It just sort of came to me. I wasn’t looking for it, but there it was… the meaning of life. And yet, now my life has no meaning at all.
I shall explain.
{As a loyal reader I’m sure you remember the characters at play… as such I shall not explain them.}
The Ex and I were headed to our very 1st (and my only) real vacation. One that we had planned & saved for. We were going to Vegas. Unfortunately for me I spent the week before in bed sick as all out hell. Did I go to the doctor? If you’ve ever read any of my musings before… you already know the answer. Anyway, if you also recall (I think I have mentioned it before), for some peculiar reason I am very prone to untreated ear infections. {aside: Did you know they can drive you insane?}Well during the time I was ill with like the flu or something I also developed an ear infection. But I was determined I was not missing my vacation. Ever flown with an ear infection? DO NOT DO IT!!! You will die… I think I did.
Well anyway, we made it to Vegas and we were having the best time ever. As it happened one night she went to sleep (and as she snores like a wild beast), I could not. So I sat there in the dark, with the curtains fully open staring at the lights from the strip and watching the dancing waters of the Bellagio. I had had no alcohol, no drugs of any sort and while watching my beloved (*sigh*) sleep…the meaning of life came to me.
I came to understand that “this” is what we all seek…completion. No, I’m not saying that everyone needs someone to “complete” them. What I am saying is that we all seek a certain degree of oneness. It may come in the form of education, religion, children, marriage, enlightenment, conservation or simply via career choice. For me this was it.
While I fully admit I was never the “jumping up & down” type of happy, in my relationship I was as happy as I thought I could ever hope to be. For me, she was my equal if in no other way…mentally which I have truly come to miss more than I can explain. Yeah I may have been hallucinating from my illness, jet lag & lack of sleep, but I still remember looking at her sleeping form and crying because I finally understood what true love was and I knew I could love anyone or anything as much as I loved her.
You so can imagine the dismay I still hold to this day at being shown that this was not the case. These days she has resorted fully back to her old ways of church and small town upbringing. She speaks differently now, in style and inflection. It’s like the past two years that we have been apart have completely erased the previous 11 years we spent together. It’s like I was a Svengali and she but a willing participant. I must have held some mystical power over her that forced her to change everything, things she was not willing to change but was nonetheless compelled to.
There are simply no words to impart upon to you the sadness this brings me. I prided myself on always allowing one to be as they are. But alas, pride cometh before the fall and trust that my fall was not without injury, if but to my heart.
Have you ever seen a dead body up close?
Me either.
But I imagine the look I see in her eyes now is like looking into the eyes of the dead. They cannot recognize you…for they are no longer there.
~*~ Arsenic & Apathy *~* 