Pride cometh before the fall…usually in the summer.

I will not accept hand-outs.

 

There, I said it. It’s out there for all the world (OK, my few sweet readers) to see.

 

It’s not about Pride, it’s about being deserving.

 

Let me explain….

Once when I was little we went to visit a property that my Mother was given. The entire neighborhood knew my family from years ago and there was a woman close to some members of the family who owned a store across the street. Now this was way before kids were tattooed with “DO NOT TAKE CANDY FROM STRANGERS!” on their brains.  Well this lady offered me a soda of my choice from her store. Now me being the kind of kid I was I didn’t take it. See I had been begging Mama for one all day (it was the middle of summer in the South….heat wave city), and she kept saying “No”. Well when this lady offered me one, of course I couldn’t take it. My Mama wouldn’t let me have one so I figured I better not take it from this woman either. Well, we all know what happened…. yep, I got a whipping.

 

Apparently, you’re supposed to accept what people offer you….to this day I have never learned this lesson.

 

There for a time my step-father used to get Food Stamps. He was a war veteran (re: guaranteed a job upon his return), back when that meant something other than coming home only to stand by the expressway with a cardboard sign. Well anyway for whatever reason we had food stamps, I hated them. Not just because I’m kind of a Republocrat, but because we didn’t need them.  There were families that could have really used them, so it was always a major bone of contention in our house. You know, me against the establishment… my parents & their government subsidies. Well anyway Mama, used to yell at me all the time back then, “Blah blah, he served his country. Blah blah, it’s the least they could do.” Still I maintained, we did not deserve them.

 

I had ovarian cancer.   Yep, at 21…found out just the day after I think (things are a blur from then). I had surgery and chemo. My doctor said Mama & I should go to the American Cancer Society to find out about support groups. We went. We were given a tour, more pamphlets than should be printed and several cases of Ensure. The counselor there said I probably wouldn’t be able to eat once the chemo got started and what I could eat probably wouldn’t stay down anyway. She said the Ensure would help me feel a little better. I didn’t want it. I knew why this was happening, and feeling better was not what I deserved. Always being the same person I am now, I felt that life was not for me. When I was little I used to offer myself to whatever forces would end my suffering, but I still woke up everyday.  I felt that this cancer was what I deserved…it was after all what I had in essence asked for, for so many years. I didn’t take the Ensure, but Mama did go back and get them. It’s what Mother’s do. I still didn’t deserve them.

 

I say all this because everyone who has ever met me knows I wear lots of jewelry and while I may say “Yeah but I need to get them re-done”, my nails have  been “fancy” for years. Well with my new found brokeness (yes I love creating words ), I’m in day 2 of being fancy-less. A young woman, who has known me for many years saw my hands yesterday. The first thing she said was “Oh my God, what happened to your nails. I’ve never seen you without them.” Yes being the Old Faithful equivalent of a tear factory, I got all teary eyed.   I tried to explain in a low calm voice that I could no longer afford them, while wishing my hands would just fall off at this very moment. {Yes yes, I know all trivial to you, but not to me.} Well anyway after she realized that I was truly upset by my latest loss, she offered to give me the money to have them done. What?    Of course the tears stopped back by my eyes. She is a young mother, there was no way I would dare take money from her. Absolutely no way!! But wow, she offered. The people that I thought loved me would never have done that and here she is, without hesitation offering to give me her much needed money. It broke my heart…what little there still is.

 

So see my pride has nothing to do with who I am. If I don’t deserve it, I won’t take it. I don’t do things to be nice to other people, I do things because that’s also who I am. I feel there is a lot I have done wrong in my life and I will always being trying to pay my penance. You would think I was Catholic or something….I do love Rosaries though, it’s just that whole anti-gay thing thing…..