House for sale…fully furnished, must take whining ghost as well….cheap!

OK, yes I am still posting. If they come get me, then at I’ll finally have someone to talk too. 😛

Yesterday, several things came to me…

• I can’t complain that no one ever calls me if I never call anyone.
• People suck.
• Once a blood thirsty leech…always a blood thirsty leech and said leech will feed even without blood.

I needed someone to talk to so I called “her”. I tried to sound caring, concerned, interested in her well being. Do you know what she said to me? “Why are you being nice to me all of a sudden?” I would have punched a hole in the wall, if it wouldn’t have just cost me money I don’t have. WTF?! So fine. No more calling her. 👿

Then I call my ex. Not much better. She too sounded annoyed that I called. She too, was quick to get off the phone, so no more calling her either. 😥

Then “she” tells me her lease is up. “Is there any reason she shouldn’t renew?” WTF! Why even ask such a stupid question? In the year since I put her out, nothing is any different. I’m still the one she blames for her miserable existence and no matter how nice I try to be it’s never right. She will always find a way to ruin it.  😡

Now here’s the worse part. I have a friend who lives alone 😦 , I live alone 😥 , “she” lives alone 😈 , my ex lives alone 🙄 . Yet none of us can live together. 😳

So of course “she” wants to live with me again. Do I dare? 😯

Honestly I’m not sure. I mean have given up life really…so I guess I view it as a “push”. I’m miserable with her and I’m miserable alone. So either way I’m dying. The only good thing is if I let her move in…my ex won’t have to worry about me leaning to her. 😕  She deserves a stable person anyway…guess that’s why she doesn’t talk to me.

Wonder if it’s like dog hearing? She can’t even hear me anymore. 😐

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The truth is out there……..

Let me state for the record……. I AM NOT NOR HAVE I EVER BEEN DANGEROUS.

I read a lot, only things on-line because I can read while at work, and of course I read the article on TruTV about Bloggers who kill. I read about one particularly disturbed person, and it frightened me.

What if someone out there thinks of me as someone like him? We both talk (write) about our meds, our depression, our loneliness. He, however, wrote about his twisted fantasies and I am not a sick minded fuck. But what if you don’t know me and based on what you read think I could be? What if somewhere out there someone is genuinely afraid of what I may do?

Now, I’m afraid to post…afraid that my words are being cataloged in a file somewhere to be used as evidence against me should I snap and run rampant plundering the villagers. What if the people who do know me are thinking this too?

Maybe I’ll just stop writing……..because now I’m all kind of paranoid. 😐

OK…I’ll write, but maybe they’ll just be private from now on. 8)

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One really is the loneliest number………

Do you know why I come here everyday, even when I posts nothing new?

I come because I want to see how many people read about me today. It’s my pathetic attempt to be social. I exist only to pay bills and other than work, I have no outside communication. So here,I come.

My mother is in love, so she has no time…not that she listens to me anyway.  My ex…well frankly I’ve beat that dead horse, dug it up & beat it so more…so she goes about her life oblivious to me. And “her”….that’s a horse I’d like to beat, turn into glue & then use it to glue religious pamphlets in foreign countries so she is constantly being exorcised.

So other than these words, I have no connection with anything. Sad when you think about. I mean this is actually not communicating. This is me beinga hypocrite and whining about my life and you my poor, dear reader being forced to realize your life isn’t that bad…maybe. You know I don’t even talk to me. Well lately I’ve started to, but generally I simply walk about my house in silence. It used to be that if I talked aloud I would start to cry because I’d realize just how pathetic I really am….talking to no one. But now the tears come all on their own, no matter I’m doing. I have even managed to wake myself up crying actual tears.

I suppose that’s a sign I should heed, but I simply don’t care anymore. What could I do about it anyway? 😐

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Somewhere in the world…she waits for me. Too bad I’ll have to try to come back to find her.

 I’ve always thought of myself as “the one”. You know the one someone would love forever. The one someone would protect and care for. The one someone would love at least as much as I loved them.

Too bad, I thought so highly of myself…

It’s a long way to the ground.

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Only a Fool needs someone to help them…Intelligent people would out source in the beginning.

I am the biggest fool I know. I used to think I was moderately intelligent, but as I life and breathe…I have learned differently. 😦

I never ask for help and am always criticized because I don’t lean to others when I need to. There is precedent that dictates my behavior. It is not because I am so self sufficient that I rest solely on me. If I mess up, it’s OK, I probably didn’t know what I was doing anyway. If you mess up for me, then I was a fool for asking you in the first place.  😐

Someone volunteered to help me….then did a worse job then I could have done. Then another volunteered to fix the mess. Foolishly I agreed. 😡 For this I extremely saddened. Because now I am twice the fool, which is just why I never ask. I thought my request was simple. It required nothing that I did not provide. It has however become the corner stone of a madness I should have foreseen.

As a matter of fact I believe Nostradamus spoke of it.

At the intersection of happiness and  “Oh My God, we’re crashing into a brick wall!”, lies “her”.

And she has once again proven that even in something where there is no room for interpretation, she can find a way to ruin it. My request was born out of my own madness, admittedly. I was so caught up in thinking I was being explicit in my direction that I could not see that fact I was speaking to “her”. The “her” that makes me scream for the sweet release of death. The “her” that makes me regret any- and every- thing I have ever wanted, said, done, or thought.

I see once again why my ex would never consider me as her her soul mate…. I am but a court jester acting out the follies of my insanity. 😥

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Why is it you never hear about Queen Midas?

“Somebody’s Me”
by Enrique Iglesias
You, do you remember me?
Like I remember you?
Do you spend your life
Going back in your mind to that time?
Because I, I walk the streets alone
I hate being on my own
And everyone can see that I really fell
And I’m going through hell
Thinking about you with somebody else[CHORUS]
Somebody wants you
Somebody needs you
Somebody dreams about you every single night
Somebody can’t breath without you, it’s lonely
Somebody hopes that one day you will see
That Somebody’s Me [2x]

How, How could we go wrong
It was so good and now it’s gone
And I pray at night that our paths soon will cross
And what we had isn’t lost
Cause you’re always right here in my thoughts

[Chorus]
Somebody wants you
Somebody needs you
Somebody dreams about you every single night
Somebody can’t breath without you, it’s lonely
Somebody hopes that one day you will see
That Somebody’s Me [2x]

You’ll always be in my life
Even if I’m not in your life
Because you’re in my memory
You, when you remember me
And before you set me free
Oh listen please

[Chorus]
Somebody wants you
Somebody needs you
Somebody dreams about you every single night
Somebody can’t breath without you, it’s lonely
Somebody hopes that one day you will see
That Somebody’s Me [5x]

 

 

 

 

 

I’m getting older by the second, and not just chronologically but emotionally.

I guess I’m lost somewhere between Mid Life Crisis and Senior Citizen Discount Wednesdays.

I know, age wise I’m not that old…but I truly do feel like it. I used to wonder why old Lesbians still went to clubs just to watch the Newbies…. now I know why. You get caught up in the constant responsibility of being an adult and you lose sight of enjoyment in life itself. OK, well I never really had it, but there were moments when I was happy… moments when I could see the hope life brings…but those are past.  I honestly never thought I’d make it to this age…figured I would died off long ago. So facing my life old and alone does not bring any possibility of happiness. I see myself working literally until I die, which may be sooner rather later. I remember the far off look in my Grandmother’s eyes when I was little and it is now that I know what she was thinking…”Youth really is wasted on the young.” 😐

 

I look at little kids and teenagers and I see all the hope and fantasy about the world that I used to have. I always wanted children, I wanted to be able to let them be kids while they could. Yeah, people would have said I was spoiling them, but I wouldn’t care. I would have taught them the joy of being free to be themselves. They would have gone to school plenty of days with their clothes non matching, but they would have been unique not tacky. They would have told other kids all about sex and politics and when to wear white. They would have known the joys of being barefoot and the difference between a wedge and a stack. I would have loved them until they became rebellious teenagers, and then I would have loved them more. 8)

Of course realistically I know I don’t have children for a reason…I call it Divine Intervention. It was written that I never propagate, never spawn a demon like the one in my soul. It’s for the best I tell myself….I can’t afford to function as it is, a child? That would simply never have worked out financially besides my Mama tells me I’m too selfish to have children…t ells me Im not the Mothering type. Guess that’s why I don’t even have pets. (Never told you about Sahara, Papagallo, Tigger, Cappiachino, Oreo, Mocciata or Boirus & Natasha…that’s another time, not now.) 😥

 

Most people want to see loved ones that have passed because they have all these “things” they never got to say. To my Grandmother with the far away look, I want to apologize. I want her to know how sorry I am that I have wasted my life…sorry that she had held hopes for me to have a better life and I blew it. I’d cry to her that I am sorry that the only thing I became when I grew up….was a failure at every single thing I ever touched.

 

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Because in the end…it doesn’t really matter

The other day a guy at work asked me what it would take for me to be happy.

WTF!? 😯

What kind of question is that? Happy? Me?

The worse part is that I can not answer that…I have no idea. 😦 He then asked me what I did for fun? So of course I’m thinking, “What is this the Spanish Inquisition or something?” 8)

Fun? I don’t have time for fun! 😡 I’m always at work! Fun is for the youth…the hopeful…the happy people in the world. It is not for the damaged and broken, indebted and lost….not for me. 😐

As it is my Halloween won’t even be what I wanted. I’ve spent all this money foolishly and my Mama can’t come like I’d hoped. I simply don’t have the time or money to go get her & take her back and she can’t afford to get her truck fixed and then drive all the way here. I guess sometimes I live in some fantasy world where things will just work out…but they never do. Hell, I don’t even have the ability to use my off days to put up my decorations, instead I’ll have to do it a little at a time when I get off every morning. 😐 Right now I have to work as much as I can since I am off Halloween weekend. So I just send her her costume, some candy and the money I would have spent on gas (she could use it anyway).

Really? What’s point anyway? 😕

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I wish I knew how to quit you…….

Yesterday Two days ago while sitting on the table, wearing my paper attire at the Gynecologist’s office…..it all dawned on me. I truly am a mean, control freak. 😡

It started when I looked at her toes. I used to say that a woman should never go out with unpolished toes, I tried to keep hers polished. But now they were naked. It was my Mama that told her 11 years ago to cut her hair and it was me that told her not to do dreads. But now she has dreads and they are approaching shoulder length. In the beginning she wore no jewelry, then I gave her all this stuff, now she’s back to not wearing any. So it suddenly dawned on me, I created in her what I wanted, not necessarily who is wanted to become. I never wanted to change her, I just wanted to give her confidence in herself. Guess I just pushed her. Maybe she was never happy with me and would have sacrificed her soul to be shed of me. 😦

 

As I was sitting there sweating (it was sweltering in there), with my ex next to me (same appt. date), not a word was being said. I realized that after almost 11 years together she no longer has anything to say to me. 😐

 Why didn’t I say anything? 😕

What could I say? “My life sucks more everyday, I’m thinking about ending it all…please come back.”I knew that wasn’t happening, besides that would never be fair to her. I couldn’t stop my eyes from tearing up as I wondered where it all went. We used to talk so much about so many things but now I feel forced to remain quite for fear of saying just what I’m thinking and since she doesn’t say anything…it only fuels my pain.

I guess it’s just one of those things I can’t get used to. 😥

 

http://www.last.fm/music/Sin%C3%A9ad+O%27Connor

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I’m no idiot savant….just a plain old idiot

My life is so messed up, that I actually created a mathematical formula to show just how messed up it really is. 😥

{(-z + δ/-$) x A∞ -J = §} +{§ +(rr²/L∞) x G + δ}= ??

It looks better on paper than it does here. I had to improvise some of the symbols.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re saying “wow, that is the work of a true genius. I am astounded at the complexity this problem represents. I wish my simple brain could explain life in such intricate, yet simple terms . She must have worked on the LHC team.” 😯

OK, so maybe that’s not quite what you were thinking. It was probably more like…”WTF? The is the work of a some truly insane person. Who would sit there and come up with such madness?” 😕

Either way 😛 . 

I will explain.

See here lately 🙄 I have become quite listless…quite, well I’m not sure the word, but just know that since things are never right in my world I’ve been truly feeling like just chucking it all. You know? As if my own guilt wasn’t heavy enough I began to feel even more guilty because here I am complaining about my life while people in the path of Hurricane Ike lost everything. 😥  While granted I have no one, I at least have my home a job, and the ability to function. Some of those people lost all their worldly possessions and some even lost their lives and/or loved ones.

I began to ponder the purpose of my continuing my sham of a life. I serve no actual purpose, yes yes I know “You touch the lives of countless people around you and you may never even know it”. 😐 Some quack wrote that non-sense and I’m in no mood to counter it, so whatever. Anyway, I started to see the value of my dissolve, the few who would even notice would eventually breathe a sigh of relief because they would no longer have to hear me whining “oh poor me”.  😦

And then to top it all off there I was at my weakest, worried about losing my job, trying to plan for the High Holy Day (and by that I mean Halloween…my favorite day) which is really hard in it’s own way. On or near Halloween I realized I’d lost my 1st wife, it was the favorite day of my 2nd wife & I, then I spent last Halloween putting “her” out of my house. So I was trying to take it back this year, but the stress of working continuously and being afraid of buying the few things I have because who knows if I’ll need the money before it’s all said and done. Well anyway out of the blue “she” suggested we have sex. Her father’s in the hospital most likely dying so she was feeling pretty down, I’m feeling like I’m at the end of a flaming rope… so why not (besides no one else will touch me). Well of course now that it’s done, I’m feeling worse. I feel like 1.) I’m cheating on some phantom lover and 2.) I know she’ll be thinking it’s more than it was. It was sex, even she said so…but we all know they type. “The I’ll tell her whatever it takes” then WHAM!! “when she’s not looking I’ll try to weasel my way into her house” type. So naturally I’m feeling really uneasy now because I know I’ll be forced to break her back down again real soon. 😡

 

But well anyway I at least explain my formula. {(Lack of sleep (-z) plus extreme despair (δ-closest symbol to a noose) divided by severe debt (-$)) multiplied by continuous anxiety (A∞) minus any minuscule of joy (J) equals a descent into hell(§)} plus {a descent in to hell(§) plus a lot of reasonable regrets (rr²) which are divided by severe loneliness (L∞) all multiplied by mountains of guilt (G) plus more despair (δ) equals HOPELESSNESS (??). So you see convoluted yes, but you have to admit, still the work of a genius and we all know they are borderline insane.

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You can NEVER go home again

Have you ever studied yourself while looking into a broken mirror?

No?

Everyone should. It sort of gives you a different perspective…a sort of look into your soul as it were. While I have never done this myself, I have an idea that it wouldn’t show me anything I didn’t already see. My soul is just as broken as my heart…nothing new there.

 

I have been wondering… when does life actually begin? I’m not talking about the physics of it or even the logistics of it…but the spiritual aspects of it. See I can always see the end of it..but not the beginning of it.

My ex used to say “call me when you get home, so I know You made it safely”, since I am without a cellphone. I often wondered whether it was out of obligation or concern. So sometimes I would call, sometimes I would not. She used to say, “I love you” whenever we parted but one day she just stopped. She used to come by my house to see me, then abruptly this too stopped. Now she barely says two words to me, so I sent her an email saying I understand, maybe she just can’t talk to me anymore. Maybe she’s afraid to hear just how broken I really am, so I don’t blame her for no longer speaking to me…it’s just that way it has to be I guess. So I while I do wonder when the end actuially came, I can see it has come.  Her heart is officially closed to me and with this I am forced to carry the guilt forever.

 

So when will life begin anew? Anyone? An answer?

Yeah I thought so………for me, a person who has to work constantly….this is my life, nothing new here.  😥

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They lied the LHC did create a black hole…it’s where my heart used to be

Some day, dear reader, I hope to have a day where I am happy and all is well and it is just a good day…..of course, then my alarm will go off and I’ll have to wake up. 🙄

So you know today has been no different than normal. I tried to finish painting the room today.  I was moving one of the book cases and starting going through all my books and the tears just came back. See I have all these sex books, you know it was going to be my dream career… Sex Therapy. But we all know how I feel about dreams 😥 Well anyway, I was sitting there wondering what happened to my life? I mean nothing was perfect, but it was mine. I had a family, I had love, I had security… I just didn’t have intimacy. 😦 What kind of therapist could I except to ever be, if I had all these books and never learned one thing from them. I couldn’t even help my own relationship. Yeah I know, I’ve said this before…. it just hits me sometimes over & over again, OK? 😕

Then I started looking around the room, which while in total disarray, I could still see so much of “us”. I even have the very first picture ever taken of us..I think I felt pieces of my heart actually shatter and fall somewhere near my spleen. So of course while I still painted, it’s not finished.

 

Then there’s a message from “her”. She actually called me to ask me to come to work. WTF!! I mean really, me who works 12 a day 7 days a week, never mind the fact I am already on the schedule to work 12 today. No one ever calls (except Mama of course) just see how I’m doing, if I need anything, if I’m laying on the floor dead, or hell, if I’ve fallen victim to random door bell rings.  😡 So of course, my temper flares before I even leave home. On my way in I try to calm down…it doesn’t work. 👿 Regardless, I decide to tell her. I walk up to her and say,” Now I’m going to try to say this a calmly as I can, which is not how I felt when I heard your message. But DON’T YOU EVER CALL MY HOUSE AND ASK ME TO COME TO WORK for as long as you know me.” “How dare you call me with this? Me? Who is here 12/7 and is working 12 today?” She goes on about how I had said once before that it was hard for me to get hours, blah blah (I stopped listening when I turned the car off. 😛 ). But I did hear this, “When was the last time you called me to see how I’m doing?” 😯 This was the straw. Then I said,”This is why we are not together!”, and walked away. She was still talking but I could care less. 😈

 

What is wrong with people? I once saw that a woman should have someone love her more than she loves them. I have always loved someone more than they loved me. It is the whole lesbian thing that prevents me from having this for myself? 😐

http://www.last.fm/music/Al+Green

 

**Oh wait…..

I almost forgot. 😳 There was one bright glimmer (smaller than a spot). Apparently when “she” went to sort her mother’s things, they found out she was quite the freak.  😆 They found porn of all sorts. And she gave me, what they thought was one of the most horrid things. It was one of those keychains where the man is copulating 🙂 with the woman from behind and it moves back & forth. It’s all old and kind of rusty…but it is priceless! To know her mother, is to know she seemed so naive and unaware of the ways of the world. But apparently she was quite the wanton woman…I love it! 8)

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4 Days can feel like an eternity if you’re in a coma

If a Lady knows when to leave what does that make me? Hmmmm… OK, so we already know I am not a Lady…. Ladies are delicate yet strong. Ladies are pampered yet not fussy. Ladies are adored not abhorred. So we see I am definitely not a Lady. 😥

 

To this end…I have returned. Hiatus over. 😐

 

OK so you will recall from previous posts that “she” and I are no longer speaking. Well of course she is trying to wear me down again, but dear reader it shall not happen this time. 😕  She walked around here moping for days because I no longer spoke or even acknowledged her presence. Well then she would stop by my desk, say a word or two while I looked at her like she was lost or something. Then she would send me an email, to which I wouldn’t respond. Then she left me some ice cream (caramel…my fave), I thanked her for her kindness but offered nothing more. 😛  So she resorted to calling. I no longer answer my phone so she leaves message after message of her “undying love for me”, “Oh I’m still so in love with you”, blah blah. “Life’s too short for me not to let you know how I feel”, like I didn’t know. Whatever! 👿 Like I really care anymore. I tried and tried and tried. I no longer try. There are only so many times a dog can be kicked before it turns around a bites you. 😮

 

Oh wait there’s more……. 😳

 

So I finally call my Mama. I’ve been avoiding calling her because I don’t want her to hear my voice. See I can tell people what they want to hear all day. I can wake up put on my make-up, get dressed and go on like everything is wonderful and unless you really pay attention, things may seem OK at least. But when I talk, I can’t hide it. The pain just oozes from me like the festering, infected sore it is. Well anyway, she could tell I was fading. She just kept tell me to hang on…”wait another day, things will get better. I promise” (her famous words). 🙄  And as per proper protocol, I said “OK Mama, I’ll try.” She told me I should try to have fun, stop worrying so much. This almost caused me to let go of the rope I’ve been using to hang on while teetering on the edge. Have fun? What? Is she insane? Like I really have a choice in the matter. 😥

 

But still….it gets better…….wait for it…. 😳

 

So I had this room that I kind of thought of was a symbol of my marriage (which now that I think about it, it actually was literally more than figuratively). 😦 It had lots of pictures of my ex and I. It held all these framed words of love and commitment. It also held our Marriage Certificate. There were lots of Eiffel Towers, we got married in Paris (Tennessee). It was pink, with leopard print and pink roses. Yes, I know sounds crazy, but trust me….it worked very well. Anyway, I had already gotten rid of the leopard print linens long ago. I gave all pink roses, pink pillows, pink curtains and pink blanket away.  I’ve started giving away the art, next will be the Eiffel Towers. But nonetheless, I decided to paint the room. Now keep in mind, I have no money so of course I didn’t buy any new paint. I’m using paint I still had from when I painted the upstairs bathroom cabinets over a year ago. Sadly it will be the room most uncharacteristic of me, but whatever. OK, there’s a point here….stick with me. 😐

 So, it’s early this morning and I’m just painting away. I covered in paint speckles and sweat. 80 When my doorbell rings…. Yes, you read right. It’s like 730 in the freaking morning, I am pouring sweat and the door bell rings. Now anyone familiar with my story knows this is not a good thing and most definitely not at 730am. So begrudgingly I drag downstairs, leer into the peephole and what (notice not whom) do I see? At first I am not sure, but as I stare at the what is pacing on my porch I wish my paintbrush was a gun. Because on my porch at 730 in the morning was “him”. The tried to rape me “him”. The “him” I have had absolutely no contact with since early spring. The “him” that was the catalyst for me changing my phone numbers so many times I can’t even remember it anymore. 😡 Before you ask, NO I did not open the door and “accidentally” pour paint all over him…although I wish I had thought of it at the time (Darn it! 👿 ). I was FAR too pissed that he would dare step one foot on my property. I simply watched him pace back & forth first on the porch then in the parking lot, stare at all the open windows of my house and finally leave. Now here is why this is more madness than you realize. Before I was so disgustingly interrupted from my laboring at placing a band-aid on my broken heart, I was listening to my Ipod. The current song was Send Me Someone to Love and I was just saying if I believed in wishing, I wish I did have someone of my own to love. And then the doorbell rings. I thought I would vomit when I saw what it was.

 

So let me tell you, dear reader whomever you believe is your Creator…She/He has a wicked sense of humor. 😈  And believe me when I saw I was most assuredly not laughing….:?

http://www.last.fm/music/Erykah+Badu/_/A+Child+With+the+Blues

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Please stay tuned for our regularly scheduled broadcast already in session.

I believe it’s time to stop writing for a while.

I always wanted to be a lady and to quote my favorite line from one of my favorite movies…. “A Lady always knows when it’s time to leave.”

http://www.last.fm/music/Mariah+Carey/_/If+It%27s+Over

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To have a mid-life crisis, do you need a life first?

As my reader I know you probably hope that one day I’ll write something happy and uplifting. Well if you are hoping such nonsense….what the heck are you doing here?  😉

I mean really…hope? Is that anything like dropping pennies in a wishing well? 😕

OK, now that that hilarity is over….. back to the morose. 😐

Yesterday my ex told me her parents separated. I’m not sure if this is permanent or just a bump in the road, but it really got me thinking. See, now her & her mother are staying with her cousin. And my ex says she’s saving for an apartment…further solidifying that she is never coming back. 😦 All the while I keep having the thought that now is the time she’s going to move to Mecca (Mecca being Atlanta for all you not in the life). She has always wanted to live there, although I’ll never understand why. Traffic at 2:15am on a Wednesday? No thank you!

But I’m figuring now is the time for her to make her move. I mean it’s not like she has anything here. She has lots of family there, she has her Master’s and now her Mother is free (which is all she stayed here for anyway). Granted she is my one and only actual friend but even that’s different now and besides it’s not about me. It’s about her & what she needs and wants.

Which evidently isn’t me….. 😥

I guess it’s obvilous to all, that I am not over her like I say. I just figured a lie is better than the truth, you know. I mean it’s been over a year. So I should be over her, right? 😕 In this case the truth shall not set me free. I’ve  been truthful all along and look what that’s gotten me….a bucket full of loneliness, a handful of bitterness and a heart full of pain. 😦

She used to say it was “me and you against the universe”. Now it’s just…well you know…….

 I guess some things are just unforgivable…. You know the statement “You can never go home again”? I guess that’s true in more ways than one can imagine.  😳

http://www.last.fm/music/Marlena+Shaw/_/Will+I+Find+My+Love+Today%3F

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This house is not a home…but my only family lives here.

Yesterday my supervisor was fired.

After having worked here for over twenty years… she’s gone. One of the few managers I’ve ever had that actually cared about her people. We could talk about anything…and have. She may not have understood me fully, but she was actually willing to try. When I was upset with her, she would constantly try to find the root of it, so we could be friends again. I will miss her more than I can explain. I know she’ll be OK…actually this is what she needed. But that doesn’t make it better…that doesn’t make it right. (Now is just not the time I needed to lose anyone else.) But she…like so many others is gone……… 😥

There was no ample justification given, simply “Management decided blah, blah, blah”. On top of this “they” decided to close part of our company and send it off shore. Off-shore? With the state of our country being as it is… 👿

So is with extreme caution that the rest of us tread. We are so very worried about of state of employment, that it is hard to function. I mean I’ve been here over ten years, there is nothing else I can do. This is a town of call centers and factories, so if they release us….most of us have no where to go. Well, actually I have somewhere to go but I won’t say here. If you’ve ever read any of my posts, then you know where I’d go. Facing my possible unemployment further cemented an idea…a mantra if you will, that resonates deep in my heart/soul/mind.

I have nothing.   

These words move me to tears,makes me shake, and my blood run cold. These are words that no one likes to face, but if the truth shall set you free….no one is as free as me. 😥

I sometimes ponder the thought…”Do people think I say these things for attention?” I look into their eyes and in them I see a hope that I am, but I am not. I do not seek attention…I do seek understanding. I seek companionship. I seek unconditional love. I know me above all others, and I know that unless I completely and totally relinquish my soul, I will never find these things. 😥

http://www.last.fm/music/Luther+Vandross/_/A+House+Is+Not+a+Home

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I went into labor on Labor day…guess that total hysterectomy didn’t take.

I am of course at work. 😐

It’s my 3rd time in what seems like one really long day. 😕

I am sorry to say, but I am just too worn out to think, let alone write today.  😯

So just read theses lyrics and listen to this song….. it just expresses a lot about me and what I’ve been through lately. 😥

 

“32 Flavors” by Ani DiFranco

squint your eyes and look closer
I’m not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
and I’m beyond your peripheral vision
so you might want to turn your head
cause someday you’re going to get hungry
and eat most of the words you just said

 

both my parents taught me about good will
and I have done well by their names
just the kindness I’ve lavished on strangers
is more than I can explain
still there’s many who’ve turned out their porch lights
just so I would think they were not home
and hid in the dark of their windows
til I’d passed and left them alone

 

and god help you if you are an ugly girl
course too pretty is also your doom
cause everyone harbors a secret hatred
for the prettiest girl in the room
and god help you if you are a phoenix
and you dare to rise up from the ash
a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
while you are just flying back

 

 

I’m not trying to give my life meaning
by demeaning you
and I would like to state for the record
I did everything that I could do
I’m not saying that I’m a saint
I just don’t want to live that way
no, I will never be a saint
but I will always saysquint your eyes and look closer
I’m not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
And I’m beyond your peripheral vision
So you might want to turn your head
Cause someday you might find you’re starving
and eating all of the words you said

 

 

http://www.last.fm/music/Ani+DiFranco

 

 

 

 

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