Sadly I shall speak on a much labored topic… my broken heart…my broken soul.
I can no longer remember the way she felt when she kissed me. I cannot feel her temperament, nor can I recall what it was like to be loved by her. I do still feel like I have just come home when I see her smile, but I know that smile is no longer mine to remember. I know “they” say ‘if you love something you have to set it free” or some such bullshit, but I am a collector. A hoarder of love and all things deep, intimate, and meaningful. I just could not hold on to her.
It has been many years, I try not to think of just how many ,that she was mine to love…mine to break. And break her I did. She has long since healed but I…well I have not. I still tell stories as if I am talking to her, reminiscing of things only she & I knew. I still think of it as our house and I still ask her opinion of things (in my head, of course).
No one and nothing can ever replace her in my world, but I have accepted that she is never coming back to me…to us. It is this simple fact that as lead me to a world of nightmares and many a sleepless night. I hear her laughter, it both haunts and mocks me yet I never want it to stop. For I know she is happier now, free to be who I guess I stopped her from being.
“She” is moving back in with me because I am a hoarder of love and without it I really do not know who I am. Besides, who else would want to be with me and all my shattered dreams? Would you? Nah, I didn’t think so. Is this what I want? If you have to ask, you must be new here.
For this I use what I have learned. I use all that I have learned. I put on the face my Beloved Grandmother wore each and every day. I guess we always knew I would become her one day, she was my biggest role model and my biggest supporter. I figured if she could stay in a loveless marriage for 40 years, surely I could (well hopefully I’ll die sooner rather than later, but anyway). Whenever I see/hear “her” I put on “the face” she wants to see. I try to be present for whatever insane ramblings she is tossing my way and try not to visibly shudder each and every time she says “I love you” and if that will make the world any better (for the record, it does not).
Time passes and things change, “they” say…. but all I have are memories as I watch her pass me by. So I try to focus on knowing that once I knew true love, once I met my soul mate, once I knew my best friend. And I try to remember that in the end my Grandmother died of a broken heart, so I guess I shall too…
Leave a comment