If your eyes are the window to your soul, then mine must have been boarded up and turned into a crack house because no one recognizes me.

We cannot hope for much in this world. But that do hope for we seek with an intensity akin to the rays of the sun if we were to step foot upon its surface. While yes, we may desire much in the ways of materialism and capitalism…what we truly seek is recognition. We want to be recognized for who we are and what we do. Mostly we want to be recognized for our heart. We seek to find that which we feel is missing…be it our soul mate, our other half, or as Jung stated our anima/animus. In the end all we really want is to have our soul recognized by another complimentary soul and to be joined as one entity.

 

That having been said…I ask why some of us must be cursed to walk the earth alone?

 

Yes, I have loved and yes I have felt love but I have never felt “recognized” by any other soul save one. However that door has been barred from me and upon its holy ground I shall never again roam, nor shall I feel it’s warmth radiate within me. A crime I still, many years later, cannot be pardoned from, nor can my heart ask for redemption.

 

But today, a day like most…full of despair and pain, is when  I was shown that not only do I walk alone but when I rest it is not in the company of “friends”. See friends are those people who are there for you as you are for them. They are the people who know you when you forget who you are. They are the people you look to when you are in need because you know they have only your best interests at heart.

 

“She” as we all know has never had my best “anything” for any reason…never concerned about my well-being, my state of mind, or most importantly “she” has never recognized anything within me. And today further proved that when she asked me if I wanted to go to church with her. 

 

I always say I cannot be offended, but that….well that offended my very core and she still cannot understand why. 

 

I have always said “she” only loves “the idea” of me and not the real me, but mother fuck! Now I have to ask has “she” ever even looked at me? Has she ever heard the pain in my heart when I talk about my Ex and how she is a bible toting church going christian who probably bathes in holy water to purge her soul of me? Has she ever heard the fire spew from my soul when I speak of my own childhood in the church and the hypocrisy that I still taste in the back of my throat each and every Sunday?

 

Obviously “she” has not and would not, even if it meant I would pledge my undying love for her…which I would never do, that is sooooooooooooooooooo out of the question!  

 

Also since clearly hell has reserved a front row seat for me, I do hope to not meet her in “purgatory” trying to tell me that if I just gone to church I could have saved my soul or some such bullshit…but oh wait I’ve already established that I am currently in hell because my life is already bathed in the smell of sulfur and my heart is already rotting at my feet like the flesh of the millions of “sinners” who came before me. Maybe then someone would look at me and recognize me…..I won’t hold my breath though.

 

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What am I do to now?

OK, so what happens now?

“Her” mother died. So she is trying to lead me on a guilt trip for which I have no passport. I refuse to be the support she needs right now. There is just no freaking way I can do it. I told her that before she died and I’m sticking to it after. I may have a degree in Counseling, but I am no therapist and even if I were (1st) it would be unethical for me to treat her, (2nd)  isn’t that unfair of her to assume she could use me in such a manner and (3rd) “Nobody puts Baby in a corner.” {Oh wait, that’s from Dirty Dancing 😆 } I mean, and (3rd) nobody works for free, especially since they’ve removed overtime at work (but I’ll get to that in a moment). I tell people all the time, listen to me… listen to me. OK, so I may not know what I’m talking about, but I have a 50/50 chance of being right soooooooooo what’s the problem? 😉 I know the death came pretty suddenly, but the illness did not. She has been dying for a while now, and the whole time I’ve been saying “you need a support group”. I try not to be an “I told you so”, but jeez Louise…one just can’t assume I’ll forget any of that try to do it anyway. Nope. Not happening. She can take a flying leap as far as I’m concerned. There are people who are skilled in this area and I am most assuredly not one of them. Abuse them before I am forced to…….well this is the Internet, even I’m not that stupid. But just know I mean what I say. 😈

Now the overtime issue. This is a serious problem. 😯

I owe people money and while they are not the Mob kind of people, they may be the knee cap breaking kind of people. In essence, I do not wish to get on their bad side…if you know what I mean 🙄 . Here I am trying to be a responsible adult, accepting the consequences of my actions, and now this happens. It was the very first thing I was told when I walked in to work and of course, I prayed it was just a malicious rumor. Malicious rumors are the fodder of the cubicle world, but not this time. This time I checked my sources, and it was true.

All I can think about are those smug people who never have to work any overtime…just sitting around thinking “ha, that’s what you money hungry fools get!” I need to just go over and poke one of them with a sharp stick. 👿

 Whatever am I to do? I am I have already cut out all frivolous spending. I don’t go to Starbucks unless I really, really need it (like I have no idea how I got to work, need it). I stopped all services, magazine subscriptions, I don’t have a cell phone, I was already contemplating turning off my cable (that’s a definite now 😦 ), I was cutting off my fancy nails, I only buy grocery when it’s a dire need & even then only the barest of basics. I turn off everything in my house, I leave no random things plugged and now this! There is nothing else! Well I guess since Mama told me it;s best if I’m behind on my mortgage & bills before filing bankruptcy, we may just find out now. 😥

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I never promised you a rose garden

So it begins.😯

“She” is preparing to move back in with me. It’s not what I want, but it’s what she needs. The doctors say her mother may have 2 months, but in reality it seems like it may be a lot less, so  she needs to be with her mother right now and this is the only way.  In order for her to take a leave of absence from work, she would need to have less expenses and paying rent would not be possible. Right now we have the issue of what to do with her things. My thought is storage, I may have to put her out again. But my mouth simply says, “I don’t know, maybe storage or FreeCyle.”  She just wants to give it all away.

I feel like I’m being trapped somewhere deeper than the standard 13th recess of hell. 👿

You what’s funny about this entire situation? My mother wants me to take a leave and come home for a while to just get away from all my stress and relax for a bit. Or better yet, she wants me to sell my house and leave Tennessee all together. She says I have nothing left here anymore, so why stay. Sadly I do agree, so I did laugh (in my head), but I cried on the phone (silently).  A leave of absence? Me? Me who is so afraid to take a vacation day because it would adversely affect my overtime. Sell my house, in this market? Ha! Dream on Mama, dream on. She says she can feel I’m in a deep amount of pain & loneliness (Mama, you have no idea 😦 ). She says, I need to enjoy life and try to stop and smell the roses…ironic since the roses in the front of my house are dying (I never have time to tend to them). I just stopped and watered my tree today for the first time in probably months.😳

I feel as though I’m going insane…..I can’t even focus to write today.😥

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