Goodbye………

Thank you to all who read.

Have a better life than me…good bye.

Remember…

It is not better to have loved & lost then to have never loved at all….at least you can never miss what you never had. 😥

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Things could always be worse…and for someone, it probably is.

Another year has rolled by and I am alone as usual. I digress, I am not just alone…but I am lonely. 😥 Funny thing is, one day last week a woman at work was talking about those of us who live alone. According to her logic, by living alone “we learn more about ourselves…we have time to think”. 😐

Well here’s what I have learned… I have learned that the longer I am alone, the more critical I become of others. While I used to talk about people, it was with my ex and we would laugh as we said crazy things..well since I have no one to talk to, my comments are being more mean and less amusing.  I no longer envy people with their “loved ones”, now I see them as wasteful heathens with blatant disregard for anyone but themselves. 😡  I have learned that having someone to talk to is not important if the TV works, besides they would probably not want to hear about whatever I’m whining about today. 😦  I have learned that if given enough time, I could in fact pluck every single hair from my body. Trust me, on this one….I’ve tried and there is never enough time. 😳 I have learned that I eat an exorbitant amount of cereal… I think I single-handedly keep soy bean farmers afloat. 🙄 I have learned that the things I have learned are stupid….I would rather live with someone who loved me as I loved them, with all my heart and soul. But since they do not exist…I have learned that my life still sucks. 👿

 

 I have, however, started the wheels of my bankruptcy in motion. No, I am still not ok with it..but it’s not like I have a choice. The nice lady I spoke with made it seem like all would be right in my world soon, but 5 years is a long time….so we’ll see. 😕
As is standard, I will be at work for the Holidays instead of with my loving family. Oh wait, what loving family? Hell, for that matter what family? 😥 Don’t get me wrong. I know I am blessed (as I’ve stated many posts before). Right now there are so many millions without jobs or homes or a prayer. Right here where I work, there so many people without any sort of “good” in their lives that it would break my heart if I still had one. There is a woman who just found out she may have colon cancer,  another woman whose husband may be dying, a woman who used to work here is currently in the hospital, and of course “her” father is dying (again). 😐  So I understand that my problems are minuscule in the grand scheme of problems, but nonetheless they are still there, so whatever.

 http://www.last.fm/music/The+Emotions/_/What+Do+the+Lonely+Do+at+Christmas

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Whatever……..

Somewhere since my last post I got older. Mostly it went by unnoticed, my birthday dinner was a cheeseburger and a slice of carrot cake and I slept most of it away. I got a few cards from my Mother and my ex gave my a movie and an electric blanket (everyone knows I keep it cold in my house 😦 ) and few people at work cared enough to surprise me with a cake 🙂 . I was glad to know that someone remembered me for a change…it actually made me feel special. 🙂

But I was quickly brought back to reality. 😥

In previous posts I stated how I had no choice but to file bankruptcy. Well before my birthday I had gone to do just that. It did not go as I had hoped. In fact the lawyer I met with turned out to be the most racist bastard I had ever had the misfortune to encounter. Now I am an advocate for people not liking everyone… people have the right not to agree with everything…it’s OK. However, when one is in a position to work with different people, especially in this capacity one should be able to put their preferences aside…I guess that was asking too much. 😦

Well anyway so I way faced with really having no idea of what to do. “She” was of no help to me, because in essence she didn’t think it was worth it to help me in spite of all I had done for her. There is still part of a tree in my front yard that she was cutting down for me and now I have a half finished bathroom floor she was doing for me. I guess it’s just too much to hope that someone will do for me as I would do for them. So whatever…karma will take care of her. 👿

Then I again asked my ex if she would move in with me. She, too declined, I guess her reasons are still the same: lack of trust, lack of concern, and just general moving on with her life.  I mean it’s not like we had a history together or anything, it’s not like I thought we had that kind of “The Notebook” love or anything…whatever I guess this is my karma. 😥

 

Well today I go to speak to another lawyer, this time I am going alone, which is how I learned I must travel. See I have decided to make a New Year’s resolution for myself. Since being with me is worse than eating broken malaria infested glass, I have decided that I will try my best not to care…I doubt anyone will notice.

 

We’ll see how this works out… 😥

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But I’m A Repulicrat…Damn It! Where’s MY bailout?

Today I peered into the mouth of the Beast…and it was not good. Not good at all. 😈

Remember those housewives of the fifties? They were stoic, with impeccable taste they held their perfectly coifed heads high. Their lipstick was never smudged as they made a family each and every day as perfect as the day before. If you remember them, then you also knew they were a as real as their tinsel Christmas trees in their Ranch style homes with the station wagon in the driveway. They smiled to the world while they took all sorts of barbiturates behind closed doors. Their husbands drank and had mistresses and their children were budding anarchists and killers in the making. In essence, these women did what they thought they had to. 😦

I was to do the same. 😥

I am a reader, of people and of words … and neither one very well. I knew bankruptcy was my only option but as I was still fighting the inevitable I tried one last stand. After reading many stories of people in similar situations and speaking with those who had experience where I had only questions…I came to a decision. I would attempt to impart unto “her” that we were long past what I wanted in a relationship. We had reached what I needed in a relationship…and what I needed was money. 😡

I had resided myself to do what I had to do to survive. I knew that meant giving up who and what I was, to become who and what I needed to be. I was going to have to become as those fifties housewives….amiable to her whims and ignorant of my own. I was going to have to learn to accept my fate, such as it is and deal with whatever madness she threw at me. I had to…my livelihood…my house was is at stake. 😯

I gathered up my reserves and asked her to move in with me. I explained my financial status and why I had waited so long. She knew I was not the type to arbitrarily ask for help, so if I asked I was long past needing it. Well as is with such things, she was willing but she had just signed her new lease after much delay. Here I was trying to save myself and ask for someone to throw me a rope and apparently all the ropes had been burned up in a fire. 👿

Oh well, it won’t be so bad, right? 😳

I mean when they come to take my house I can always move in with my Mother. Plenty of forty year olds live with their parents, right? There is no shame in that. What a joyous day that will be? Hooray, maybe we could get Food Stamps too. 😕

http://www.last.fm/music/Nina+Simone/_/I+Wish+I+Knew+How+It+Would+Feel+to+Be+Free

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I never wanted a white picket fence..and I never got one either.

I very long time ago I  knew a woman, I use the term woman loosely because she had aspirations of becoming a FTM, even then no one referred to him as a a “she”.  😡 He was a lot older than I and had lived quite a life before I met him. He wasn’t the most stable person around and illegal substances were his method of coping. I wanted to learn more about him… find out what him who he was. He knew how to keep a secret, something few people can do effectively these days…yes even me.  😕 But he had dreams of owning a BMW and becoming a Security Guard, dreams I couldn’t understand or even fathom. 😯

A Security Guard…dream? This made no sense to me. 🙄

Here I was thinking I was going to be the next Dr. Ruth or something and I had goals of having a loving family, a large home, multiple pets and driving a Jaguar. 😀 I went to College for heaven’s sake (several in fact)…he didn’t even have a GED.  He spoke of past jail time and I spoke of past vacations. He told of wine, women & song and I talked of the sex I’d read about volumes of literature. His past was dark like the secrets he hid in his closet…cold and away from peering eyes. 8) My future was a bright as my view of the world…open & new. 😮

In my world there were never two more different people than us. I considered him a failure… even his “dreams” were beneath me. 😳

Now fast forward the more than 15 years it has been since I last saw him.

Our lives, I’m quite sure took extremely different paths. I even saw him once or twice in a crowd at a gay club and he was still the same as I remembered. You know, the “loner type”, wouldn’t even make eye contact, but I knew he saw me… watched me even. 😉

Many years later I wondered what became of him. Did he ever get that job or that car? Did he succumb to the drugs he loved so much? 😈

I never found out. But you can rest assured, he held on tight to his dreams no matter what ever happened…wish I could have said the same.

Oh how wish I could have said the same. 😥

http://www.last.fm/music/Simply+Red/_/A+Song+for+You

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