Promises are pinatas full of poo…seems fun but it’s not

My entire life I have told people, please don’t make promises to me…you’ll only end up breaking them and then I’ll just feel worse. When I was little my father used to make all sorts of random promises to me…his oldest and only daughter, but none of them ever came to fruition. My mother still makes buckets of useless promises to me with every phone call. Those that I love and/or care about make them to me with every pointless conversation. Why? 😐

I always tell people, up front, I cannot be counted on. Why? Because if I make a promise I do my best to fulfill it and if I don’t…then well they were prepared ahead of time weren’t they? I mean I honestly do try to either never make a promise or if I am having a total lapse in judgement and make one, I try to see it through. See, I try to think about the consequences of breaking a promise to someone…what if it was of dire importance, what if they hate me if I break it, what if they die before I can make it up to them, hell what if I need something and all they remember is the promise I broke. But you know what…other people never think of that! Instead they go on saying things to me that end the end will hurt me deeply and cause me to never trust the words of anyone.

I mean, they say things like “one day things will get better”, “I’ll never leave you”, “You are my soul-mate”, “I’ll always be there for you”, “I’ll help you pay your bills”, “I’ll always love you”, “We’ll travel and see the world” , “No you don’t look like your gaining weight”, “You’re beautiful”………I could go on but I find I’m getting teary again and well…what’s the point?  😦

http://www.last.fm/music/Beyonc%C3%A9

Besides no one will ever love me like in this song. 😦

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If they still built Sanitariums it would feel like going home

Every two weeks I get paid. Or should I say…every two weeks I visit with my children, and by children I mean, bills. I work more than some, but not as much as others. I try to take one day off to visit where my mail goes (otherwise known as my house). On this day I try to do all the household labor that goes neglected while I work. I try to watch some of the cable I pay dearly for, I try to just walk around my lonely house and see again for the first time. But I say all this to say that as it stands my life is the rotting corpse of a roadside possum. 😐

I no longer have hopes and dreams, I no longer look forward to anything…I have nothing….well except bills. Every month I check off each bill as I pay it and this month I decided to add up all the bills to see exactly what I NEED to make at the very minimum and let me say it is a daunting amount. I mean, for my tax bracket I could be living the high life, if it weren’t for so many freaking mistakes I have made (me who said I would never have any regrets 😦  ). I look around at the people I work with (people I know I make more than) and I listen to their financial problems and I thank the heavens I don’t have children because I would have broken long ago. Don’t get me wrong, as I have said before I know I am blessed and I try my best not to take anything for granted, but in the same respect…I am going to go insane. 😮

When I sleep, I have nightmares…I dream “they” are coming to take away my house and some days it seems so very real. I dream I have to sell everything I own and it’s still not enough to pay them all. Sounds stupid I know, but I wake up panicking and sweating every time and I lose more and more with each dream. I feel as though I eventually will have no choice but to let “her” move back in and that fact kills me…it really does pour salt into my already gaping wounds.

I really think my head is going to explode…at the very least I’m waiting for the heart attack. 😦

http://www.last.fm/music/Basement+Jaxx

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Tomorrow is just Today in the witness protection program…

Not that I think anyone is really listening (reading) but when you have no one to turn to…who you turn to? I mean those religious types would say “turn to GOD, he is always listening.” But to that I say, “so are the voices in my head but they are no good at helping me when I need a shoulder to cry on.” It’s not that I could ever ask anyone for anything, I don’t think I have the right to…it’s just that sometimes I need to talk and I NEED someone to listen. I used to have a therapist listen to me for an hour once a month, but we both knew that wasn’t enough and now I can no longer afford even that. I guess I just wish I had someone I could talk to that I didn’t have to pay, but if there was such a person I know I’d feel bad about monopolizing their time with my ramblings. I need someone who genuinely cares enough to “want” to listen…and that’s the rub indeed. So sadly I turn to the Internet…the coldest, most obscure place possible. 

I can’t even talk to my mother about my life. She lives in a world where if you have a job, you should be giving praise everyday “because there are people worse off than you.” This does not bode well in a mind where guilt has taken up permanent residence. I know I am blessed, yeah yeah whatever. But I still have needs… I still have pains…I still cry out to no one in my empty house. But she doesn’t need to here those things.

I work so much now, I no longer try to remember the days anymore. I just look at the calendar and mark off another day down. Hell I even have to mark when I take my meds because otherwise I’ll forget if I took them or not and I most definitely can’t afford to double dose. I feel like I’m working for nothing though. I mean most (ok, some) people work an unholy amount of hours because they’re planning a vacation or a major purchase. I work because I have massive amounts of debt and I’m divorced. There was a time, ages ago it seems, when there were two people paying these bills…but now it’s just me…more punishment I guess. Can I see an end? Hell NO!! As it is I spend the rest of my brain (most is being used to find a viable means to an end), trying to figure out how to sell most of what I own. My house used to be my home, now it’s just a warehouse of memories and things I’ll never finish paying for.

I walk around there sometimes and I touch the walls and think ” I remember when we painted this”, or  “I remember when we put up these pictures, these curtains, etc.” It all seems so long ago…she’s been gone almost a year now…but to me it will always seem like hours ago…the pain is still so fresh. I look at pictures of us, and I wonder where it all went. To know I’ll never get any of it back, just cuts deeper than any blade.

Anyone got any Arsenic?

http://www.last.fm/music/Robin+Thicke/_/Complicated

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I am not in a good place today…

You know how you have those days where you shouldn’t have gotten up? Well this is yet another of those days. Yesterday was not a good day for me, I gave her the bible…signalling my acquiescence, then I was to spend the night with the”other” one. But as these things go…it did not go well. It started with a forced conversation about creation and spiralled into hell as the night went on. Eventually it came that my feelings were severely hurt and while I tried to process it and  move on, she would not let it go, so it came that I had to put her out of my house. As is her nature, she tried to turn everything around to me and make the fact that I was hurt my fault. So I said get out, then of course it was my fault she was drunk and I didn’t stop her from leaving. Well you know what? I didn’t (and don’t) give a damn. Initially I wasn’t mad I was hurt, she kept running her mouth so she had to go, she knew she had been drinking…so to me she made the choice to leave I was simply the one who locked the door and turned off the lights. As far as I was concerned she could have not made it home, it still would have been on her and not me. 

Sometimes you have to do what’s best for you in spite of anyone else.

http://www.last.fm/music/Duffy/_/Stepping+Stone

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More tears……

OK, so of course it’s my off day and of course I am at work.  I haven’t even started yet and I am already very much ready to go home. 😦 But I have made some progress in the ways of my life. I have sort of reached a turning point (could be because I haven’t taken my meds in a couple of days). I have decided to let my ex go…I feel as though I have no choice actually. I love her so very much but I know she is gone from me and doesn’t wish to return so I have to stop being selfish and let her go. You know “they” (who are “they” anyway?)…”they” say if you love something set it free, if it’s yours it’ll come back to you. Well I guess, I’ll have to see… but somehow I don’t think “they” know what the hell “they” are talking about.

Anyway to this end I actually went out and bought her a bible. I know she has been trying to read it (cover to cover), to no avail. So I found a women’s version and it’s written in a really beautiful  script by different women of color because I figured if you’re going to read the bible, it might as well be a good version. I am trying to be supportive… I am trying to let her do what she feels is right for her…I am trying to be her friend…when what I want is to be her wife.

But we don’t always get what we want…do we? 😦

http://www.last.fm/music/Chaka+Khan/_/My+Funny+Valentine

http://www.last.fm/music/Me%27Shell+Ndeg%C3%A9Ocello

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Another day…..another tear

So here I am, another day spent at work for 12.5 hours. Each day I ponder the question…”Why am I even getting up?” Sadly the only reason I can find is so that “they” won’t come to forcibly discard me in the gutter like so much waste. I’d rather not be resigned to the side of the road like squished squirrels and run-over raccoons. But honestly I really do only get up so my mother doesn’t have to deal with my demise. So see, it’s purely for selfish reasons that I go on.

I look at my life and all I can see is failure and emptiness. I live alone in my own world of quiet desperation. I have no friends to speak of….by that I mean people to whom I could turn to. I do “talk” to people I work with, telling them only what they want to hear….because trust me when I tell them the truth, they can’t handle it.

There is my ex, who has moved into becoming religious in the whole holy roller style; going to church, reading the bible and other Christian lit, and who I think is becoming another “straight girl” (rainbow sticker still present, but the sperm references are more than unsettling 😦 ). When we were together she wasn’t that person, but she did used to be, so I guess it was meant that she would return to what she knows. We used to be able to talk but that now seems like an eternity ago. Now she has new friends, different interests, and then of  course there’s the hatred she holds for me in heart. She says it’s not there, but since what is done can never be undone, I know it festers there…but I cannot blame her.

There is the one who is obsessed with me, she drives me insane and not in a good way. While I do love her, it’s like how one loves the sun…yeah it’s great for a while, but eventually you get cancer and your corneas are burnt, know what I mean? 😐

Maybe more later……. in the meanwhile listen to this:

http://www.last.fm/music/Duffy/_/Hanging%20On%20Too%20Long

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Books | Contrariwise: Literary Tattoos – Part 2

Books | Contrariwise: Literary Tattoos – Part 2

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Expresses my love sick heart

Love Me Like a River Does

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I’m sick

One never realizes how alone they truly are until they get sick. I mean there are causal encounters with people you may see everyday at work or wherever, but nothing concrete…nothing meaningful. But it’s when you get sick that you realize you are actually alone. Because it’s then that you need somebody…anybody to be there for you. someone to bring you soup, or cold meds, or just genuinely wonder how you are. I rarely get sick, but since I work a lot of overtime, I don’t take care of me and well…..I’m sick. There’s no one to comfort me, no one to make sure I take something to feel better. Hell, I can’t even afford to miss any days at work because I am single and in a great deal of debt. So I go on and go to work…..miserable and feeling even more alone and desperate than normal. It’s times like this that I am reminded of my “dark places” and I just want the end to come. I can see no point in continuing the charade that is my life.

No point at all.

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And BTB….

I may have neglected to mention that I am a prisoner of depression. I’ve been medicated for many years now, but I really only take them to make other feel better because I don’t really believe they are helping me. So dear reader I am sorry if some times my blogs REALLY ramble. **Please note it is almost guaranteed to happen**. 😐

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Welcome

Hello out there in Blog Land. I am new to the whole blogging thing so please bear with me and all my madness as I try to get this right. I am an avid reader of many different blogs, but I found that I too needed an outlet to release my demons. I hope you, the reader will be interested enough to read my ramblings on a regular basis.

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