Yesterday a friend’s “boyfriend” was killed in a car accident. I say “boyfriend”, because as far as she would tell they were just occasional fuck buddies, she wasn’t looking for anything serious, but who knew right?
Someone knew…
I had met him and he seemed like someone she could have one day married. But now he’s gone. Of course this led me to ponder not my own future but the finite amount of time one has to be loved.
Think about it. How long do you want to be loved? How long to be want to love someone else? These are questions we never think about, because we can never know the answers. But what if you really focused your energies on what time you can see…the here & now. What if you cherished every single moment you had and wasted nothing?
What if you had someone you loved as deeply & passionately as one can love?
What if you didn’t? Would you change? Well, I don’t and I can’t.
See “she” & I are living together but I will never say “we are together”. This is because it is a mutual undefined arrangement. “She” gets to feel like we are in a ‘Forever” kind of thing and I get my bills paid with the help of a second income. Sad, I know. But honestly I feel as though there is simply no alternative.
Worse still, I know that “she” was thinking how “WE” should cherish every moment and she kept saying that she loves me…blah, blah, blah. Of course I deflected and went into my “nothing lasts forever” rant, everyone is here to do some things then die and how people (read:You) shouldn’t make excuses for not doing things you want in life because of some lame ass bull shit (i.e., too old, too fat, too broke…). As usual I honestly believe the point was lost on her, but at least I moved through that sappy crap she was spouting.
See, I can not love her like she thinks I do…hell I don’t even really like her. I feel as though one may love many people, but there is only one soul mate. And I pushed mine out of a moving car…OK, not literally calm down people. Metaphorically! Metaphorically. Things of the long before seemed to happen in a blur, like hurdling down a steep grade at 170 mph. Fast, hazy and nauseating. Life as we know was forever changed and will never return. Not that I’d want it to return, I just wish it never changed in the first fucking place. Sorry. I’m still very bitter about the outcome, but whatever.
Back to what I was saying. His death made me remember my own “Forever”. It forced me to look back into the days when I had a heart and felt loved. No one will ever know know how much I have changed because of all this, because I know true love will never find me again. No, not even you Dear Reader who has traveled many a weepy tale with me. No one can see just how cold I can be, nay, how cold I am. As usual I turn this all inward and really no one can probably tell the difference because I was never the most “pleasant” of people. Of course, I am what I am…you know?
Anyway, sometimes I sit and look at my Ex and wonder was she ever happy with me? Was she always secretly looking for a way out? Did she pray for it? I think of how her behavior patterns are all so different now and she seems happier because of it (well not all, she still functions on some phantom clock where she is never late).
Worse still I feel that when I called her and told her of his death, she probably too pondered the finiteness of time. Only difference is she probably looked to her Girl and felt like she should be cherishing those moments. She did not drift off and think of me as I did her. She did not realize she was not where she should be and regret the current, as I do. She did not feel as though she had lost some great love as I had.
http://www.last.fm/music/The+Script/_/The+Man+Who+Can%27t+Be+Moved
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