go. So I called the store back and told the male manager to please give her my phone number.

WHAT HAD I DONE???? I could not undo this latest bit of madness and I immediately regretted it. Now I could never shop that store again.

But things actually got wayyyyyyyyyyyy worse than that.

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Let us begin where we ended………

It was a dark day… Christmas.

While the rest of the world was huddled with the warmth of their family, I was alone.

I was as alone as one can be. No one to care for my where abouts, no one to even care if I was alive or dead. But still I carried on. I did not know what else to do. I was tired physically, emotionally and my soul cried as it is want to do.

The world was ensconced in the bright, flickering lights of happiness and love. But I was encased in the dark matter that is my own private world. Each step I took, merely a memory my body held on to in the hopes of finally being comfortable in the rut my path had become.

It was the Holidays…but there wasn’t even a lump of coal for me to lament over. No one remebered me and the happiness I thought I had once given so freely to them. I was just…there. My heart too weak to muster a mornful wail…but still I carried on.

My mind was lost in the pity party my heart was giving that it wasn’t invited to and I wandered in to “her”. As the world moved around me like the snow in a Winter Wonderland snow globe…”she” brought me into focus.

There before me was a voice…talking to me.
To me?
As I stood there, the voice continued to engage me… wait…. engage….ME?
Yes, “she” was talking to me and I peered out from the Lost and Found box that is my life…to actually see “her”.

I was like toys in Salvation Army bin…hoping for someone to want me but expecting to just be shelved and dust covered until deposed. But there, from the twinkle covered world, “she” stood…talking to me.

“Her” smile like water to my dried heart…refreshing, “her” voice a song my soul never knew…but longed to never forget, “her” eyes smoldering like the embers of a passion my body longed for…but believed never possible.

I could still hear “her” in my dreams but I knew “she” would never sing for me . “She” brought to me the longing of a dying woman… “she” made me ache with the need of her but I knew “she” was gone from me and on to another more deserving soul…

“She” was hope and I am just a hopeless romantic seeking a hopeful one….and “she” is not seeking me…………………………….

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Things could always be worse…and for someone, it probably is.

Another year has rolled by and I am alone as usual. I digress, I am not just alone…but I am lonely. 😥 Funny thing is, one day last week a woman at work was talking about those of us who live alone. According to her logic, by living alone “we learn more about ourselves…we have time to think”. 😐

Well here’s what I have learned… I have learned that the longer I am alone, the more critical I become of others. While I used to talk about people, it was with my ex and we would laugh as we said crazy things..well since I have no one to talk to, my comments are being more mean and less amusing.  I no longer envy people with their “loved ones”, now I see them as wasteful heathens with blatant disregard for anyone but themselves. 😡  I have learned that having someone to talk to is not important if the TV works, besides they would probably not want to hear about whatever I’m whining about today. 😦  I have learned that if given enough time, I could in fact pluck every single hair from my body. Trust me, on this one….I’ve tried and there is never enough time. 😳 I have learned that I eat an exorbitant amount of cereal… I think I single-handedly keep soy bean farmers afloat. 🙄 I have learned that the things I have learned are stupid….I would rather live with someone who loved me as I loved them, with all my heart and soul. But since they do not exist…I have learned that my life still sucks. 👿

 

 I have, however, started the wheels of my bankruptcy in motion. No, I am still not ok with it..but it’s not like I have a choice. The nice lady I spoke with made it seem like all would be right in my world soon, but 5 years is a long time….so we’ll see. 😕
As is standard, I will be at work for the Holidays instead of with my loving family. Oh wait, what loving family? Hell, for that matter what family? 😥 Don’t get me wrong. I know I am blessed (as I’ve stated many posts before). Right now there are so many millions without jobs or homes or a prayer. Right here where I work, there so many people without any sort of “good” in their lives that it would break my heart if I still had one. There is a woman who just found out she may have colon cancer,  another woman whose husband may be dying, a woman who used to work here is currently in the hospital, and of course “her” father is dying (again). 😐  So I understand that my problems are minuscule in the grand scheme of problems, but nonetheless they are still there, so whatever.

 http://www.last.fm/music/The+Emotions/_/What+Do+the+Lonely+Do+at+Christmas

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