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Posts Tagged ‘mid-life crisis’

“Somebody’s Me”
by Enrique Iglesias
You, do you remember me?
Like I remember you?
Do you spend your life
Going back in your mind to that time?
Because I, I walk the streets alone
I hate being on my own
And everyone can see that I really fell
And I’m going through hell
Thinking about you with somebody else[CHORUS]
Somebody wants you
Somebody needs you
Somebody dreams about you every single night
Somebody can’t breath without you, it’s lonely
Somebody hopes that one day you will see
That Somebody’s Me [2x]
How, How could we go wrong
It was so good and now it’s gone
And I pray at night that our paths soon will cross
And what we had isn’t lost
Cause you’re always right here in my thoughts

[Chorus]
Somebody wants you
Somebody needs you
Somebody dreams about you every single night
Somebody can’t breath without you, it’s lonely
Somebody hopes that one day you will see
That Somebody’s Me [2x]

You’ll always be in my life
Even if I’m not in your life
Because you’re in my memory
You, when you remember me
And before you set me free
Oh listen please

[Chorus]
Somebody wants you
Somebody needs you
Somebody dreams about you every single night
Somebody can’t breath without you, it’s lonely
Somebody hopes that one day you will see
That Somebody’s Me [5x]

 

 
 

 

 

I’m getting older by the second, and not just chronologically but emotionally.

I guess I’m lost somewhere between Mid Life Crisis and Senior Citizen Discount Wednesdays.

I know, age wise I’m not that old…but I truly do feel like it. I used to wonder why old Lesbians still went to clubs just to watch the Newbies…. now I know why. You get caught up in the constant responsibility of being an adult and you lose sight of enjoyment in life itself. OK, well I never really had it, but there were moments when I was happy… moments when I could see the hope life brings…but those are past.  I honestly never thought I’d make it to this age…figured I would died off long ago. So facing my life old and alone does not bring any possibility of happiness. I see myself working literally until I die, which may be sooner rather later. I remember the far off look in my Grandmother’s eyes when I was little and it is now that I know what she was thinking…”Youth really is wasted on the young.” 😐

 

I look at little kids and teenagers and I see all the hope and fantasy about the world that I used to have. I always wanted children, I wanted to be able to let them be kids while they could. Yeah, people would have said I was spoiling them, but I wouldn’t care. I would have taught them the joy of being free to be themselves. They would have gone to school plenty of days with their clothes non matching, but they would have been unique not tacky. They would have told other kids all about sex and politics and when to wear white. They would have known the joys of being barefoot and the difference between a wedge and a stack. I would have loved them until they became rebellious teenagers, and then I would have loved them more. 8)

Of course realistically I know I don’t have children for a reason…I call it Divine Intervention. It was written that I never propagate, never spawn a demon like the one in my soul. It’s for the best I tell myself….I can’t afford to function as it is, a child? That would simply never have worked out financially besides my Mama tells me I’m too selfish to have children…t ells me Im not the Mothering type. Guess that’s why I don’t even have pets. (Never told you about Sahara, Papagallo, Tigger, Cappiachino, Oreo, Mocciata or Boirus & Natasha…that’s another time, not now.) 😥

 

Most people want to see loved ones that have passed because they have all these “things” they never got to say. To my Grandmother with the far away look, I want to apologize. I want her to know how sorry I am that I have wasted my life…sorry that she had held hopes for me to have a better life and I blew it. I’d cry to her that I am sorry that the only thing I became when I grew up….was a failure at every single thing I ever touched.

 

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As my reader I know you probably hope that one day I’ll write something happy and uplifting. Well if you are hoping such nonsense….what the heck are you doing here?  😉

I mean really…hope? Is that anything like dropping pennies in a wishing well? 😕

OK, now that that hilarity is over….. back to the morose. 😐

Yesterday my ex told me her parents separated. I’m not sure if this is permanent or just a bump in the road, but it really got me thinking. See, now her & her mother are staying with her cousin. And my ex says she’s saving for an apartment…further solidifying that she is never coming back. 😦 All the while I keep having the thought that now is the time she’s going to move to Mecca (Mecca being Atlanta for all you not in the life). She has always wanted to live there, although I’ll never understand why. Traffic at 2:15am on a Wednesday? No thank you!

But I’m figuring now is the time for her to make her move. I mean it’s not like she has anything here. She has lots of family there, she has her Master’s and now her Mother is free (which is all she stayed here for anyway). Granted she is my one and only actual friend but even that’s different now and besides it’s not about me. It’s about her & what she needs and wants.

Which evidently isn’t me….. 😥

I guess it’s obvilous to all, that I am not over her like I say. I just figured a lie is better than the truth, you know. I mean it’s been over a year. So I should be over her, right? 😕 In this case the truth shall not set me free. I’ve  been truthful all along and look what that’s gotten me….a bucket full of loneliness, a handful of bitterness and a heart full of pain. 😦

She used to say it was “me and you against the universe”. Now it’s just…well you know…….

 I guess some things are just unforgivable…. You know the statement “You can never go home again”? I guess that’s true in more ways than one can imagine.  😳

http://www.last.fm/music/Marlena+Shaw/_/Will+I+Find+My+Love+Today%3F

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