Whatever……..

Somewhere since my last post I got older. Mostly it went by unnoticed, my birthday dinner was a cheeseburger and a slice of carrot cake and I slept most of it away. I got a few cards from my Mother and my ex gave my a movie and an electric blanket (everyone knows I keep it cold in my house 😦 ) and few people at work cared enough to surprise me with a cake 🙂 . I was glad to know that someone remembered me for a change…it actually made me feel special. 🙂

But I was quickly brought back to reality. 😥

In previous posts I stated how I had no choice but to file bankruptcy. Well before my birthday I had gone to do just that. It did not go as I had hoped. In fact the lawyer I met with turned out to be the most racist bastard I had ever had the misfortune to encounter. Now I am an advocate for people not liking everyone… people have the right not to agree with everything…it’s OK. However, when one is in a position to work with different people, especially in this capacity one should be able to put their preferences aside…I guess that was asking too much. 😦

Well anyway so I way faced with really having no idea of what to do. “She” was of no help to me, because in essence she didn’t think it was worth it to help me in spite of all I had done for her. There is still part of a tree in my front yard that she was cutting down for me and now I have a half finished bathroom floor she was doing for me. I guess it’s just too much to hope that someone will do for me as I would do for them. So whatever…karma will take care of her. 👿

Then I again asked my ex if she would move in with me. She, too declined, I guess her reasons are still the same: lack of trust, lack of concern, and just general moving on with her life.  I mean it’s not like we had a history together or anything, it’s not like I thought we had that kind of “The Notebook” love or anything…whatever I guess this is my karma. 😥

 

Well today I go to speak to another lawyer, this time I am going alone, which is how I learned I must travel. See I have decided to make a New Year’s resolution for myself. Since being with me is worse than eating broken malaria infested glass, I have decided that I will try my best not to care…I doubt anyone will notice.

 

We’ll see how this works out… 😥

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I am what I am…….

I was never one to think of myself as unique. I’m just as “different” as every other sheep out there. I know there is nothing special about me, I struggle, I hate, I hope, I manage…just like every one else. But you know, people have never really made an effort to understand me. Now granted people and the things they do/say baffle me every day but part of my desire to be a Psychologist was to study the human emotion/mind.  I wanted to not necessarily “fix” people like so many others try to do. I just wanted others to have someone to whom they could turn to who truly understood their plight…no matter how unlike my own it may be. But in all my years no one has ever tried to know what my plight really was.

I know life is no fairy tale…it’s not like it is on TV (unless you only watch CNN, in which case it is). I only ever wanted to be wanted.  Do you have any idea of what it’s like to have your own mother tell you (from the time I was little) how she never wanted me. To have her tell me I ruined her dreams of becoming a nurse. To have her tell me that my grandparents were constantly telling her to give me up for adoption. Do you know what it’s like to have your own father not only chose your little brother over you, but go so far as to steal him in the night and your mother use you as a trade to get him back? Chances are you don’t…I’m sure you know your own brand of pain.

But all of this just set the scene for the years of neglect that would proceed. Now absolutely no one wants to be bothered with me. I have no friends, even my ex would rather spend her time emailing others & playing Internet games. So personally I’m thinking if I just could disappear the only one who would notice would be … well actually I can’t think of anyone. 😦

Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying any of this for any form of sympathy….it just is what it is.

I know who and what I amand I know that my life experiences are what shaped me into the person I have become…….. and that person, my friends (?) sucks.

http://www.last.fm/music/Melody+Gardot/_/Worrisome+Heart

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Scarlet was wrong, tomorrow is NOT another day…it’s all the same

Today my mother called me, twice. She just felt that something was wrong and wanted to know what was going on. How could I tell her that my only thought is dying? How could I tell her that all the hope she has pinned to me, will never be fruitful? How can I tell my mother that her oldest child is so desperate that she envies people killed in random incidents…..not for the fame, but for the end of her suffering? (why am I writing in the 3rd person? oh well…)

I can’t…so I didn’t. I told her as I always do, “I’m making it…nothing to report, nothing else to say”. After she hung up the first time I cried so much I couldn’t breathe, coughing blood, you know the whole nine……then she called again. She made me promise her I’d be OK, wouldn’t “do anything”. We both knew what she meant even though the words were never said. She told me I don’t have to carry my burdens alone, she’s here for me. But how can I place my troubles on her? Yeah, she’s my mother but she has her own problems…she has my unless brother constantly worrying her, stressing her, using her…I could never add to that. My burdens are mine alone, I am getting exactly what I deserve.

 She still asks, “why won’t (my ex) come back?” Oddly, she never asked why she left in the first place. I would love yo say,”Mama, I think she thinks I’m too good for her…she wants me to happy and she felt she was holding me back.” Ha, that’s pretty funny… someone saying I’m too good for them (I’d laugh aloud, if it weren’t for the tears). Truth be told it’s more like, “Mama, I have no idea…I guess her resentment is stronger than I can fathom.” Of course after the last call, all I could do was sob for hours. Not just because of my situation, but because of course I feel selfish for even being upset when so many people go without even the basic necessities of life, and mostly because I see my mother’s life mirrored in my own more and more everyday.  😐

I remember a time when all my mother did was work (3rd shift no less), and her only outlet…alcohol, just like mine. Now granted she drank heavier and more ofter than I can even afford, but in what I do drink (coolers), for my system… I drink a lot of them. {And no I don’t recycle all that glass…fuck it!) Of course as all parents do, she wanted a better life for me….but well…that is not to be which is further proof I could never tell her. I’m even seriously considering starting to work 7 days a week (I’ll have no choice soon…might as well start  preparing myself now). 😦

Today someone said to me, “you know…when I see you (which is rare) it brightens my day. But I’ve noticed you don’t smile like you used to, can I help?” I guess for a better person, they would have felt good in that, but all I could think about was that even in that slight gesture of not smiling anymore, I was letting someone else down and my pain was getting harder to hide. They asked, “do you not have anything positive in your life to make you smile?” Me being me, I was honest, “no”, I said and then “she” got all bent out of shape.. guess I was supposed to say “her”. I tried to explain to “her”, when the negative over shadows your life, a few positive aspects are not enough. Of course this did not bode well with “her”, but well she’s a simpleton who thinks love will conquer all. Hell if that were true, I wouldn’t be in the situation I’m in now. Every woman I’ve been in a relationship with who promised to take care of me & love me no matter what, would still be doing so.

Just like Scarlet, they all lied…maybe I should switch sides…find a man….at least I expect them to lie.

On second thought…..that is worse than death…never mind. 😯

http://www.last.fm/music/India.Arie/_/Ready+for+Love

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These bags (under my eyes), don’t mean I’m vacationing

I face life everyday with the feeling that it is truly pointless. No little kid dreams of  being a failure and yet some of us still turn out that way.

I know a woman who spent years trapped in a cocoon she created to protect herself from harm. She walled herself up in layers of flesh and used food to save herself from rejection and pain. However as these things go, she realized just how lonely she had become so she resolved to change. She had gastric bypass in the hopes she would be more appealing and eventually she married the first man to ask. And I honestly believe she felt she would then be happy…….she is not. Since marriage; she has filed bankruptcy, moved away from her elderly parents with whom she is close, worked copious amounts of overtime and while she still smiles…you can see the pain in her eyes. All of this so she would not be alone.

Well I say all of that to say that I was married, financially stable (?), went to the movies, went out to eat, left town a time or two…hell I could actually buy grocery then. But I was married to someone who would not touch me…I’m still not sure which of us was the issue, but my “perfect relationship” lacked intimacy.  It was because of this, “she” managed to intercept our tight circle. But now here I am……as lonely as one can possibly be and still have a heartbeat. All because I wanted to have someone touch me, kiss me, hug, me…love me.

Now I’m facing the idea of bankruptcy, I work so much most of the time I have no idea where I even am. I cry now more than I ever have before. Hell just thinking about it, is making me teary. I try to remain strong, I try not to show just how broken I am…I mean I have no right to….I still have it better than so many others. I try to steel my resolve…but whenever someone touches me in passing, I feel as though I will crumble to the floor. I tried to talk to my mother about it today, well without actually saying anything, I’d hoped she could hear it in me…she did not. I guess that’s good, I can’t burden her with my problems. They are mine and mine alone to shoulder. She raised two children with a lot less………who am I to complain? Hell, it’s not even been a year yet and if I already feel like this how can I make it?

 

“You are so sweet”, “such a nice person”, “so loving and giving”…and yet obviously not because if this was all so true….why did I grow up to be a failure? 😦

 

http://www.last.fm/music/John+Legend/_/Stay+With+You

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If they still built Sanitariums it would feel like going home

Every two weeks I get paid. Or should I say…every two weeks I visit with my children, and by children I mean, bills. I work more than some, but not as much as others. I try to take one day off to visit where my mail goes (otherwise known as my house). On this day I try to do all the household labor that goes neglected while I work. I try to watch some of the cable I pay dearly for, I try to just walk around my lonely house and see again for the first time. But I say all this to say that as it stands my life is the rotting corpse of a roadside possum. 😐

I no longer have hopes and dreams, I no longer look forward to anything…I have nothing….well except bills. Every month I check off each bill as I pay it and this month I decided to add up all the bills to see exactly what I NEED to make at the very minimum and let me say it is a daunting amount. I mean, for my tax bracket I could be living the high life, if it weren’t for so many freaking mistakes I have made (me who said I would never have any regrets 😦  ). I look around at the people I work with (people I know I make more than) and I listen to their financial problems and I thank the heavens I don’t have children because I would have broken long ago. Don’t get me wrong, as I have said before I know I am blessed and I try my best not to take anything for granted, but in the same respect…I am going to go insane. 😮

When I sleep, I have nightmares…I dream “they” are coming to take away my house and some days it seems so very real. I dream I have to sell everything I own and it’s still not enough to pay them all. Sounds stupid I know, but I wake up panicking and sweating every time and I lose more and more with each dream. I feel as though I eventually will have no choice but to let “her” move back in and that fact kills me…it really does pour salt into my already gaping wounds.

I really think my head is going to explode…at the very least I’m waiting for the heart attack. 😦

http://www.last.fm/music/Basement+Jaxx

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