Whatever……..

Somewhere since my last post I got older. Mostly it went by unnoticed, my birthday dinner was a cheeseburger and a slice of carrot cake and I slept most of it away. I got a few cards from my Mother and my ex gave my a movie and an electric blanket (everyone knows I keep it cold in my house 😦 ) and few people at work cared enough to surprise me with a cake 🙂 . I was glad to know that someone remembered me for a change…it actually made me feel special. 🙂

But I was quickly brought back to reality. 😥

In previous posts I stated how I had no choice but to file bankruptcy. Well before my birthday I had gone to do just that. It did not go as I had hoped. In fact the lawyer I met with turned out to be the most racist bastard I had ever had the misfortune to encounter. Now I am an advocate for people not liking everyone… people have the right not to agree with everything…it’s OK. However, when one is in a position to work with different people, especially in this capacity one should be able to put their preferences aside…I guess that was asking too much. 😦

Well anyway so I way faced with really having no idea of what to do. “She” was of no help to me, because in essence she didn’t think it was worth it to help me in spite of all I had done for her. There is still part of a tree in my front yard that she was cutting down for me and now I have a half finished bathroom floor she was doing for me. I guess it’s just too much to hope that someone will do for me as I would do for them. So whatever…karma will take care of her. 👿

Then I again asked my ex if she would move in with me. She, too declined, I guess her reasons are still the same: lack of trust, lack of concern, and just general moving on with her life.  I mean it’s not like we had a history together or anything, it’s not like I thought we had that kind of “The Notebook” love or anything…whatever I guess this is my karma. 😥

 

Well today I go to speak to another lawyer, this time I am going alone, which is how I learned I must travel. See I have decided to make a New Year’s resolution for myself. Since being with me is worse than eating broken malaria infested glass, I have decided that I will try my best not to care…I doubt anyone will notice.

 

We’ll see how this works out… 😥

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If I knew how to spell, I’d send out an SOS…but for what?

Every day is a new day… every breath, a chance to live life anew. But what about those for whom every day is simply a rehashing of the day before? What about those for whom the act of taking another breath is just another knife in their back? 😐

I’m an extremist…either things are or they’re not. And trust me, I know when they are not…right now in this time…in this place…they are not!  😡

See there are people who would rather I be happy, these people are “savers”. They think if I just “wait one more day, things will be different”. They say you deserve to be happy and one day you will find happiness. They just don’t see that in waiting one more day, things are different…worse, but different. I don’t feel I am the kind of person who deserves “the happy ending”.  😕 What have I done, that is even moderately worthy? I am no great person, apparently I am selfish (even my mother says so), I really not nice, I am very controlling, I’m very critical (in case you hadn’t noticed) and I am very opinionated. I’ve seen me naked and clothed and trust me, there’s nothing to see here. I never finished anything…I couldn’t even finish a 6-week Hoop class. So really what am I waiting for? 😥

Yesterday I went through and paid my bills for the next two weeks , as this is the last OT check. Yesterday I was really upset, yesterday I was beyond consoling (not that there was anyone who would have noticed). But today I am different….today I am lost, completely and totally. Today I realized that without the OT I’m so used to having, there is absolutely no way I will be able to function upon next pay day (in 2 weeks). It’s way beyond me trying to protect my credit rating, it’s beyond me trying not to burst into tears (like that ever solved anything)…it’s beyond anything at this point. If I can’t afford to pay all I owe, how am I supposed to be able to afford all the late fees I will undoubtedly incur? The short and only answer is that I can’t! And honestly I have no idea what I am going to do. Tomorrow, I’ll be looking into turning off more things, but I really don’t have anything left to disconnect. I tried to sell things and that only ended up costing me, so that’s out. And now I am seriously contemplating taking a long long walk….and forgetting all of this. 😯

By the by (yes, yes, I know– I just like the saying, OK?), I was talking to “her” yesterday and as usual she failed to see my point. I was trying once again to impart unto her the importance of relying solely on herself. I tried to point out that I too am in need and I cannot be there for her. I tried to get her to see she needs grief counseling and even as she said she could use me and I pointed out to her I will not do it, do you know she still couldn’t see how she was trying to force this upon me? I swear it’s like talking to a ….well I’m not sure because even if I say a rock, one can build upon them and she is no where near as useful. So let’s just say, it was yet another wasted commentary on my part. My I sure like to beat a dead horse, don’t I? Jeez!! 😳

http://www.last.fm/music/Kelly+Sweet/_/Dream+on

**Sing with me, sing for the years
**Sing for the laughter and sing for the tears
**Sing with me, if its just for today
**Maybe tomorrow the good lord will take you away

http://www.last.fm/music/Aerosmith/_/Dream+On

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Goodbye……….

OK, so I am done. I simply have no more to give, no more kindness, no more love, no more anything. I was already hopeless, but now I am just too tired to even try anymore. 😡

I spent the last few days with “her”. And I have learned that all my effort has been useless… wasted. Foolishly I tried to be there for her in her hour of need, but I should never have made an effort. See I have learned that I have a major problem saying “NO” and standing by it. I am a people pleaser even when that means I will suffer, but that will happen no longer. I must focus on sticking to my word, which we know is not one of my strong points. 😦

From previous posts, you know I never take off and never spend money. But for “her” I did, I tried to be there for her, help her through her mother’s death. But even I have limits. You can’t keep acting like an ass and think I’m going to just write it off as “she’s in pain…let it go.” She said some pretty hurtful things to me, pushed my buttons, forced my hand and in the end she blamed it all on me and the next day blamed it on the alcohol. Well, I subscribe to the idea that alcohol won’t let you do things that you wouldn’t normally do sober…it just removes your inhibitions. So obviously what she said, she felt she needed to say and now she will have to live with those consequences. See what she forgets is that I don’t need her…it is she who needs me. I never ask for anything, she is constantly asking me for everything. She has never made a promise to me and kept it. Never offered to help me in anyway, never listened when I just needed to talk. But all I get from her is what she needs, what she wants, “all I want to do is love you.” Well whatever! I am done. 👿

Why have I put up with her for so long, you may be wondering. Well obviously you too, aren’t listening (reading). I truly feel that this is it for me, I will die alone (my greatest fear in the universe). See, one can handle all tragedy eventually. But being alone & lonely…well you never learn to accept that. I mean, yeah you can accept it for a while…you can even say you’re better for it. But all that gets old as you get old, and trust me, I’m getting old. So I put up with her because I kept thinking she was all I was ever going to have, but now I’m thinking alone will just have to do.  😥

 

http://www.last.fm/music/A+Fine+Frenzy/_/Almost+Lover

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What am I do to now?

OK, so what happens now?

“Her” mother died. So she is trying to lead me on a guilt trip for which I have no passport. I refuse to be the support she needs right now. There is just no freaking way I can do it. I told her that before she died and I’m sticking to it after. I may have a degree in Counseling, but I am no therapist and even if I were (1st) it would be unethical for me to treat her, (2nd)  isn’t that unfair of her to assume she could use me in such a manner and (3rd) “Nobody puts Baby in a corner.” {Oh wait, that’s from Dirty Dancing 😆 } I mean, and (3rd) nobody works for free, especially since they’ve removed overtime at work (but I’ll get to that in a moment). I tell people all the time, listen to me… listen to me. OK, so I may not know what I’m talking about, but I have a 50/50 chance of being right soooooooooo what’s the problem? 😉 I know the death came pretty suddenly, but the illness did not. She has been dying for a while now, and the whole time I’ve been saying “you need a support group”. I try not to be an “I told you so”, but jeez Louise…one just can’t assume I’ll forget any of that try to do it anyway. Nope. Not happening. She can take a flying leap as far as I’m concerned. There are people who are skilled in this area and I am most assuredly not one of them. Abuse them before I am forced to…….well this is the Internet, even I’m not that stupid. But just know I mean what I say. 😈

Now the overtime issue. This is a serious problem. 😯

I owe people money and while they are not the Mob kind of people, they may be the knee cap breaking kind of people. In essence, I do not wish to get on their bad side…if you know what I mean 🙄 . Here I am trying to be a responsible adult, accepting the consequences of my actions, and now this happens. It was the very first thing I was told when I walked in to work and of course, I prayed it was just a malicious rumor. Malicious rumors are the fodder of the cubicle world, but not this time. This time I checked my sources, and it was true.

All I can think about are those smug people who never have to work any overtime…just sitting around thinking “ha, that’s what you money hungry fools get!” I need to just go over and poke one of them with a sharp stick. 👿

 Whatever am I to do? I am I have already cut out all frivolous spending. I don’t go to Starbucks unless I really, really need it (like I have no idea how I got to work, need it). I stopped all services, magazine subscriptions, I don’t have a cell phone, I was already contemplating turning off my cable (that’s a definite now 😦 ), I was cutting off my fancy nails, I only buy grocery when it’s a dire need & even then only the barest of basics. I turn off everything in my house, I leave no random things plugged and now this! There is nothing else! Well I guess since Mama told me it;s best if I’m behind on my mortgage & bills before filing bankruptcy, we may just find out now. 😥

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