Yesterday Two days ago while sitting on the table, wearing my paper attire at the Gynecologist’s office…..it all dawned on me. I truly am a mean, control freak. 😡
It started when I looked at her toes. I used to say that a woman should never go out with unpolished toes, I tried to keep hers polished. But now they were naked. It was my Mama that told her 11 years ago to cut her hair and it was me that told her not to do dreads. But now she has dreads and they are approaching shoulder length. In the beginning she wore no jewelry, then I gave her all this stuff, now she’s back to not wearing any. So it suddenly dawned on me, I created in her what I wanted, not necessarily who is wanted to become. I never wanted to change her, I just wanted to give her confidence in herself. Guess I just pushed her. Maybe she was never happy with me and would have sacrificed her soul to be shed of me. 😦
As I was sitting there sweating (it was sweltering in there), with my ex next to me (same appt. date), not a word was being said. I realized that after almost 11 years together she no longer has anything to say to me. 😐
Why didn’t I say anything? 😕
What could I say? “My life sucks more everyday, I’m thinking about ending it all…please come back.”I knew that wasn’t happening, besides that would never be fair to her. I couldn’t stop my eyes from tearing up as I wondered where it all went. We used to talk so much about so many things but now I feel forced to remain quite for fear of saying just what I’m thinking and since she doesn’t say anything…it only fuels my pain.
I guess it’s just one of those things I can’t get used to. 😥
~*~ Arsenic & Apathy *~* 