Things could always be worse…and for someone, it probably is.

Another year has rolled by and I am alone as usual. I digress, I am not just alone…but I am lonely. 😥 Funny thing is, one day last week a woman at work was talking about those of us who live alone. According to her logic, by living alone “we learn more about ourselves…we have time to think”. 😐

Well here’s what I have learned… I have learned that the longer I am alone, the more critical I become of others. While I used to talk about people, it was with my ex and we would laugh as we said crazy things..well since I have no one to talk to, my comments are being more mean and less amusing.  I no longer envy people with their “loved ones”, now I see them as wasteful heathens with blatant disregard for anyone but themselves. 😡  I have learned that having someone to talk to is not important if the TV works, besides they would probably not want to hear about whatever I’m whining about today. 😦  I have learned that if given enough time, I could in fact pluck every single hair from my body. Trust me, on this one….I’ve tried and there is never enough time. 😳 I have learned that I eat an exorbitant amount of cereal… I think I single-handedly keep soy bean farmers afloat. 🙄 I have learned that the things I have learned are stupid….I would rather live with someone who loved me as I loved them, with all my heart and soul. But since they do not exist…I have learned that my life still sucks. 👿

 

 I have, however, started the wheels of my bankruptcy in motion. No, I am still not ok with it..but it’s not like I have a choice. The nice lady I spoke with made it seem like all would be right in my world soon, but 5 years is a long time….so we’ll see. 😕
As is standard, I will be at work for the Holidays instead of with my loving family. Oh wait, what loving family? Hell, for that matter what family? 😥 Don’t get me wrong. I know I am blessed (as I’ve stated many posts before). Right now there are so many millions without jobs or homes or a prayer. Right here where I work, there so many people without any sort of “good” in their lives that it would break my heart if I still had one. There is a woman who just found out she may have colon cancer,  another woman whose husband may be dying, a woman who used to work here is currently in the hospital, and of course “her” father is dying (again). 😐  So I understand that my problems are minuscule in the grand scheme of problems, but nonetheless they are still there, so whatever.

 http://www.last.fm/music/The+Emotions/_/What+Do+the+Lonely+Do+at+Christmas

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Whatever……..

Somewhere since my last post I got older. Mostly it went by unnoticed, my birthday dinner was a cheeseburger and a slice of carrot cake and I slept most of it away. I got a few cards from my Mother and my ex gave my a movie and an electric blanket (everyone knows I keep it cold in my house 😦 ) and few people at work cared enough to surprise me with a cake 🙂 . I was glad to know that someone remembered me for a change…it actually made me feel special. 🙂

But I was quickly brought back to reality. 😥

In previous posts I stated how I had no choice but to file bankruptcy. Well before my birthday I had gone to do just that. It did not go as I had hoped. In fact the lawyer I met with turned out to be the most racist bastard I had ever had the misfortune to encounter. Now I am an advocate for people not liking everyone… people have the right not to agree with everything…it’s OK. However, when one is in a position to work with different people, especially in this capacity one should be able to put their preferences aside…I guess that was asking too much. 😦

Well anyway so I way faced with really having no idea of what to do. “She” was of no help to me, because in essence she didn’t think it was worth it to help me in spite of all I had done for her. There is still part of a tree in my front yard that she was cutting down for me and now I have a half finished bathroom floor she was doing for me. I guess it’s just too much to hope that someone will do for me as I would do for them. So whatever…karma will take care of her. 👿

Then I again asked my ex if she would move in with me. She, too declined, I guess her reasons are still the same: lack of trust, lack of concern, and just general moving on with her life.  I mean it’s not like we had a history together or anything, it’s not like I thought we had that kind of “The Notebook” love or anything…whatever I guess this is my karma. 😥

 

Well today I go to speak to another lawyer, this time I am going alone, which is how I learned I must travel. See I have decided to make a New Year’s resolution for myself. Since being with me is worse than eating broken malaria infested glass, I have decided that I will try my best not to care…I doubt anyone will notice.

 

We’ll see how this works out… 😥

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I went into labor on Labor day…guess that total hysterectomy didn’t take.

I am of course at work. 😐

It’s my 3rd time in what seems like one really long day. 😕

I am sorry to say, but I am just too worn out to think, let alone write today.  😯

So just read theses lyrics and listen to this song….. it just expresses a lot about me and what I’ve been through lately. 😥

 

“32 Flavors” by Ani DiFranco

squint your eyes and look closer
I’m not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
and I’m beyond your peripheral vision
so you might want to turn your head
cause someday you’re going to get hungry
and eat most of the words you just said

 

both my parents taught me about good will
and I have done well by their names
just the kindness I’ve lavished on strangers
is more than I can explain
still there’s many who’ve turned out their porch lights
just so I would think they were not home
and hid in the dark of their windows
til I’d passed and left them alone

 

and god help you if you are an ugly girl
course too pretty is also your doom
cause everyone harbors a secret hatred
for the prettiest girl in the room
and god help you if you are a phoenix
and you dare to rise up from the ash
a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
while you are just flying back

 

 

I’m not trying to give my life meaning
by demeaning you
and I would like to state for the record
I did everything that I could do
I’m not saying that I’m a saint
I just don’t want to live that way
no, I will never be a saint
but I will always saysquint your eyes and look closer
I’m not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
And I’m beyond your peripheral vision
So you might want to turn your head
Cause someday you might find you’re starving
and eating all of the words you said

 

 

http://www.last.fm/music/Ani+DiFranco

 

 

 

 

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I seek not your sympathy, just your understanding

Today as I struggled to wake up for yet another fabulous 12-hour day at work, it dawned on me…my life bites.

But wait, you say…”you already knew that, you say it all the time.” True, but for some reason it all hit me (again) today. Maybe it’s because I had to choose between buying hair dye (to cover my gray, haven’t dyed in forever) or buying oatmeal (ahh, the wondrous choices 🙄 ). Or maybe it was because I had to sleep on the sofa again where it’s cooler (which for some reason makes my knees swell). Or maybe it’s because a co-worker 10 years my junior, is about to go on a cruise and propose to his girlfriend and the only cruise I have ever known is the cruise control on my car.

Who knows. But what I can say is, “My life bites.” 😥

 

As I was walking in the building today I got to thinking about all my co-workers who are either on vacation or planning to take a vacation. For most of them it is a second or even a third trip this year, and my only trip was to sit beside a dying woman. I look in the mirror at my face (unbelievably, I am quite vain 😆 ), and I see the redness in my eyes, I see the how bad my skin has become, and I see the bags & dark circles under my eyes. I see my youth gone… you know, my Mother used to call me “bubbles” because she said my smile always made her feel happy. Sadly, I never saw what she did and still I know something is missing. I am always so extremely tired and honestly I see no end in sight.

Today one of the women whose opinion I value, told me how I need to take at least my off days and rest. I honestly thought I would cry (OK, so stress makes me a big ol’ sappy girl 😳 ). “I wish I could”, I told her, and I really do. I want to lay around my house among the dust bunnies and watch all the TV I never get to see anymore since I’m never there & I can no longer afford TiVo. 😦 I don’t want to be at work all the freaking time I want, nay, I need to have a life. It just isn’t my destiny.

Here’s a secret. I never completed my Master’s degree, so after much hesitation I decided to reapply. Well it turned out that I had actually waited too long so I had to file an appeal so that I could complete my thesis. I’ve never been good at these things but I filled out my form and mailed it in. Apparently I was supposed to walk it to each Dean and have them consider it and sign it. Know when I found this out? This morning. Know when it has to be completed by? Monday, registration is Wednesday. At first I was more than upset, here I was trying to do right and now this. But then I got to really thinking about it and the reality of it is that I couldn’t do it anyway. I mean the first time, there were two of us paying bills & I thought I would have a nervous break down trying to work on my thesis at the same time (and while we worked OT, it was never like I do now). Eventually my ex went to part-time while I worked OT, so she could work on her’s. But now it’s just me, so I got to thinking…there’s no way I can do this! I mean, when would I have time to do any research? So I decided to simply forgo it all. I mean it’s not like I’ll suddenly be able to get a better job here in this Call Center state.

Oh well…it is what it is! 😕

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Me thinks I see the wanton hours flee & as they pass, turn back & laugh at me

Timing is EVERYTHING!! Remember it…..own it….tattoo it on your body, because THAT is the gospel. I say this because now that I think on it, my timing has always been off. I hate being late for anything, I’d rather be way too early than a minute late. But obviously, this matters not.  Because I always seem to catch life altering events at the wrong time.

When I met my 1st ex, we were in high school. We stayed together a breath under 10 years and in all that time all I knew was her and her promises. Well as these things go, she graduated college, and now I was no longer good enough. Her promises, vows, oaths…meant nothing. She went on to leave the state, buy a house and move to the coast and I’m sure make more money than she knows what to do with (she was never good with money). And I haven’t heard from her since.

My 2nd ex and I have been through a lot together; unemployment, moves, schools, familial changes, and we too had been together a breath under 10 years. And well she too graduated (Master’s degree) and now “we’re no longer the compatible”. She now drives a new car, takes trips, and (get this) has a savings account, and I can’t even save money to buy stamps (and no, I am not being dramatic).  She’s going on with her life without me, kind of like I was never there. We used to talk about everything except what was most important…us. And now she will no longer talk to me like we used to.

Then there’s “her”. All I hear about is her old house here & her old house there. The vacations she has taken, the things she’s seen, the money she used to have for this & that. All her professional friends and their fabulous lives. Blah blah blah.  I have to hear all about the fantastic job she used to have, like I really care. Now her mother is dying and I have to be the strong one. I’m dealing with a lot of stress of my own and I am truly in need of someone to turn to. I have no one and now I have to be the rock for her. I have to be there because her need is stronger, like I even have room for one more issue. I’m even letting her move back in with me, because she needs to be with her mother right now and I’m trying to be a good person (I need all the good karma I can get). And with “her”, there is no talking at all.

I’ll keep the potential ulcers I’m already restarting to myself. I won’t talk about the headaches, the hives, the abdominal bleeding…….I’ll just go on as I always do…praying for an end to the suffering.:cry:

http://www.last.fm/music/U2/_/I+Still+Haven%27t+Found+What+I%27m+Looking+For

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Another day…..another tear

So here I am, another day spent at work for 12.5 hours. Each day I ponder the question…”Why am I even getting up?” Sadly the only reason I can find is so that “they” won’t come to forcibly discard me in the gutter like so much waste. I’d rather not be resigned to the side of the road like squished squirrels and run-over raccoons. But honestly I really do only get up so my mother doesn’t have to deal with my demise. So see, it’s purely for selfish reasons that I go on.

I look at my life and all I can see is failure and emptiness. I live alone in my own world of quiet desperation. I have no friends to speak of….by that I mean people to whom I could turn to. I do “talk” to people I work with, telling them only what they want to hear….because trust me when I tell them the truth, they can’t handle it.

There is my ex, who has moved into becoming religious in the whole holy roller style; going to church, reading the bible and other Christian lit, and who I think is becoming another “straight girl” (rainbow sticker still present, but the sperm references are more than unsettling 😦 ). When we were together she wasn’t that person, but she did used to be, so I guess it was meant that she would return to what she knows. We used to be able to talk but that now seems like an eternity ago. Now she has new friends, different interests, and then of  course there’s the hatred she holds for me in heart. She says it’s not there, but since what is done can never be undone, I know it festers there…but I cannot blame her.

There is the one who is obsessed with me, she drives me insane and not in a good way. While I do love her, it’s like how one loves the sun…yeah it’s great for a while, but eventually you get cancer and your corneas are burnt, know what I mean? 😐

Maybe more later……. in the meanwhile listen to this:

http://www.last.fm/music/Duffy/_/Hanging%20On%20Too%20Long

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