I have had an epiphany……
In the end, we are all alone.
No this isn’t anything new. It’s more of a truth I had tried to ignore. My mother always told me “we all die just like we are born…alone”. Imagine being told that when your heart has been shattered and you had looked to your Mother for comfort.
Sucks ass doesn’t it?
Well it has happened to me each and every time I sought comfort from that harpie. But I digress…………
I have come to the realization that the words I needed were from Bob Marley, “Truth is everyone is going to hurt you. You just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.” For me, my EX was that one, but my time ran out.
Wonder if anyone I have ever known thought I was the one worth suffering for? Somehow in my vast experiences of different personalities I have encountered, I have yet to look into the eyes of any of them and feel I was (no, not even “her’s”).
Lately (as normal) I have been feeling so very alone. I feel that the older I become, the more I realize that I will die alone and probably at work. My house is haunted by the family I no longer have, my friends all have lives that really don’t include me and each and every day I wake up I struggle to find a reason to function (most days I can’t find one, so my body just follows its routine).
Every one has their own set of problems so I try to not allow my despair to bleed into theirs but I have been finding it harder and harder to put on “the face of normality”. I try to not hide within myself by being more available to them, but they can’t see the cry for help it really is. I try to spend time with them , but they have their own worlds and I am reminded that I am not apart of it on a regular basis. I lost one who I thought of as a close friend due to her perception of me and “my selfishness”, so I focus on not being that person to the few I have left which sadly includes “Her” (“her” whom I used to wish would disappear, but who now is one of the remaining few). Sometimes one of them will notice my pain, but they won’t ask…so I won’t tell. I never want to be a bother, sometimes I need to…but I don’t. I wait until I am home and I cry alone in the dark where no one can see and no one can ignore me. It is then I am reminded that “we all die just like we are born…alone”.
I used to try to live vicariously through those around me, but no longer works because their pains, disappointments and broken dreams become my own too and frankly I can’t handle it. I find that I hope for a world of joy for them and when something goes wrong, I die a little more inside. I tried to be more outgoing. I tried inviting friends to go places and do things, but since the have “lives” and I do not, something always happens and I end up going alone as usual or worse yet, I end up going somewhere with “her” and then there is the inevitable argument because I won’t have sex with her.
So now I find myself just as I did 14 years ago. Working all the time, with nothing to show for it but more stress and this time I don’t even have anyone to go home to as I did then which means I am all the more lonely. On the up side though there is no one to refer to be as my “roommate’s mother” but then there is the down side too…
I’m sure you can see what that is for yourself.
http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/05/06/loneliness.depression/index.html?hpt=C2
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